Fifth Down

We did the AFC Yesterday and today it is the NFC. It is later than I wanted but to be fair, you and everyone else is going to be inside for the next few days so this will give you something to read while you are trying to stay warm. Also, apparently there is going to be like a foot of snow for the Bills game so that’ll be fun. On to the NFC.

The team my son loves vs the team everyone hates: Packers @ Cowboys 2:30 PM (mountain time) Sunday on Fox

In the 90s these games were battles. In fact through the history of the NFL the Packers and Cowboys have battled. These are two of the most historical and successful franchises. However, lately success hasn’t come easy or often. Both teams have struggled to have playoff success.  The Packers made it the conference championship a couple of years recently only to fall short. The Cowboys finally made it to the divisional round last year and then lost to the 49ers after arguably the worst last second play ever. You remember when Ezekiel Elliot played center? 

The Cowboys have done a great job beating bad teams. The Packers were the last team in and have the youngest roster in the league. This game should be a fun one. Both offenses are pretty good and both defenses seem to be susceptible to good offenses. The Packers have been playing well down the stretch. And the Cowboys are known chokes. 

Reason for the Packers to have hope: They have a lot of good, young offensive weapons, a smart coach and they are playing a team that consistently underachieves in the playoffs.

Reason for the Cowboys to have hope: they have the better roster, the better defense, more experience and are playing at home.

Prediction: As much as I want to pick the Packers, I just don’t see them going into to Dallas to win. I think it will be a good back and forth game but in the end Dallas will be too much for the young Packers. 

Cowboys 34 Packers 24

The unwanted QB game: Rams @ Lions 6:15 PM mountain time on Sunday on NBC

NBC gets yet another game. Not sure why the get all the fun on Wild Card weekend. This one should also be a fun game. Matthew Stafford comes home to the place where he spent most of his career before getting shipped to LA and winning a Super Bowl. In that trade, the Lions got a bunch of draft picks and as a consolation prize or as a favor to the Rams, Jared Goff. The Rams were over Goff and his insufficiencies. The Lions were over having a good quarterback and still losing 12 games every year. So everyone won here. Goff has played well, especially the last two years.

Detroit hasn’t won a playoff game since the 1991 season. To put that in perspective I was in 7th grade. Spoiler alert, I am not young. The Rams on the other hand are 2 years removed from winning a Super Bowl pretty much immediately after leaving St. Louis. Lesson here is leave St. Louis. Both teams have a lot of good weapons and good players. I think this will be a really fun game to watch. Even more fun if the Packers win because I won’t have an angry, mopey teenager in my house. Well not more angry or mopey than normal anyway. 

Reason for the Rams to have hope: The Rams lack depth but no one is really injured. The finished the season very strong. They have a well balanced offense and some solid defensive guys and a very smart coach.

Reason for the Lions to have hope: I mean it has been 32 years since they won a playoff game. No one can go much longer than that without winning a playoff game. It’s just Math. Plus they have some really solid players and a coach that I find sort of annoying but has turned the whole franchise around.

Prediction: Dan Campbell, although annoying, has a great last name and has turned this thing around. They will be ready and excited to play and will play hard for 4 quarters. But the Rams have just as much talent if not more and more experience both on the roster and on the coaching staff. Give me the Rams in a close one, but I won’t be mad if I am wrong. 

Rams 31 Lions 27

Super Bowl Chumps vs the best of the worst: Eagles @ Bucs at 6:15 PM on ESPN

The Eagles came very close to winning the Super Bowl last year but fell just short to some team. Who was that again? Oh yeah. Since starting the season 10-1 the Eagles have been an utter disaster. They finished 11-6 and lost to the Cardinals and Giants in back to back weeks. Whoops. Despite finishing the season 1-5 they would have still had a 2 game lead in the lowly NFC South. The Bucs have won the division 3 times in a row despite being 17-17 the last two seasons. But hey, at least this year they had a winning record. 

The Eagles players are apparently all whining and complaining and not getting along. I wouldn’t be either if I had just lost to the Cardinals and the Giants in back to back weeks with the division on the line. On the flip side the Bucs are probably pretty pumped to be hosting a playoff game and they have rallied around Baker. And it would be funny to see Baker take basically the same team further than Tom Brady did. Typically the Super Bowl loser has not faired well. But the Chiefs and Bengals broke that trend the last couple of years as they lost to each other by 3 points in the AFC Championship the last 2 years. Can the Eagles make a run as the past two losers did? Or will they fall back into the normal trend and fall short early?

Reason the Eagles have hope: They have a talented roster. Talented enough to make a deep run and certainly talented enough to beat a team that just beat the worst team in the league 9-0 and only won 9 games all year. 

Reason the Bucs have hope: They are playing the Eagles…at home. 

Prediction: It is really hard for me to envision either of these teams winning a playoff game. The Eagles seem like a dumpster fire on wheels and the Bucs literally wouldn’t be in the playoffs if they played in any other division. My daughter is an Eagles fan so I will be happy if they win. At the same time she is really a fan of football being over so she won’t care that much and I am always game for Nick Sirianni meltdown. It won’t be pretty but I think the Bucs pull it off at home.

Bucs 20 Eagles 17

There you have it. Mark it down, I am never wrong. Next week’s match ups will be:

Bucs @ Cowboys

Rams @ 49ers

Chiefs @ Bills

Browns @ Ravens

Tune in next week for reactions from Wild Card weekend and predictions for the divisional round. Stay warm everybody!

Since all the AFC games are first, followed by all the NFC games, I decided to break the post accordingly. I’ll give you my take on what will happen this weekend. I’m not always right but I am seldom always wrong. Let’s get started.

The battle of cursed franchises: Elves @ Texans Saturday on NBC at 2:30 Mountain time (your job to figure out where you live)

The post season kicks off with two teams everyone thought would make it to the post season, the elves (Browns) and the Texans. The Texans have really been a disaster since they last were in the playoffs when they gave up a 24-0 lead and lost 51-31 to some team…who was it? I can’t remember. Anyway, after a losing season the following year, Watson’s massage extravaganza, and multiple bad coaching hires they seemed to have found their way. Demeco Ryans seems to be the guy but they really should be thinking Lovie Smith who led their team to one too many victories landing them in the 2 spot instead of the first pick of the draft. I know some of it is circumstantial but CJ Stroud was drastically better than Bryce Young and it’s not close. The Texans have a lot of young talent, unfortunately a good portion of it is injured. They do play at home which is nice. 

This should be the return of massage boy but he is injured and kind of sucked when he was healthy. So they dragged Joe Flacco off his crappy house boat and all he has done is completely balled out. It is literally one of the more bizarre things I have seen. I mean if they had brought him in sooner they might be the one seed. The Elves nickname is literally the only good thing Jamaar Chase has ever brought to the table. But Chase is sitting at home and the Browns are playing so who is laughing now? They have a solid roster but think how much better it could be if they weren’t spending 50 million on Watson to sit in the stands or where ever he is. It’s Flacco’s team now. I can just hear him in the huddle late in the game; pain heals, chicks dig scars, glory is forever. 

Reason for the Texans to have hope: The Texans have a lot of bad luck, but who has more bad luck in the AFC than the browns? They have nothing to lose and know one expects them to make a run. They are young and fun and their coach will have them ready to play.

Reason for the Elves to have hope: Besides Joe Flacco? I mean what else do you need? Well, how about a great and opportunistic defense, a good run game, solid skill players and a lot of good mojo right now. 

Prediction: I mean the Texans are fun but the Browns should win this game. They have the more experienced and better overall roster. They are healthier and their one injury actually benefited them because they would not be where they are with Watson at QB. Normally both of these teams find a way to lose in the postseason but in good news, at least one of them has to win. My money is on the Elves and I don’t think it will be all that close.

Elves 31 Texans 20

The Frozen Tuna Game: Dolphins @ Chiefs Saturday on stupid Peacock at 6 PM mountain time

Apparently it is going to be really cold at Arrowhead on Saturday night. Like below zero cold. It is supposed to be -5 at kickoff and feel like -12. I went to Arrowhead for the first time since high school this year. Being at the game live exceeded all my expectations. That being said…I am glad I’ll be watching this one from my couch. The cold does not bode well for the Dolphins. They haven’t won a game where the temperature was 36 degrees or lower since 2017. And this isn’t just cold, it is real cold. The Dolphins also only have one win against a team with a winning record. Miami is also only 4-4 on the road. They do have Tyreek Hill who is incredible but deep down you can tell he is not over the Chiefs. Taylor will be there to sing we are never ever getting back together. The Dolphins also have injury issues on both sides of the ball.

The Chiefs on the other hand have handled bad weather before. Mahomes is a “snow guy” despite being from Texas. However, the Chiefs are only 4-4 at Arrowhead this year. The chiefs also have 3 major problems, drops, penalties and turnovers. On the flip side, the defense has been outstanding. They are number 2 in points allowed. They get pressure on the QB they have shut down pretty much every top receiver they have faced. For all the bad the offense has done, the defense has done equal good. They keep this team in every game.

Reason for the Dolphins to have hope: They have Tyreek and a lot of other weapons. The defense is beat up but the Chiefs offense has been far from dangerous. Sure they haven’t won in cold temps for close to a decade and only have one win over a team with a winning record. But streaks are meant to be broken. Plus the Chiefs have a lot of drops, turnovers and penalties.

Reason for the Chiefs to have hope: They have Pat Mahomes, Travis Kelce and Andy Reid. They have a top notch defense that still gets little credit. Everyone has pretty much written them off. They can’t possibly continue to have this many drops, penalties and turnovers. Also, it is going to be -5 which favors the Chiefs.

Prediction: I actually like the Dolphins. I like Tyreek. I think their coach is funny. But I trust Mahomes and company more. I don’t if they can flip the script but I think the Bengals game help them realize that if they just don’t make mistakes and get any points even if it is 3 points they got a shot. Plus it is going to be -5. I just can’t imagine losing this game at home on Saturday night in the cold. I think the Chiefs offense plays better than usual and Pat gets to go play his first ever road playoff game so everyone can shut up about that.

Chiefs 27 Dolphins 19

Winner vs Loser: Steelers @ Bills on CBS at 11 AM Mountain Time

Kicking off the Sunday games is the last AFC game of the weekend. The Bills are the media’s favorite team. They were 7-6 and finished 11-6. But it hasn’t exactly been pretty. Besides kicking the crap out of the Cowboys, they could have just as easily lost most of those games. Josh Allen is still careless at times with the ball. Overall they are playing well but mistakes could be their undoing. The Bills in general, are not losers but they are post season losers. 

The Steelers find a way to finish with a winning record every year. It really is remarkable with the lack of Quarterback play they have had the last few years. This year, they got there with Mason Rudolph. That’s right, Mason Rudolph. He’s the same guy that got hit in the head with a helmet by Myles Garrett a few years back. He didn’t do much between those two events. The Steelers are also post season winners hoisting 6 lombardi’s over the years. Unfortunately, history is about all the Steelers have going for them. They are not very good over all and their best player, TJ Watt is out. Not the best sign for their success. 

Reason for the Steelers to have hope: The Bills tend to come up short and find a way to lose in the playoffs. Maybe that will be this Sunday.

Reason for the Bills to have hope: They have the better QB, the better skill guys and a good enough defense to stop the Pittsburgh offense. 

Prediction: Barring a Josh Allen and Bills meltdown, they should win this game. The Steelers are scrappy and will be well prepared and will likely keep it close for a while. But in the end the Bills will be too much for them.

Bills 24 Steelers 13

Tune in tomorrow for the NFC games. 

Here we are! It is time for playoff football. This feels a little like 2020 when you didn’t know what was going to happen because there were a lot of evenly matched teams. That year delivered arguably the greatest weekend of football of my lifetime when in the divisional round, 3 games were won by a game ending winning field goal and the other game, well all I have to say is 13 seconds. So here are 5 reactions to the playoff lineup plus my rankings of who has the best chance at winning the Super Bowl from worst to best chance.

1. Jaguars blew it and ruined my night: First of all, I was high on the Jags coming into the season. They finished strong last year and had a relatively easy schedule. But instead they failed miserably. They lost 5 of their last 6 and blew multiple opportunities throughout the game on Sunday. But the thing I am most bummed about is by losing the Bills were automatically in the playoffs. I have nothing against the Bills but I do love funny playoff scenarios. And if the Jags had won, the Bills would have either won and become the 2 seed or lose and been eliminated. I don’t ever remember seeing a scenario like that before and the stupid Jags took that away from me.

2. I have to buy Peacock now: I mean come on NFL. Do you not make enough money already? I already pay for the NFL ticket so that I can watch all the games during the season but now I have to pay for Peacock for one game. If it wasn’t the Chiefs I wouldn’t do it. I’d like to say I still won’t do it because of the principal of the thing. But watching the Chiefs trumps my principals. So I’ll spend the $5.99 which will probably quickly turn into $17.97 after I forget to cancel the service for a couple of months. 

3. Weird scheduling: All the AFC games are first, followed by all the NFC games. Along with the stupid Peacock game, NBC controls 3 of the 6 games. Also, it seems like a Monday night game is a disadvantage heading into the divisional round. It is nice that MLK day is Monday which means I can enjoy all the Sunday games without stressing about work the following day. 

4. South division winners limp in: The Bucs won by beating the worst team in the league 9-0. The Texans took the lead in their game, and then immediately missed an extra point. The Colts drove down the field only to drop a fourth down pass. Also, when anyone drops a pass do you automatically think of Chiefs receivers? Or is that just me?

5. The most wonderful time of the year: I love football and especially the NFL. This is my favorite time of the year. It also means the season is almost over. So enjoy it.

Rankings of best chance to win a Super Bowl

14. Bucs

pros: no one thinks they can win so they should be able to play loose. Their roster is decent and they have a shot at least winning one game since they play the Eagles that apparently are completely falling apart.

Cons: they won 9 games. They just barely beat the worst team in the league and Baker is not great.

13. Steelers

pros: They have a great defense and a coach who has won it all before.

cons: Mason Rudolph is starting and their coach last won it all 15 years ago.

12. Texans

pros: they made the playoffs which is a huge accomplishment after the disaster of an organization they were. They seem to have their franchise quarterback.

cons: they are untested and young and a lot of their offensive guys are hurt.

11. Packers

pros: they made the playoffs making me look smart and seem to be playing pretty dang well.

cons: they are the youngest team in the playoffs and because they are the 7 seed they would have to play all the top seeds to get to the super bowl.

10. Eagles

pros: they have a great roster and have made a run to the super bowl just last year.

cons: they are a dumpster fire right now.

9. Dolphins

pros: tons of talent and a funny coach. They can score a ton of points and are exciting to watch.

cons: they are 1-5 against playoff teams. They will have to play all their games on the road. 

8. Lions

pros: good offense and a fiery coach. A good mix of young talent and savvy veterans. 

cons: They are the Lions. Also, they are not good defensively and have seemed to gotten worse as the season goes on.

7. Rams

pros: a winning coach and going into the playoffs hot after winning their last 4 games. 

cons: lots of road games to get there and don’t have the depth other teams have.

6. Chiefs

pros: Reid, Mahomes, Kelce and the defense

cons: drops, penalties and turnovers.

5. Cowboys

pros: They are playing at a high level and taking care of business against lower end teams.

cons: they are no longer going to be playing lower end teams.

4. Browns

pros: An aggressive defense that makes plays and creates turnovers. Joe Flacco coming off the house boat to lead this team to glory!

cons: spent a lot of money on massage boy that they didn’t have to. They turn the ball over a lot and much like the Lions…they are the Browns and the Browns don’t win stuff.

3. Bills

pros: they have won 5 in a row and have been basically playing playoff football for several weeks now.

cons: the offense is up and down and much like the Lions and the Browns…they are the Bills.

2. Ravens

pros: seem like the best team in the league and have been dominating against great teams.

cons: Lamar has one playoff win. Last time they were the 1 seed they lost in the divisional round.

1. 49ers

pros: best roster in the league. Weapons galore! Lots of guys on the team have made deep playoff runs in the past. Easily the best team in the NFC.

cons: injuries haven’t happened yet…but they are the 49ers. They also struggle some if they get down early. 

Stay tuned later in the week when I break down the AFC games in one post and the NFC in another. 

This will be our final normal rankings of the year. Next week we start the playoffs and there will be more posts than normal including a ranking of teams mostly likely to win the super bowl. But for now, lets dive into the final rankings. 

Worst team in the league: Carolina Panthers

What is there left to say about this dumpster fire that hasn’t already been said. I keep seeing these posts that say the Bears have locked up the #1 seed. This pretty much sums up the state of affairs for the Panthers.

Eliminated and never a doubt: Cardinals, Patriots, Giants, Commanders

These teams have been consistent all year. The problem has been that they have been consistently bad. The Cardinals showed some fight here or there but it equaled mostly losses although they did beat the two best teams in the NFC East. Apparently the Giants should have played the kid living in his mom’s basement much sooner. The Commanders continue to be a disaster no matter what they do. But Dan Snyder is finally gone so we will still count their season a success. Bill Belichick with Tom Brady is much better than Bill Belichick without Tom Brady.

Eliminated with early hope crushed by injuries: Jets, Chargers, Titans

All these teams had grand aspirations that were dashed by early injuries to their QBs. The Jets win by having their dreams dashed on their first offensive possession. It was very Jet like. No one ever really believed in the Titans. The Chargers will get a new coach and by the spring or summer people will again be predicting them to win the AFC West and be a sleeper super bowl pick. Same story, every year.

Eliminated with late hope that was recently crushed: Bears, Broncos, Raiders, Bengals

These teams all had late hope but it was destroyed last weekend. The Raiders after apparently winning the super bowl because they beat the Chiefs they quickly turned around and lost. The Broncos switched quarterbacks to ignite their offense to a whopping 16 points which was enough to win but it didn’t matter because the Chiefs won. The Bears were a stretch but good for them for not being terrible the second half of the season. As a bonus they can ruin my son’s weekend by beating the Packers. The Bengals were eliminated in back to back seasons at Burrowhead (my ass!) which I got to say was pretty sweet. Honestly I love winning championships but I know that can’t happen every year. But as long as Burrow and Chase are there, I’ll be pretty happy if we can eliminate them every season. Now let’s dive into the contenders.

Outside shot to make the playoffs…but not really: Vikings, Seahawks

According to the playoff simulator, these two teams still have a shot. But they need a lot of help. Stranger things have happened outside of Hawkins, Indiana but I think it is unlikely. Seahawks should have kept playing Drew Lock. 

About to mess around and win 8 or 9 games and win the division: Bucs, Saints, Falcons

Well, I have been saying this since week 1. It got a little dicey when one of the teams (I don’t remember or care which one) had like 6 wins by week 9. But the NFC South did not let me down. If the Bucs win, they win the division. If the Bucs lose then the winner of the Saints vs Falcons gets in. Oh, the drama! I cannot wait to see which of these teams gets the honor of losing a home playoff game. Also, I believe if the Packers lose and the Saints and Bucs both win, the Saints make it as a wild card. For all of our sakes, lets hope that doesn’t happen. We definitely don’t need two NFC south teams in the playoffs. 

About to mess around and win 10 games and make the playoffs: Jaguars, Texans, Colts

Jaguars can win the division if they beat the Titans. I would be more confident in that if Trevor Lawrence could stay upright but I still think they win. All the Texans and Colts have to do is not tie and one of them will get in and maybe win the division. I don’t see any of these teams doing much in the playoffs but the Texans and Colts are a nice story. Although, the Colts were a lot more fun to write about with Jeff Saturday.

Big Dolphin fans this week: Steelers

The Steelers will once again not have a losing season which is very impressive especially with the poor QB play all year and for the past few years. They are playing a Ravens team with nothing to play for so I do think they win on Saturday. Unfortunately they need help. Their easiest path is having the Dolphins beat the Bills on Sunday night.

Win and in: Packers

I predicted the Packers would win the division which I was obviously wrong about but they don’t suck as most people predicted. They have had an up and down season but they are right back to where they were last year with Aaron Rodgers. Win and your in. Can Jordan Love do what Aaron Rodgers didn’t? I think he can.

Wild Card teams that could win it all or lose in the first round: Eagles and Dolphins

The Eagles somehow lost to the lowly Cardinals which set up the Cowboys to win the division assuming they beat the Commanders this week which they will. They have been beating up on bad teams all year. In good news this continues the ridiculous streak of not having a back to back NFC East champion. The last time there was a repeat it was the Eagles and Andy Reid was the coach way back in 2004. The Dolphins beat the Cowboys but other than that have struggled against teams with winning records. If they beat the Bills this week then they will be the 2 seed. But based upon what has happened this year it seems unlikely. 

Division Winners with issues: Chiefs, Lions, Cowboys

These teams are all good and competitive football teams. But they all have flaws. The Cowboys can’t beat a good team…at least not without an assist from the officiating. The Lions defense has major issues and the Chiefs have the same problems they have had all year: drops, penalties and turnovers. But they all have strengths too that could lead them to the conference championship or even the Super Bowl. The Chiefs are most likely because they can beat a good team occasionally and they aren’t the Lions. 

Win the division or be eliminated?: Bills

I like weird scenarios and this could be a really weird one. If the Steelers win and the Jaguars win and the Colts and Texans don’t tie the Bills can win and win the division or lose and not make the playoffs. Lots of people think the Bills are going to the super bowl. They have the Dolphins number and I think they will win this game. But it would sort of be the most Bills thing ever to lose and be out before it even started.

Wild Card teams no one wants to play: Browns and Rams

These teams are just tough. They win in different ways.  I don’t think either can win it all but I think they both can make a run. They are playing really good football at the right time. Plus, Joe Flacco…I mean come on!

The Favorites: Ravens and 49ers

These two teams biggest weakness over the last few years has been injuries. They both have mostly survived that up to this point. Are they both beatable, sure. But do they seem to be better than anyone else? yup. Ravens seem to be on a mission and if you had to put money on someone, they would probably be the team. However, Lamar has only won one playoff game and the 49ers have shown signs of weakness off and on. We will all find out soon enough. 

Enjoy the final week of the regular season! Then playoffs and then comes Jeff’s sad season…the offseason. 

We took last week off but are back with our weekly rankings. Since this will be the last ranking since 2023 it made since to rank the teams and give each team a new year’s resolution.

32. Carolina Panthers: Get a new owner. This guy had done nothing good for this team. They have to be the first 2-13 team ever without a 1st round draft pick. 

31. Arizona Cardinals: Find someone who cares. They don’t have many fans and I am not sure the Owner, GM or Coach care that much either. 

30. Los Angeles Chargers: Hire Bill Belichick. The Chargers have been failures forever including the debacle this year. They have so much talent yet suck so bad. Bill has been bad without Tom and Justin Herbert is no Tom. But it seems like this could be a perfect match to become a very competitive team. But they are the Chargers so they will probably hire Jeff Saturday.

29. New England Patriots: Start over. This team may have won on Christmas Eve but it is time for a change across the board. 

28. Washington Commanders: Get a new coach. They finally rid themselves of Dan Snyder. Time to finally clean house and get a new man in charge.

27. New York Giants: Find a way out of the Daniel Jones contract. I think they thought, we won’t be able to find an available QB that is as good as Daniel Jones so we got to pay him. Then he got hurt and they found Tommy Devito in his parents basement who was just as good. Whoops.

26. Tennessee Titans: Stop building a team around an aging running back. I love Derrick Henry but this is a bad all around team that doesn’t work anymore.

25. New Jersey Jets: Get some offensive line guys and stop hiring all of Aaron Rodgers friends. Aaron in Green Bay, they don’t get me any weapons. Aaron in New Jersey, get me all my washed up weapons. The Jets need to get some O-line guys so that Aaron can stay on the field. Also I thought he was miraculously healed and going to play this year. What happened to that?

24: Chicago Bears: Do the right thing with the number 1 draft pick. I’m not sure what it is but I am sure the Bears will probably screw it up.

23. Atlanta Falcons: Someone who can throw the ball. Seriously…anyone. The Falcons have lots of weapons and a pretty good defense. But their quarterbacking needs some serious help.

22. New Orleans Saints: To reverse all the decisions they have made in the last 4 years. No matter what they do, their salary cap keeps going up and their record keeps going down.

21. Minnesota Vikings: To start less quarterbacks in 2024 than they did in 2023. It’s been rough with another new starter coming on Sunday.

20. Denver Broncos: Find someone new to blame. For years it was the quarterback. Last year it was the coach. Now it is back to the quarterback. I can’t wait to see who it will be in 2024. 

19. Green Bay Packers: Continue to sign and draft offensive weapons now that Aaron is gone. Have you watched this team? There is so much young talent running around it is ridiculous. 

18. Las Vegas Raiders: Have something actually significant to smoke a cigar about. These guys win a regular season game and they all smoke cigars like they just won the super bowl. I guess this is what happens when your organization has been a disaster for years.

17. Houston Texans: Have CJ Stroud take taekwondo or whatever Tua did in the offseason. CJ playing is good for the Texans. CJ not playing is bad for the Texans.

16. Cincinnati Bengals: become less likable. oh wait, that’s impossible. I hate the Bengals.

15. Jacksonville Jaguars: Keep Trevor Lawrence alive. It’s like every time I tune in the guy is being pile drived into the ground. 

14. Pittsburgh Steelers: win just enough games to have a winning record and not quite enough to make the playoffs. It’s what they do best so why change now.

13. Seattle Seahawks: Unlock Drew Lock! Maybe this is just what I want but I think Drew has played well in minimal time. And nothing would be funnier to me than Drew Lock tearing it up for another team after being the scape goat in Denver for 3 years.

12. Indianapolis Colts: Rehire Jeff Saturday! Please! It gives me so much to blog about. 

11. Tampa Bay Bucs: Win 9 games and a division championship. One more game to go! They might not even have to wait until the new year.

10. Kansas City Chiefs: Get somebody who can get open AND somebody who can catch the ball AND and somebody who can line up correctly AND somebody who can play without false starting or holding AND somebody who won’t call a tight end screen to the left in the red zone immediately after calling a tight end screen to the right in the red zone that was a complete disaster. Oh yeah and keep the defense.

9. Los Angeles Rams: Find a few more good players. Rams issue has been depth for a while now. But they have a solid base and will be a tough out in the playoffs. 

8. Cleveland Elves: Get a refund on Deshaun Watson. Shane Falco, I mean Joe Flacco has been awesome since returning the league from his house boat. Watson is the biggest waste of money in sports in a long time. He makes Russell Wilson’s deal look like a bargain. 

7. Detroit Lions: To not do Lions things when it matters most. The Lions are a great story no matter how you look at it. But it would be nice if they at least won one playoff game. It’s been like 30 years.

6. Dallas Cowboys: Make it past the divisional round.  I mean, I hope they don’t and don’t think they will but it should be their resolution. 

5. Buffalo Bills: not choke in the playoffs. Again, I think they will because that is what the Bills do but maybe this is their year. (spoiler alert…it’s not their year). 

4. Miami Dolphins: Win the division and a playoff game. They need to beat either the Ravens or the Bills to win the division. They have struggled against teams with winning records. I mean they beat the Cowboys but the Cowboys don’t beat anyone with winning records either.

3. Philadelphia Eagles: Repeat at stuff. They can be the first team since 2004 to repeat as NFC East Champs. That is just step 1. Step 2 is repeating as NFC champs.

2. San Francisco 49ers: Not fall behind. The 49ers have an excellent team. Arguably the best roster in the league. But if they are forced to go off script because they fall behind they might be in trouble.

1. Baltimore Ravens: Keep Lamar healthy. They did that in 2023 and that is working out for them pretty well. They also got some guys who can get open and catch the ball. The Chiefs should take note.

I hope you had a great 2023 and that Fifth-Down made you laugh a few times. Happy New Year to you!

Week 14 is in the books and week 15 starts tonight. We stay with the holiday theme, ranking teams from worst to first with a present that each team wants for Christmas.

32. Panthers: a time machine

The Panthers traded up to get Bryce Young and hired Frank Reich. Reich is fired, Young is terrible and they are all set to have the number 1 draft pick…but unfortunately it belongs to the Bears.

31. Arizona Cardinals: someone to care

The Cardinals are not good. They don’t have many fans so I don’t think they care. I also don’t think their owner or GM cares based upon decisions made.

30. New England Patriots: Tom Brady back

The Patriots have been pretty awful since his departure. Maybe he can be the new head coach. 

29. Washington Commanders: a Win

Seriously, when was the last time these guys won a game? It’s been weeks.

28. New Jersey Jets: Aaron Rodgers back

I know Zach Wilson played well last week but we all know that was a stand alone game. They will go back to sucking this week. They really need some offensive linemen guys too.

27-25: Bucs, Saints, Falcons: A division championship

One of these teams is going to mess around and win 8 games and win the division. The suspense of who that is, is killing me. 

24. Las Vegas Raiders: Josh McDaniel to have left sooner…like the day after he started.

Worst…Coach…Ever!

23. Los Angeles Chargers: Brandon Staley to get fired.

He’s just terrible and not good at anything. He’s got to go.

22. Chicago Bears: The first pick in the draft without being terrible. 

Wish granted!

21. New Jersey Giants: Daniel Jones to give the money back.

The Giants were absolutely terrible with Daniel Jones at QB who they paid a ton of money too. Now they have Tommy Devito who is living with his parents and they have won 3 in a row. 

20. Tennessee Titans: Will Levis to not be a fluke.

Levis looks legit at times and has a ton of potential, but it is the Titans. On a side note, can we stop with the “no one wanted Deandre Hopkins” talk? Obviously lots of teams would like him on their team. He wasn’t going to play for free and a lot of those teams didn’t have the cap space. So yes, they didn’t make offers because they know what their offers were wouldn’t have been enough.

19. Minnesota Vikings: No one else to get hurt.

Kirk Cousins is out for the season. Justin Jefferson is hurt again. Alexander Mattison is now out. Seriously, how are these guys 7-6?

18. Seattle Seahawks: an easier schedule

It’s been a rough go and it doesn’t get easier this week against an angry Eagles team.

17. Indianapolis Colts: Jeff Saturday back.

Okay, that is just what I want.

16. Pittsburgh Steelers: offense

You remember when they were excited because they broke 400 yards of total offense and scored 16 points?

15. Cincinnati Bengals: A better o-line

They don’t look much different with Jake Browning then they did Joe Burrow. But they sure could use some better blocking to make sure Browning doesn’t get hurt too.

14. Green Bay Packers: to win out.

Tough loss on Monday but the rest of their games are all winnable. Of course so was Monday night.

13. Houston Texans: some new receiver guys.

Their receivers are good but they are running out of them.

12. Los Angeles Rams: For the 49ers to clinch homefield before the week 18.

If the 49ers don’t play their starters, the Rams can win out and make the playoffs.

11. Denver Broncos: to win out and make the playoffs.

Only the Jets have a longer streak of missing the playoffs. After giving up 72 points which we all hear about….every game they play, they have had quite the turn around.

10. Detroit Lions: To not do Lions things.

They have been winning all year but they look like they are in trouble. Are they going to lose out and miss the playoffs? That would be a very Lion thing to do. 

9. Jacksonville Jaguars: a healthy Trevor Lawrence

I don’t think the Jags are a super bowl team. With Trevor banged up, I’m not sure they are a playoff team.

8. Cleveland Browns: A Replacements like finish

Did the Browns just call Joe Flacco off his boat house to lead the Elves to glory? It sure looks like it. In the movie, Shane Falco leads the team to a big victory. Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory last forever. Not gonna lie, the elves making a run with Flacco while paying Watson an insane amount of money would be a fun story. 

7. Miami Dolphins: to only play teams with less than 4 wins

The Dolphins were really good against teams with losing records until they gave up a 14 point lead in the last 3 minutes against the 4 win Titans. Something that literally has never been done.

6. Buffalo Bills: Josh Allen to only throw the ball to the right team

When he does that, they win a lot of games.

5. Dallas Cowboys: for the regular season to never end.

The Cowboys look really good. Unfortunately for them, the playoffs are right around the corner.

4. Kansas City Chiefs: for offsides to no longer be illegal and a receiver who doesn’t drop the ball

My favorite team gets two gifts. We lead the league in drops. It’s ridiculous. And we have had two amazing games in our grasp only to have one idiot player lined up offsides. Also, people are making fun of the request for a warning, but my friend Dave once told me that when you get pulled over by a cop for speeding always ask for a warning. I haven’t gotten a ticket since then for speeding. So I think Andy Reid is right!

3. Philadelphia Eagles: To not have to play a team that hates them. 

Wish Granted. Last two weeks were rough but I still think they are better than the Cowboys when it matters.

2. Baltimore Ravens: Lamar to survive the season.

He is so close!

1. San Francisco 49ers: Everyone stay Healthy!!!

We all know this won’t happen. 

Well, we have another week down in the NFL. The Playoffs are right around the corner and so is Christmas. So today we rank the teams based upon a ranking of Christmas Traditions. Enjoy!

ELF on the Shelf: Patriots and Panthers

Elf and the Shelf will be fun she said. It will be a great tradition for years to come, she said. It is not fun and it is not great. Instead it is like a punishment every night finding new places to put the stupid elf and then when you forget, you let down your kids. Much in the same way the Patriots and Panthers thought their season was going to be fun and great. It is not and they disappoint their fans every morning.

Build a Gingerbread House: Cardinals, Bears, Commanders

Building a Gingerbread House has its moments but is pretty messy. Then when you are done the dang thing just sits there collecting dust for a few days. Parts start to fall off until you finally let your kids eat the stale disgusting thing. These teams have had a few fun moments but have mostly either started stale or fell apart pretty easily and have definitely played messy most of the year.

White Elephant Gift Exchange: Giants, Titans, Raiders

Bring a gift that no one likes to a party and swap things around. Lots of people find this fun. I’m not sure why. The Giants brought Daniel Jones, Ryan Tanehill and Josh McDaniels to the party. No one else would take them. Luckily they swapped them out but its too little too late.

Ugly Christmas Sweaters: Saints, Falcons, Bucs

Ugly Christmas Sweaters are fun for exactly one day a year. The rest of the time they sit in your closet and collect dust and moths. One of these 3 teams are making the playoffs but come the divisional round all of them will also be sitting around collecting dust.

Organize a Secret Santa: Chargers, Jets

This is an idea that sounds like a ton of fun. You get gifts from someone you don’t know. You give gets to people as a surprise. High hopes across the board. But then you forget until the last minute to get a gift. And then your gift is something that you have no idea what to do with but have to keep because it is a gift. The Chargers and Jets had high hopes coming into the season. But then the Chargers forgot how to play defense and the Jets suck on offense and here we are, a disappointing season that they have to keep until 2024.

Bring the kids to meet Santa: Bengals, Seahawks, Vikings, Elves, Steelers

This is an up and down event. What Santa are you going to get? Mean Santa? Stinky Santa? Hung over Santa? Likes kids a little too much Santa? And then the kids are a crap shoot too. Are they going to be shy? say something embarrassing, cry their little eyes out? It’s a complete crap shoot. Just like these teams performances week in and week out.

Making Christmas cookies: Broncos, Rams, Bills

Who doesn’t like cookies? Apparently I am no longer supposed to according to my doctor. I was completely healthy until I went to the doctor by the way. But cookies are great. They are fun. A little messy but not terrible. You can hand them out to friends just like teams hand the ball to the Broncos and the Bills hand the ball to everyone else. They don’t always look great but that is part of the fun. And then they sit in a tin and everyone forgets about them, just like we will forget about these teams come playoff time.

Sending a family Christmas card: Cowboys

A Christmas card is where you find the one good picture of your family from the year and attach a note of all the good things that happened that year. No one writes the truth in that letter. Merry Christmas from Jeff. I had a hell of year. I got the gout, have arthritis in my knee, get yelled at work, often want to strangle my kid and waisted a lot of time writing meaningless blogs. Blessing to all! No one would send that out. They might not lie but it isn’t the whole truth. Sort of like the Cowboys 9-3 record. The Cowboys can look nice and have all the stats. But we know who they really are.

Decorating the Christmas Tree: Colts, Packers, Texans

Who doesn’t like hanging up ornaments, putting up lights, cutting down a tree? These are fun activities. It’s definitely not the best, but it is pretty good and pretty fun. I’d use those exact words to describe these 3 overachievers. Unlike our tree though, these teams will be down well before the super bowl.

Christmas Dinner: Jaguars, Lions

I love Christmas Dinner. It’s delicious. Lots of people do different things and we do different things at different times. It is no Thanksgiving but it is pretty great. Jaguars and Lions are pretty good teams they just aren’t quite at the level of the rest.

Watching Christmas movies: Chiefs, Eagles, Dolphins

Christmas movies are the best. More on that next week, but for now lets just say it is good family fun. My top five are Elf, Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, the Santa Clause and Die Hard. These are 3 of my favorite teams. I like the Eagles, my daughter cheers for them and their players are likable even if their fans are not. The Dolphins are fun but obviously not quite good enough. And obviously I love my Chiefs but unless they can figure out how to score 24 points, we aren’t winning the whole thing.

Presents, Baby!: Ravens, 49ers

These two teams are clearly the best right now. I’m not saying either is going to win the whole thing but as of today they are the teams to beat. Brock Purdy certainly has plenty of presents to throw too. And Presents are the best Christmas tradition. Giving them is awesome. Getting them is awesome. There is no weakness to the tradition. Just like there is no real glaring weakness to these teams.

We just wrapped up week 12, and we are getting ready to start December tomorrow and Thanksgiving just happened which means it is time for normal people to start putting up Christmas decorations and watch Christmas movies. I know some of you weirdos start after Halloween but that’s because you are either too happy or too sad the rest of the year. I’ll let you figure out which one you are. Anyway in the spirit of that, we will sort out the teams into 12 categories. One of my favorite songs that my kids loved me to sing to them when they were little was the 12 days of Christmas. I like to think it was because of my wonderful voice and my fun rendition of the song. More than likely, they always wanted me to sing it simply because it was long and they got to stay up later. Anyway, since I am normal and am just now getting into the Christmas Spirit, I thought this would be a great way to break down the teams. The true love in this song certainly gives some odd gifts and must think their true love really likes birds. Like real Christmas, some gifts are better than others. There are some real winners in the songs and then some real duds. So we will rank the gifts and rank the teams right alongside them. Apparently according to google there is a hidden religious meaning behind each of these 12 gifts. But that makes it less funny so I am throwing that out and taking the gifts literally for these rankings. Let’s get started.

12. Four Calling Birds: Panthers, Patriots, Cardinals

Apparently calling birds are black birds. Black birds are nasty animals. They carry disease. They eat other bird’s eggs. They are loud and annoying. The pretty much suck just like these three teams. The Panthers are the only team with only 1 win. The Patriots have lost their last two games 10-6 and 10-7. And the Cardinals still suck even with Kyler Murray back.

11. Ten Lords a Leaping: Bears, Giants, Commanders, Titans

What am I gonna do with 10 Lords leaping around. What an awful and useless gift. These teams are also awful and useless. They are all going to win around 6 games. Just enough to not get a good draft pick. But they would just screw up the pick anyway.

10. Eleven Pipers Piping: Bucs, Saints, Falcons

How annoying would it be to have 11 pipers piping all around you for any amount of time? Just like it is annoying that one of these dumpster fire of a teams is going to win a division and make the playoffs. Right now the Falcons lead the way at 5-6. Woof.

9. Seven Swans a Swimming: Bengals, Jets, Chargers

Swans are prettier than most water fowl. But they turn out to be just the same as any other goose or duck. They are gross, dumb, messy and mean. These 3 teams started out the year pretty but due to a combination of bad off season investments, key injuries and bad coaching they all suck and are pretty much eliminated from the playoffs. All 3 would also win the NFC south.

8. Twelve Drummers Drumming: Vikings, Rams, Raiders

12 drummers drumming is slightly less annoying than 11 pipers piping. I mean it might even bring a little excitement to your life to have a nice beat going throughout the day. Just like these teams have given us a little excitement throughout the year. But just like you would want the drumming to stop, you also will want to stop watching these teams play football soon. Oddly the all still have a shot at the playoffs, especially the Vikings and Rams.

7. Two Turtle Doves: Colts, Seahawks, Elves

Why are there so many birds in this song? Doves are better than swans and kind of make a nice sound at times. But they are still birds that are messy and dumb. These teams are currently messy and dumb as well. The Colts are overachieving so good for them. The Elves decided to throw a ton against the Broncos with a rookie QB and ran some dumb plays that led to turnovers on top of that. Their Christmas theme mascot isn’t helping them make good decisions or good plays. Looks like they need to get back in Santa’s workshop and remember who they are and starting running the ball a lot. I think Seattle just isn’t that good and they have a brutal stretch of games. These teams will be lucky to sneak into the playoffs.

6. Six Geese a-laying: Bills

I hate geese. They are mean and loud and annoying but hey at least they are doing something productive by laying eggs. The Bills have been productive at times too. It just hasn’t equaled victories and they have certainly laid some eggs of their own this season. They are 6-6 and in real danger of not making the playoffs. But I can’t list them below any of the teams already mentioned.

5. Nine Ladies Dancing: Packers, Texans

Who doesn’t want to see some ladies dancing? Hey get your minds out of the gutter. Not that type of dancing. I’m not sure what anyone one would do with a bunch of ladies dancing around just like I am not sure what to make of these two teams. But I am pretty sure they will be dancing into the playoffs. I think the Texans might be legit good but I am not 100% sure. We are going to find out over the next few weeks. The Packers play the Chiefs but then play at the Giants, Bucs, at Panthers, at Vikings and Bears at home. All very winnable games. I still don’t think the Packers are good but they have a real shot at making my prediction of them making the playoffs come true.

4. Eight Maids a Milking: Steelers, Broncos

Look, the world needs Milk. It doesn’t specify what they are milking. But it is useful and they are getting the job done. Neither of these teams are real impressive and I am not sure how or why they are winning. But they are getting the job done. Good chance that both make the playoffs. The Steelers are all excited because they had over 400 yards of offense, although they some how managed to only score 16 points. The Broncos are helped every week by a slew of turnovers by their opponent. It isn’t pretty but they are finding a way to win. This also shows how much coaching really does matter. Look at the Broncos roster and then look at the Chargers roster. Anyone in their right mind would take the Chargers roster. Yet the Chargers suck because their coach is awful and the Broncos coach is good.

3. Three French Hens: Cowboys

Okay, now we are talking. French Hens are apparently delicious. According to google…who always tells the truth and is 100% accurate, it states “Even today French chickens are seen as being extremely desirable eating – Michelin chefs and Waitrose turn to Bresse hens when they want to impress.” As a bonus you might be able to keep things going if they lay some eggs assuming the calling birds don’t get to them first. You know who else likes to impress? The Cowboys against bad teams during the regular season. But you know what happens after you eat those 3 hens? It’s all over. Sort of like the season for the Cowboys after the divisional round every year.

2. A partridge in a Pear Tree: Lions, Jaguars

A Pear Tree isn’t a terrible gift. I don’t personally like pears but a lot of people do. But this is a gift that is useful that you could count on for years to come. Of course this psycho gift giver had to throw in a bird with it. No one is sure what type of bird a partridge is. Ironically most of the ones that are suggested are land dwelling that can’t or don’t get in trees. While a solid gift due to the limitations of the bird matched with the tree that has fruit I don’t like, it lands on the second ring of presents. These two teams are quality teams but they have limitations and ultimately won’t be able to take full flight come the post season. Solid gift and solid teams but not great.

1. Five Golden Rings (Ba dum bum bum): Ravens, Chiefs, Eagles, 49ers and Dolphins

My favorite rendition of this song is the Muppets version with John Denver. If you know the song, then you get the Ba dum bum bum. If you don’t, then google it and listen to it. It is a classic. Anyway, the only really good gift of the 12 is the 5 golden rings. It is always nice to get a gift that doesn’t involve a stinky, obnoxious bird. I try not to complain too much about gifts. I used to complain and talk about how much I hated getting socks as a present as a kid. As a joke, my family got me mostly socks for one of my birthdays. They thought it was hilarious. I was pretty pissed. Since then, I just ask for gift cards. Anyway, I don’t complain now and if any of you send me a bunch of birds for Christmas, there will be repercussions.

Anyway, Golden things are always good and since you get 5, I thought it was fitting that I would include the 5 teams I think I can win the super bowl. The Ravens are very solid with a great d and a good enough offense. The Eagles just find ways to win and that makes you a tough out in the playoffs. The 49ers have the most complete roster in the league. The Dolphins remind me a lot of the 2018 Chiefs. Great offense, up and down defense and a team that struggles against the best teams. But remember that 2018 team was a Dee Ford being offsides away from going to the Super Bowl. And finally the Chiefs. If their offense continues to improve look out. They have the best coach, the best player and a top 5 defense. I like their chances when it matters most.

I have been very busy at work but I believe I will be able to bring back 5 for Friday starting next week. No one has asked for it to come back, but it is happening just the same. Merry Christmas and stuff.

11 weeks down and 7 to go for the regular season. Crazy how fast the season goes. In the spirit of tomorrow being Thanksgiving which is my absolute favorite holiday, it is time to evaluate what each teams have to be thankful for. No matter what your situation good or bad, we can all find at least one thing to be thankful for. The same is true of the NFL teams. So here are the rankings 32-1 with one thing each team has to be thankful about.

32. Carolina Panthers: Playing American Football instead of European Football.

In European Football leagues (what we call soccer) the worst team gets demoted to a lower league and the best team from the league below that gets moved up to the top league. I can neither confirm or deny that I only know this because of watching Ted Lasso. Anyway, good news for the Panthers they get to stay in the NFL and don’t have to go play in the USFL or the XFL.

31. New England Patriots: A Full Trophy Case

My, how the mighty have fallen. But hey, you have 6 Lombardi Trophies and no one can take that away from you.

30. New York Giants: A QB named Devito

Luckily it isn’t Danny Devito. He would have a hard time seeing over the line. But they have Tommy who is a fun story and the first Giant to throw for 3 tds in a game since like 2019. Way to go Tommy.

29. Arizona Cardinals: Murray is back!

This is no knock on Joshua Dobbs, more on him in a bit. But Murray is an upgrade and makes this team competitive. They still suck, but they suck a little less.

28. Chicago Bears: Carolina’s draft pick

The Bears are awful and even when they out play their opponents, they find ways to lose like they did on Sunday. But they are better than the Panthers and have the Panthers draft pick. They are headed towards two top 5 picks. Now what to do with them…

27. Tennessee Titans: Don’t have to worry about playoff losses.

Normally, the Titans are just good enough to make the playoffs but not good enough to win a playoff game. No worries about that this year.

26. Washington Commanders: Hot water…oh wait.

Did you see that the Commanders didn’t have hot water after the game? What’s worse than getting blown out by your rival with a 3rd string QB that no one has heard of leading them? How about a cold shower afterwards. This organization is a true disaster. But hey, at least they have a politically correct name.

25. Atlanta Falcons: a shot at the division

Even though this team is awful and doesn’t know how to use they talent they have, they are amazingly just 1 game out of first place. The NFC South is truly awful.

24. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: a shot at the division

Even though this team is awful and doesn’t know how to use they talent they have, they are amazingly just 1 game out of first place. The NFC South is truly awful.

23. New Orleans Saints: A shot at the division

Even though this team is awful and doesn’t know how to use they talent they have, they are amazingly 1 game ahead and in first place. The NFC South is truly awful.

22. Green Bay Packers: Young Players who bring hope for the future

I don’t know if Jordan Love is the answer but he has been pretty good off and on. They have a great young receiving core of Watson, Doubs, Reed and Musgrave so the future is at least sort of bright.

21. San Diego…I mean Los Angeles Chargers: A new coach in 2024

They have to get a new coach next year right? right? Someone tell me they are getting a new coach!

20. New York Jets: a defense that embarrasses Quarterbacks

Robert Saleh famously said that his defense embarrassed 3 of the best QBs in the league in Allen, Mahomes and Hurts. He is not wrong. The problem is that his quarterbacks have been an embarrassment to the sport and his o-line has been nearly as bad.

19. Las Vegas Raiders: Josh McDaniels is no longer in the building

Josh may go down as the worst coach in NFL history. To top things off, he made his kids come home from trick or treating to tell them he got fired. This guy is only good at ruining things.

18. Indianapolis Colts: A .500 record

Somehow, this team is .500. I have no idea how. But hey, good for them and they should definitely be thankful.

17. Los Angeles Rams: a guy named Puka

One of my favorite all time old movies is Harvey where Jimmy Stuart has an imaginary friend who is a 6 foot Rabbit, named Harvey Turns out that Harvey is a Puka. Watch the movie and it’ll make sense. Anyway, with Cooper Kupp hurt to start the season and now hurt again, the Rams would be even worse if it wasn’t for their own Puka. Their Puka isn’t a fictitious rabbit but instead a very good rookie receiver. Side note, my mom hates the movie Harvey for some reason. Maybe she has her own Puka and doesn’t like that everyone laughs at the movie.

16. Denver Broncos: other teams giving them the ball and beating the Chiefs.

My wife’s favorite team has two things to be thankful for. First, after almost an entire season (16) of straight losses, the Broncos finally beat the Chiefs. They are also actually on a 4 game win streak due mostly to other teams giving them the ball a bunch of times. Some of this is their opportunistic defense and some of it has been just the stupidity of the other team giving them the ball a lot.

15. Cincinnati Bengals: There’s always next year.

The Bengals have a talented roster that has mostly been injured this year. Burrow is gone for the season and their season is pretty much over. But hey, they got a lot of young players so I am sure they will be back in the hunt next year. They might want to get some new offensive linemen in the offseason though.

14. Pittsburgh Steelers: A new offensive coordinator

Embattled OC, Matt Canada got fired this week. I don’t know who is calling the plays now but it can’t be worse.

13. Seattle Seahawks: Playing in the NFC

Seattle is a pretty good but not great team. They are 6-4 and their next 4 games are San Fran, @ Dallas, @ San Fran and home against Philly. Ouch. But because they play in the NFC they will probably still make the playoffs.

12. Minnesota Vikings: Joshua Dobbs

The Vikings season was thought to be over when Justin Jefferson got hurt. But instead they won a couple of games. Then they lost Kirk Cousins got hurt and was out for the season. They traded for Josh Dobbs and they continued their winning ways until Sunday night. Dobbs has played great. I can’t wait to see what he does once he learns the offense.

11. Cleveland Browns: No lawsuits for Massage boy

Sure, he hasn’t played very well and gets hurt a lot. Sure, he is out for the season. Sure, you paid him a bunch of guaranteed money with a contract you can’t get out of. But hey, he hasn’t assaulted any women lately so lets call it a victory.

10. Buffalo Bills: a long season

Bills have been super bowl favorites to missing the playoffs to back in the hunt. Its a roller coaster but they still have a great shot at making the playoffs and making a run.

9. Houston Texans: winning a game last year to lose the 1st pick in the draft.

Some of this is circumstantial but do you really think they would be having the success with Bryce Young that they are having CJ Stroud? I don’t think so either. But had they had the #1 pick they would have taken Young.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars: playing in the afc south and against the nfc south

The Jags have struggled against good teams. But luckily they get to play the Colts and Titans twice and get 4 games against the lowly NFC south. Playoffs here they come.

7. Miami Dolphins: Tyreek Hill

Tyreek is real good at football. He may have 2,000 receiving yards this year. He is good entertainment.

6. Dallas Cowboys: A soft schedule

The Cowboys are real good at blowing out bad teams. They get to do it again on Thanksgiving playing the Commanders. The good news for the Commanders is that it is in Dallas so they will get a hot shower afterwards.

5. Kansas City Chiefs: An elite defense and the best player in the world

Our defense has been outstanding which is good because our offense can’t score in the second half of games. Turnovers and dropped passes have been our downfall. We got 7 weeks to figure it out. Pat said they would and I am not in the business of doubting Pat.

4. Detroit Lions: Being relevant.

Detroit has been awful for a long time. They are now a playoff team and they might even win a playoff game or two. Going to be interesting to see how they do during the stretch but they have a good football team even though they annoy me for some reason that I can’t pinpoint.

3. Baltimore Ravens: A healthy Lamar…for now.

I mean it is only a matter of time. But for now, with a healthy Lamar and the best defense in the league, they are the best team in the AFC.

2. San Francisco 49ers: offensive weapons

I don’t think Purdy is that great. But McCaffrey, Aiyuk, Kittle and Deebo are. Just get those guys the ball and they are off and running, literally and figuratively.

1. Philadelphia Eagles: Receivers that can catch the ball and the tush push.

Devontae Smith caught the deep ball thrown to him. MVS did not. That was the difference in the game. Also, the Tush Push is dumb.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving, filled with food, football, food, napping, food and more football. It’s the greatest day of the year!

10 weeks down and 8 to go. The Chiefs bye week couldn’t have gone much better with the Ravens, Bengals, and Bills all losing. There are a lot of questions about what’s wrong with the Chiefs but you know what isn’t wrong with them? Their record. Before week 11 kicks off tonight with a great game, lets see where they and the rest of the teams rank based upon Fifth-Down’s expert opinion.

What’s worse than Terrible?: Panthers, Giants, Patriots

Panthers still only have 1 win and lost to the Bears without Justin Fields. The Patriots just scored 6 points against the Colts and the Giants somehow get worse every single week. These teams are just awful right now.

Terrible: Bears, Cardinals, Rams, Titans

These teams all show some life occassionally but have 3 or less wins. At some point you have to create some sort of positive results. The Cardinals could be moving in the right direction. The Bears get Fields back this week so that makes them better, I guess. The Rams are here because of injuries and the Titans just announced they are rolling with a rookie QB the rest of the way and then that QB turned around and played terrible last week. These teams are on the struggle bus.

Almost terrible: Packers, Commanders

These teams barely lost last week so they are barely outside of the terrible category. They aren’t good at all…just slightly better than the rest of the teams.

These teams are .500? How the hell did that happen?: Raiders and Colts

Colts are surprising, Raiders are ridiculous. Colts have a young coach and some good players here and there and have been competitive in most games. The Raiders fired their coach and have scored more than 20 points exactly once. They are a disaster and somehow only 2 and half games outside of first place in their division.

Someone is going to mess around and win 9 games…I think: Saints, Bucs, Falcons

I am beginning to think 8 wins can win this division. Saints have 5 wins and the other two have 4 wins. We are over halfway through the season. Can’t wait to see which of these teams gets to lose a home playoff game.

4 and 5 with problems: Broncos, Chargers, Jets

Jets have no offense, Chargers have no defense, the Broncos have been living off turnovers. Congrats to them and maybe they can keep it rolling. But I doubt they can keep this up. They are getting better but still aren’t a playoff team.

How did these teams end up here: Bills and Bengals

These two teams have been on quite the roller coaster. It feels like they could beat anyone on any given day but also lose to anyone on any given day. The both have tough schedules the rest of the way. Are the two teams that challenge the Chiefs going to miss the playoffs?

How did these teams end up here: Texans, Vikings, Steelers, Elves

The Texans are playing great football. Who saw that coming? The Steelers seem to barely beat everyone. The Vikings lost Kirk Cousins and Justin Jefferson and are winning more. The Elves just beat the Ravens but also lost massage boy for the year but they are clearly overachieving.

Playoff teams and that is all: Jaguars, Seahawks and Dolphins

These are all fun teams with good players that will make the playoffs but likely lose in the first round.

Playoff teams that will make a run but fall short: Ravens, Lions, and Cowboys

These teams are good but will all fall short of the glory. That is who the Cowboys are now. The Ravens inevitably will have injury problems or Lamar’s shortcomings as a passer will come back to bite them. The Lions I think are really good, but still the Lions.

NFC Championship rematch: 49ers and Eagles

These are two really good teams. One of them is going to get another shot at a super bowl title.

Hosting the Arrowhead invitational: Chiefs

We are headed for the 6th straight AFC championship hosted by the Chiefs and they haven’t even figured out their offense yet. It’s going to be a fun rest of the year.

We are 9 weeks through the 18 week season which makes me kind of sad. I missed 5 for Friday last week due to a busy week last week at work, sick kids and then I got sick myself. I’ll try to bounce back this week but regardless I am coming through with my weekly rankings. We have a much better idea of who everyone is at this point so let’s jump in.

Terrible, just terrible: Cardinals, Panthers, Giants

These teams are a combined 4-22. The only reason it isn’t worse is because the Panthers had a bye. The Cardinals traded their qb who went on to win an impressive victory with the Vikings. Meanwhile without him you mustered a total of 58 yards of offense. Yes, you read that correctly. The Panthers continue to lose to pretty much everybody. Giants got rolled by the Raiders and lost their QB to a torn ACL. It’s already been a long season for the Giants and we are only halfway done.

Only one Terrible instead of 2: Patriots and Bears

These teams are borderline in the category above but aren’t quite as bad. They are terrible. Just not as terrible.

Raiders gonna Raider: Raiders

They smoked victory cigars after beating one of the worst teams in the league at home. Or maybe they were smoking cigars because they no longer had to be coached by Josh McDaniels, if that is the case then I understand. Either way, they are ridiculous and still suck. The fact that they are 4-5 is baffling to me.

Show occasional fight but still suck: Broncos, Packers, Titans, Rams, Commanders, Colts

All of these teams can be scrappy at times and terrible at times. None of them are going to have winning records.

Ruined my fantasy week: Texans

I am commissioner of my family league. We have kids playing and lots of adults who have never played before so I try to help everyone out the best I can. Occasionally, I am faced with a dilemma. The team I am facing has people in their lineup who aren’t playing but they don’t realize it. Because I am a good person, I always let them know. In this instance they had Matt Stafford in their lineup. I let my nephew know and so he picked up none other than CJ Stroud. Stroud scored 52 fantasy points. To add insult to injury, Tank Dell was on my bench scoring 28 points because I started George Pickens who scored me .90 points. I now hate the Texans and Fantasy Football.

Someone’s going to mess around and win 9 games and win the division: Bucs, Saints and Falcons

None of these teams are terrible. None of them are good. I have very little confidence in any of them to beat any of the teams ranked higher than them but hey winning the division is fun. I picked the Saints at the beginning of the season and am sticking with it as I think they suck the least.

Somehow are still going to make the playoffs: Vikings

Look, I don’t think they are great and certainly you wouldn’t put Josh Dobbs up against the best of the best at QB. But look at the rest of the NFC and look at their schedule and tell me they don’t have a shot at the 7 seed and then losing to whoever is the 2 seed.

Going to do just enough to just miss the playoffs: Jets and Chargers

After last night’s beat down both of these teams are 4-4. Zach Wilson is back to being awful but that defense will keep them in it enough to win a few more games. Aaron Rodgers has had some miraculous recovery and might come back in time to save the season…maybe. The Chargers have won a couple in a row and look like a classic Chargers team that will get back into playoff contention only to lose 2 or 3 games they shouldn’t to end the season and miss the playoffs by 1 game.

Great defenses plus subpar offense equals playoff first round loss: Elves and Steelers

At least one of these teams is going to make the playoffs. Their defenses are very good but their offenses are limited so they will lose in the first round when they play the best of the best. But hey, the Elves making the playoffs is pretty good for them. And the Steelers can continue their streak of not having losing seasons.

Good…but not good enough: Bills, Cowboys, Seahawks and Dolphins

These 4 teams will all make the playoffs. They might even win a game. But they don’t have what it takes to make a deep run. The Seahawks haven’t faired well against the best teams and really haven’t domintated the bad ones either. Dak played about as good as he could against the Eagles and still couldn’t win. The Dolphins can’t beat anyone with a winning record and the Bills…I’m not sure what is wrong with them but they don’t look right. So I don’t have much faith in them at this point.

Verdict is still out: Jaguars, Lions and 49ers

I have the most confidence in the 49ers but they have lost 3 in a row and Purdy seems limited. The Jaguars are a very talented young team. Can they beat the best of the best? They play the 49ers and the Bengals in the coming weeks so we will find out. The Lions, much like the Elves will be happy to get in but can they make a run? I’m about 50/50 on it right now.

Super Bowl or Bust: Bengals, Ravens, Chiefs and Eagles

If you made a list of teams you don’t want to play, this would be it. The Ravens currently win the eye test as they have the best defense and have blown out a couple of really solid teams. With a healthy Kevin McCallister, the Bengals look more than formidable. The Eagles are the class of the NFC. And the Chiefs biggest struggle is offense. I don’t see that being an issue for the entire season. So when they get rolling offensively and still have a top 3 defense, look out.

Another interesting week of the NFL is in the books. We are almost to the halfway mark. Here are the rankings after week 8.

Raiders gonna Raider: Raiders

After losing back to back weeks to the Bears and the Lions, the Raiders fired their GM, fired their coach (who they should have never hired) and benched their QB they signed in free agency after running Derek Carr off. To make matters worse, they waited until after the trade deadline to do so and therefore didn’t trade off anybody for future draft capital. This is just a disaster of an organization.

Terrible, just terrible: Panthers, Patriots, Giants, Bears, Cardinals, Packers

Panthers finally won a game. They still suck. Patriots continue to lose and can’t seem to stop anyone. Bears are terrible unless they are playing the Raiders. I love the competitiveness of the Cardinals but 1-7 is still 1-7. Packers seem to be getting worse by the week. And the Giants had negative passing yards last game for goodness sake.

Broke a 16 game losing streak: Broncos

It took 5 turnovers and sick Patrick Mahomes but the Broncos finally got the win. They played better and deserved to win. Some people think this win is going to catapult them into future success. I am not one of those people. I simply think it is hard to beat anyone 17 times in a row and even harder when you turn the ball over 5 times.

Somebody is going to mess around and win 8 games and finish in 2nd place: Colts, Titans and Texans

The Jags have separated themselves from the pack. These 3 teams all have 3 wins. Do we see any of them winning 6 more? I do not.

9 wins and your in: Bucs, Saints, Falcons

These teams are a combined 11-12 on the season. If that doesn’t equal a 9 win division winner, I don’t know what does.

Would probably win the South but….they don’t play in the South: Rams and Commanders

These two up and down teams seem competitive week one week and look like they should be in the terrible category the next. Depending on the week they are either painful or fun to watch. Regardless they will be lucky to win 9 games which again would be good enough to win the South.

About to make a run and then their QB got broken: Vikings

Things were lining up for the Vikings after beating the 49ers. The schedule got softer and the team started to click. Now Kirk Cousins is out for the season. Instead of hanging it up they traded for Joshua Dobbs. Cousins isn’t great but Dobbs is no Cousins.

Chargers didn’t Charger: Chargers

Not even the Chargers could lose to the lowly Bears at home…although there were probably more Bears fans there. The Chargers have talent. They will be in it until the end and then probably do just enough to not make the playoffs.

Limited time…all the time: Elves, Steelers, and Jets

These teams have great defenses but their offenses are so limited that they can’t sustain winning over the long haul. They all have a shot at a wild card but won’t make much noise if they make it. I suppose if Aaron Rodgers comes back then maybe the Jets will have a shot but Aaron has made much positive noise in the playoffs lately either. The Jets and Elves make it so seldom though, they should be happy just to be there.

What the hell happened?: 49ers

You remember 4 weeks ago win the 49ers were unstoppable and were going to go undefeated? The bye comes just in time because this way they can’t lose this week.

We are good…no really, I’m serious: Bills and Cowboys

That is what Bills fans are telling themselves everyday right now. The Bills should be a top team but for some odd reason they are not. I can’t pinpoint why and I don’t think the Bills can either and that is a problem. The Cowboys continue to light up bad teams but can they beat anyone good? Cowboys don’t care about that, they will be talking about how great they are all the way up to kickoff.

Beware the Hair: Jaguars

The Jags look good and have me feeling good about them again. Sure they haven’t been playing the toughest of competition but a win in Pittsburgh is always impressive. They have a bye and then play the 49ers. They have a tough run of games coming up but face all the hard teams at home, 49ers, Bengals and Ravens. Jags are here to stay.

Guess who’s back: Bengals

This is what the Bengals do. They suck for 4 weeks throwing away the possibility of home field advantage and then they go on a tear. Assuming they win this week they will shoot up the rankings.

Getting harder to ignore: Lions, Ravens and Seahawks

These are quality teams that just keep winning. It isn’t always pretty but winning is winning. They are clear playoff teams and the Lions have a path to homefield advantage. Technically the Ravens do to but their path is much harder. The Seahawks may end up as a wild card but they aren’t going anywhere and will make the playoffs.

The Sky is Falling!: Chiefs

These are the streaks that were broken on Sunday.

The Chiefs had won 16 in row against Denver.

Mahomes had never lost to Denver.

Mahomes had never lost a road division game.

Mahomes had never lost to an opponent who was 2 or more games below .500.

These things are ridiculous and are bound to be broken. This was just the world ending abnormal things. The Chiefs have an occasional bad game, they are human although that is easy to forget. We are fine despite what a lot of Chiefs fans and media pundits say.

Best of the Best: Dolphins and Eagles

Eagles squeak out wins and the Dolphins win big but they both win games that they are supposed to and that is the mark of a great team. Both have upcoming games to prove they are still the best of the best. We shall see what happens.

Check out 5 for Friday as we have a great slate of games this week including one in each time slot from early Sunday morning all the way through Monday night.