Fifth Down

Week 14 is in the books and week 15 starts tonight. We stay with the holiday theme, ranking teams from worst to first with a present that each team wants for Christmas.

32. Panthers: a time machine

The Panthers traded up to get Bryce Young and hired Frank Reich. Reich is fired, Young is terrible and they are all set to have the number 1 draft pick…but unfortunately it belongs to the Bears.

31. Arizona Cardinals: someone to care

The Cardinals are not good. They don’t have many fans so I don’t think they care. I also don’t think their owner or GM cares based upon decisions made.

30. New England Patriots: Tom Brady back

The Patriots have been pretty awful since his departure. Maybe he can be the new head coach. 

29. Washington Commanders: a Win

Seriously, when was the last time these guys won a game? It’s been weeks.

28. New Jersey Jets: Aaron Rodgers back

I know Zach Wilson played well last week but we all know that was a stand alone game. They will go back to sucking this week. They really need some offensive linemen guys too.

27-25: Bucs, Saints, Falcons: A division championship

One of these teams is going to mess around and win 8 games and win the division. The suspense of who that is, is killing me. 

24. Las Vegas Raiders: Josh McDaniel to have left sooner…like the day after he started.

Worst…Coach…Ever!

23. Los Angeles Chargers: Brandon Staley to get fired.

He’s just terrible and not good at anything. He’s got to go.

22. Chicago Bears: The first pick in the draft without being terrible. 

Wish granted!

21. New Jersey Giants: Daniel Jones to give the money back.

The Giants were absolutely terrible with Daniel Jones at QB who they paid a ton of money too. Now they have Tommy Devito who is living with his parents and they have won 3 in a row. 

20. Tennessee Titans: Will Levis to not be a fluke.

Levis looks legit at times and has a ton of potential, but it is the Titans. On a side note, can we stop with the “no one wanted Deandre Hopkins” talk? Obviously lots of teams would like him on their team. He wasn’t going to play for free and a lot of those teams didn’t have the cap space. So yes, they didn’t make offers because they know what their offers were wouldn’t have been enough.

19. Minnesota Vikings: No one else to get hurt.

Kirk Cousins is out for the season. Justin Jefferson is hurt again. Alexander Mattison is now out. Seriously, how are these guys 7-6?

18. Seattle Seahawks: an easier schedule

It’s been a rough go and it doesn’t get easier this week against an angry Eagles team.

17. Indianapolis Colts: Jeff Saturday back.

Okay, that is just what I want.

16. Pittsburgh Steelers: offense

You remember when they were excited because they broke 400 yards of total offense and scored 16 points?

15. Cincinnati Bengals: A better o-line

They don’t look much different with Jake Browning then they did Joe Burrow. But they sure could use some better blocking to make sure Browning doesn’t get hurt too.

14. Green Bay Packers: to win out.

Tough loss on Monday but the rest of their games are all winnable. Of course so was Monday night.

13. Houston Texans: some new receiver guys.

Their receivers are good but they are running out of them.

12. Los Angeles Rams: For the 49ers to clinch homefield before the week 18.

If the 49ers don’t play their starters, the Rams can win out and make the playoffs.

11. Denver Broncos: to win out and make the playoffs.

Only the Jets have a longer streak of missing the playoffs. After giving up 72 points which we all hear about….every game they play, they have had quite the turn around.

10. Detroit Lions: To not do Lions things.

They have been winning all year but they look like they are in trouble. Are they going to lose out and miss the playoffs? That would be a very Lion thing to do. 

9. Jacksonville Jaguars: a healthy Trevor Lawrence

I don’t think the Jags are a super bowl team. With Trevor banged up, I’m not sure they are a playoff team.

8. Cleveland Browns: A Replacements like finish

Did the Browns just call Joe Flacco off his boat house to lead the Elves to glory? It sure looks like it. In the movie, Shane Falco leads the team to a big victory. Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory last forever. Not gonna lie, the elves making a run with Flacco while paying Watson an insane amount of money would be a fun story. 

7. Miami Dolphins: to only play teams with less than 4 wins

The Dolphins were really good against teams with losing records until they gave up a 14 point lead in the last 3 minutes against the 4 win Titans. Something that literally has never been done.

6. Buffalo Bills: Josh Allen to only throw the ball to the right team

When he does that, they win a lot of games.

5. Dallas Cowboys: for the regular season to never end.

The Cowboys look really good. Unfortunately for them, the playoffs are right around the corner.

4. Kansas City Chiefs: for offsides to no longer be illegal and a receiver who doesn’t drop the ball

My favorite team gets two gifts. We lead the league in drops. It’s ridiculous. And we have had two amazing games in our grasp only to have one idiot player lined up offsides. Also, people are making fun of the request for a warning, but my friend Dave once told me that when you get pulled over by a cop for speeding always ask for a warning. I haven’t gotten a ticket since then for speeding. So I think Andy Reid is right!

3. Philadelphia Eagles: To not have to play a team that hates them. 

Wish Granted. Last two weeks were rough but I still think they are better than the Cowboys when it matters.

2. Baltimore Ravens: Lamar to survive the season.

He is so close!

1. San Francisco 49ers: Everyone stay Healthy!!!

We all know this won’t happen. 

Well, we have another week down in the NFL. The Playoffs are right around the corner and so is Christmas. So today we rank the teams based upon a ranking of Christmas Traditions. Enjoy!

ELF on the Shelf: Patriots and Panthers

Elf and the Shelf will be fun she said. It will be a great tradition for years to come, she said. It is not fun and it is not great. Instead it is like a punishment every night finding new places to put the stupid elf and then when you forget, you let down your kids. Much in the same way the Patriots and Panthers thought their season was going to be fun and great. It is not and they disappoint their fans every morning.

Build a Gingerbread House: Cardinals, Bears, Commanders

Building a Gingerbread House has its moments but is pretty messy. Then when you are done the dang thing just sits there collecting dust for a few days. Parts start to fall off until you finally let your kids eat the stale disgusting thing. These teams have had a few fun moments but have mostly either started stale or fell apart pretty easily and have definitely played messy most of the year.

White Elephant Gift Exchange: Giants, Titans, Raiders

Bring a gift that no one likes to a party and swap things around. Lots of people find this fun. I’m not sure why. The Giants brought Daniel Jones, Ryan Tanehill and Josh McDaniels to the party. No one else would take them. Luckily they swapped them out but its too little too late.

Ugly Christmas Sweaters: Saints, Falcons, Bucs

Ugly Christmas Sweaters are fun for exactly one day a year. The rest of the time they sit in your closet and collect dust and moths. One of these 3 teams are making the playoffs but come the divisional round all of them will also be sitting around collecting dust.

Organize a Secret Santa: Chargers, Jets

This is an idea that sounds like a ton of fun. You get gifts from someone you don’t know. You give gets to people as a surprise. High hopes across the board. But then you forget until the last minute to get a gift. And then your gift is something that you have no idea what to do with but have to keep because it is a gift. The Chargers and Jets had high hopes coming into the season. But then the Chargers forgot how to play defense and the Jets suck on offense and here we are, a disappointing season that they have to keep until 2024.

Bring the kids to meet Santa: Bengals, Seahawks, Vikings, Elves, Steelers

This is an up and down event. What Santa are you going to get? Mean Santa? Stinky Santa? Hung over Santa? Likes kids a little too much Santa? And then the kids are a crap shoot too. Are they going to be shy? say something embarrassing, cry their little eyes out? It’s a complete crap shoot. Just like these teams performances week in and week out.

Making Christmas cookies: Broncos, Rams, Bills

Who doesn’t like cookies? Apparently I am no longer supposed to according to my doctor. I was completely healthy until I went to the doctor by the way. But cookies are great. They are fun. A little messy but not terrible. You can hand them out to friends just like teams hand the ball to the Broncos and the Bills hand the ball to everyone else. They don’t always look great but that is part of the fun. And then they sit in a tin and everyone forgets about them, just like we will forget about these teams come playoff time.

Sending a family Christmas card: Cowboys

A Christmas card is where you find the one good picture of your family from the year and attach a note of all the good things that happened that year. No one writes the truth in that letter. Merry Christmas from Jeff. I had a hell of year. I got the gout, have arthritis in my knee, get yelled at work, often want to strangle my kid and waisted a lot of time writing meaningless blogs. Blessing to all! No one would send that out. They might not lie but it isn’t the whole truth. Sort of like the Cowboys 9-3 record. The Cowboys can look nice and have all the stats. But we know who they really are.

Decorating the Christmas Tree: Colts, Packers, Texans

Who doesn’t like hanging up ornaments, putting up lights, cutting down a tree? These are fun activities. It’s definitely not the best, but it is pretty good and pretty fun. I’d use those exact words to describe these 3 overachievers. Unlike our tree though, these teams will be down well before the super bowl.

Christmas Dinner: Jaguars, Lions

I love Christmas Dinner. It’s delicious. Lots of people do different things and we do different things at different times. It is no Thanksgiving but it is pretty great. Jaguars and Lions are pretty good teams they just aren’t quite at the level of the rest.

Watching Christmas movies: Chiefs, Eagles, Dolphins

Christmas movies are the best. More on that next week, but for now lets just say it is good family fun. My top five are Elf, Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, the Santa Clause and Die Hard. These are 3 of my favorite teams. I like the Eagles, my daughter cheers for them and their players are likable even if their fans are not. The Dolphins are fun but obviously not quite good enough. And obviously I love my Chiefs but unless they can figure out how to score 24 points, we aren’t winning the whole thing.

Presents, Baby!: Ravens, 49ers

These two teams are clearly the best right now. I’m not saying either is going to win the whole thing but as of today they are the teams to beat. Brock Purdy certainly has plenty of presents to throw too. And Presents are the best Christmas tradition. Giving them is awesome. Getting them is awesome. There is no weakness to the tradition. Just like there is no real glaring weakness to these teams.

We just wrapped up week 12, and we are getting ready to start December tomorrow and Thanksgiving just happened which means it is time for normal people to start putting up Christmas decorations and watch Christmas movies. I know some of you weirdos start after Halloween but that’s because you are either too happy or too sad the rest of the year. I’ll let you figure out which one you are. Anyway in the spirit of that, we will sort out the teams into 12 categories. One of my favorite songs that my kids loved me to sing to them when they were little was the 12 days of Christmas. I like to think it was because of my wonderful voice and my fun rendition of the song. More than likely, they always wanted me to sing it simply because it was long and they got to stay up later. Anyway, since I am normal and am just now getting into the Christmas Spirit, I thought this would be a great way to break down the teams. The true love in this song certainly gives some odd gifts and must think their true love really likes birds. Like real Christmas, some gifts are better than others. There are some real winners in the songs and then some real duds. So we will rank the gifts and rank the teams right alongside them. Apparently according to google there is a hidden religious meaning behind each of these 12 gifts. But that makes it less funny so I am throwing that out and taking the gifts literally for these rankings. Let’s get started.

12. Four Calling Birds: Panthers, Patriots, Cardinals

Apparently calling birds are black birds. Black birds are nasty animals. They carry disease. They eat other bird’s eggs. They are loud and annoying. The pretty much suck just like these three teams. The Panthers are the only team with only 1 win. The Patriots have lost their last two games 10-6 and 10-7. And the Cardinals still suck even with Kyler Murray back.

11. Ten Lords a Leaping: Bears, Giants, Commanders, Titans

What am I gonna do with 10 Lords leaping around. What an awful and useless gift. These teams are also awful and useless. They are all going to win around 6 games. Just enough to not get a good draft pick. But they would just screw up the pick anyway.

10. Eleven Pipers Piping: Bucs, Saints, Falcons

How annoying would it be to have 11 pipers piping all around you for any amount of time? Just like it is annoying that one of these dumpster fire of a teams is going to win a division and make the playoffs. Right now the Falcons lead the way at 5-6. Woof.

9. Seven Swans a Swimming: Bengals, Jets, Chargers

Swans are prettier than most water fowl. But they turn out to be just the same as any other goose or duck. They are gross, dumb, messy and mean. These 3 teams started out the year pretty but due to a combination of bad off season investments, key injuries and bad coaching they all suck and are pretty much eliminated from the playoffs. All 3 would also win the NFC south.

8. Twelve Drummers Drumming: Vikings, Rams, Raiders

12 drummers drumming is slightly less annoying than 11 pipers piping. I mean it might even bring a little excitement to your life to have a nice beat going throughout the day. Just like these teams have given us a little excitement throughout the year. But just like you would want the drumming to stop, you also will want to stop watching these teams play football soon. Oddly the all still have a shot at the playoffs, especially the Vikings and Rams.

7. Two Turtle Doves: Colts, Seahawks, Elves

Why are there so many birds in this song? Doves are better than swans and kind of make a nice sound at times. But they are still birds that are messy and dumb. These teams are currently messy and dumb as well. The Colts are overachieving so good for them. The Elves decided to throw a ton against the Broncos with a rookie QB and ran some dumb plays that led to turnovers on top of that. Their Christmas theme mascot isn’t helping them make good decisions or good plays. Looks like they need to get back in Santa’s workshop and remember who they are and starting running the ball a lot. I think Seattle just isn’t that good and they have a brutal stretch of games. These teams will be lucky to sneak into the playoffs.

6. Six Geese a-laying: Bills

I hate geese. They are mean and loud and annoying but hey at least they are doing something productive by laying eggs. The Bills have been productive at times too. It just hasn’t equaled victories and they have certainly laid some eggs of their own this season. They are 6-6 and in real danger of not making the playoffs. But I can’t list them below any of the teams already mentioned.

5. Nine Ladies Dancing: Packers, Texans

Who doesn’t want to see some ladies dancing? Hey get your minds out of the gutter. Not that type of dancing. I’m not sure what anyone one would do with a bunch of ladies dancing around just like I am not sure what to make of these two teams. But I am pretty sure they will be dancing into the playoffs. I think the Texans might be legit good but I am not 100% sure. We are going to find out over the next few weeks. The Packers play the Chiefs but then play at the Giants, Bucs, at Panthers, at Vikings and Bears at home. All very winnable games. I still don’t think the Packers are good but they have a real shot at making my prediction of them making the playoffs come true.

4. Eight Maids a Milking: Steelers, Broncos

Look, the world needs Milk. It doesn’t specify what they are milking. But it is useful and they are getting the job done. Neither of these teams are real impressive and I am not sure how or why they are winning. But they are getting the job done. Good chance that both make the playoffs. The Steelers are all excited because they had over 400 yards of offense, although they some how managed to only score 16 points. The Broncos are helped every week by a slew of turnovers by their opponent. It isn’t pretty but they are finding a way to win. This also shows how much coaching really does matter. Look at the Broncos roster and then look at the Chargers roster. Anyone in their right mind would take the Chargers roster. Yet the Chargers suck because their coach is awful and the Broncos coach is good.

3. Three French Hens: Cowboys

Okay, now we are talking. French Hens are apparently delicious. According to google…who always tells the truth and is 100% accurate, it states “Even today French chickens are seen as being extremely desirable eating – Michelin chefs and Waitrose turn to Bresse hens when they want to impress.” As a bonus you might be able to keep things going if they lay some eggs assuming the calling birds don’t get to them first. You know who else likes to impress? The Cowboys against bad teams during the regular season. But you know what happens after you eat those 3 hens? It’s all over. Sort of like the season for the Cowboys after the divisional round every year.

2. A partridge in a Pear Tree: Lions, Jaguars

A Pear Tree isn’t a terrible gift. I don’t personally like pears but a lot of people do. But this is a gift that is useful that you could count on for years to come. Of course this psycho gift giver had to throw in a bird with it. No one is sure what type of bird a partridge is. Ironically most of the ones that are suggested are land dwelling that can’t or don’t get in trees. While a solid gift due to the limitations of the bird matched with the tree that has fruit I don’t like, it lands on the second ring of presents. These two teams are quality teams but they have limitations and ultimately won’t be able to take full flight come the post season. Solid gift and solid teams but not great.

1. Five Golden Rings (Ba dum bum bum): Ravens, Chiefs, Eagles, 49ers and Dolphins

My favorite rendition of this song is the Muppets version with John Denver. If you know the song, then you get the Ba dum bum bum. If you don’t, then google it and listen to it. It is a classic. Anyway, the only really good gift of the 12 is the 5 golden rings. It is always nice to get a gift that doesn’t involve a stinky, obnoxious bird. I try not to complain too much about gifts. I used to complain and talk about how much I hated getting socks as a present as a kid. As a joke, my family got me mostly socks for one of my birthdays. They thought it was hilarious. I was pretty pissed. Since then, I just ask for gift cards. Anyway, I don’t complain now and if any of you send me a bunch of birds for Christmas, there will be repercussions.

Anyway, Golden things are always good and since you get 5, I thought it was fitting that I would include the 5 teams I think I can win the super bowl. The Ravens are very solid with a great d and a good enough offense. The Eagles just find ways to win and that makes you a tough out in the playoffs. The 49ers have the most complete roster in the league. The Dolphins remind me a lot of the 2018 Chiefs. Great offense, up and down defense and a team that struggles against the best teams. But remember that 2018 team was a Dee Ford being offsides away from going to the Super Bowl. And finally the Chiefs. If their offense continues to improve look out. They have the best coach, the best player and a top 5 defense. I like their chances when it matters most.

I have been very busy at work but I believe I will be able to bring back 5 for Friday starting next week. No one has asked for it to come back, but it is happening just the same. Merry Christmas and stuff.

11 weeks down and 7 to go for the regular season. Crazy how fast the season goes. In the spirit of tomorrow being Thanksgiving which is my absolute favorite holiday, it is time to evaluate what each teams have to be thankful for. No matter what your situation good or bad, we can all find at least one thing to be thankful for. The same is true of the NFL teams. So here are the rankings 32-1 with one thing each team has to be thankful about.

32. Carolina Panthers: Playing American Football instead of European Football.

In European Football leagues (what we call soccer) the worst team gets demoted to a lower league and the best team from the league below that gets moved up to the top league. I can neither confirm or deny that I only know this because of watching Ted Lasso. Anyway, good news for the Panthers they get to stay in the NFL and don’t have to go play in the USFL or the XFL.

31. New England Patriots: A Full Trophy Case

My, how the mighty have fallen. But hey, you have 6 Lombardi Trophies and no one can take that away from you.

30. New York Giants: A QB named Devito

Luckily it isn’t Danny Devito. He would have a hard time seeing over the line. But they have Tommy who is a fun story and the first Giant to throw for 3 tds in a game since like 2019. Way to go Tommy.

29. Arizona Cardinals: Murray is back!

This is no knock on Joshua Dobbs, more on him in a bit. But Murray is an upgrade and makes this team competitive. They still suck, but they suck a little less.

28. Chicago Bears: Carolina’s draft pick

The Bears are awful and even when they out play their opponents, they find ways to lose like they did on Sunday. But they are better than the Panthers and have the Panthers draft pick. They are headed towards two top 5 picks. Now what to do with them…

27. Tennessee Titans: Don’t have to worry about playoff losses.

Normally, the Titans are just good enough to make the playoffs but not good enough to win a playoff game. No worries about that this year.

26. Washington Commanders: Hot water…oh wait.

Did you see that the Commanders didn’t have hot water after the game? What’s worse than getting blown out by your rival with a 3rd string QB that no one has heard of leading them? How about a cold shower afterwards. This organization is a true disaster. But hey, at least they have a politically correct name.

25. Atlanta Falcons: a shot at the division

Even though this team is awful and doesn’t know how to use they talent they have, they are amazingly just 1 game out of first place. The NFC South is truly awful.

24. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: a shot at the division

Even though this team is awful and doesn’t know how to use they talent they have, they are amazingly just 1 game out of first place. The NFC South is truly awful.

23. New Orleans Saints: A shot at the division

Even though this team is awful and doesn’t know how to use they talent they have, they are amazingly 1 game ahead and in first place. The NFC South is truly awful.

22. Green Bay Packers: Young Players who bring hope for the future

I don’t know if Jordan Love is the answer but he has been pretty good off and on. They have a great young receiving core of Watson, Doubs, Reed and Musgrave so the future is at least sort of bright.

21. San Diego…I mean Los Angeles Chargers: A new coach in 2024

They have to get a new coach next year right? right? Someone tell me they are getting a new coach!

20. New York Jets: a defense that embarrasses Quarterbacks

Robert Saleh famously said that his defense embarrassed 3 of the best QBs in the league in Allen, Mahomes and Hurts. He is not wrong. The problem is that his quarterbacks have been an embarrassment to the sport and his o-line has been nearly as bad.

19. Las Vegas Raiders: Josh McDaniels is no longer in the building

Josh may go down as the worst coach in NFL history. To top things off, he made his kids come home from trick or treating to tell them he got fired. This guy is only good at ruining things.

18. Indianapolis Colts: A .500 record

Somehow, this team is .500. I have no idea how. But hey, good for them and they should definitely be thankful.

17. Los Angeles Rams: a guy named Puka

One of my favorite all time old movies is Harvey where Jimmy Stuart has an imaginary friend who is a 6 foot Rabbit, named Harvey Turns out that Harvey is a Puka. Watch the movie and it’ll make sense. Anyway, with Cooper Kupp hurt to start the season and now hurt again, the Rams would be even worse if it wasn’t for their own Puka. Their Puka isn’t a fictitious rabbit but instead a very good rookie receiver. Side note, my mom hates the movie Harvey for some reason. Maybe she has her own Puka and doesn’t like that everyone laughs at the movie.

16. Denver Broncos: other teams giving them the ball and beating the Chiefs.

My wife’s favorite team has two things to be thankful for. First, after almost an entire season (16) of straight losses, the Broncos finally beat the Chiefs. They are also actually on a 4 game win streak due mostly to other teams giving them the ball a bunch of times. Some of this is their opportunistic defense and some of it has been just the stupidity of the other team giving them the ball a lot.

15. Cincinnati Bengals: There’s always next year.

The Bengals have a talented roster that has mostly been injured this year. Burrow is gone for the season and their season is pretty much over. But hey, they got a lot of young players so I am sure they will be back in the hunt next year. They might want to get some new offensive linemen in the offseason though.

14. Pittsburgh Steelers: A new offensive coordinator

Embattled OC, Matt Canada got fired this week. I don’t know who is calling the plays now but it can’t be worse.

13. Seattle Seahawks: Playing in the NFC

Seattle is a pretty good but not great team. They are 6-4 and their next 4 games are San Fran, @ Dallas, @ San Fran and home against Philly. Ouch. But because they play in the NFC they will probably still make the playoffs.

12. Minnesota Vikings: Joshua Dobbs

The Vikings season was thought to be over when Justin Jefferson got hurt. But instead they won a couple of games. Then they lost Kirk Cousins got hurt and was out for the season. They traded for Josh Dobbs and they continued their winning ways until Sunday night. Dobbs has played great. I can’t wait to see what he does once he learns the offense.

11. Cleveland Browns: No lawsuits for Massage boy

Sure, he hasn’t played very well and gets hurt a lot. Sure, he is out for the season. Sure, you paid him a bunch of guaranteed money with a contract you can’t get out of. But hey, he hasn’t assaulted any women lately so lets call it a victory.

10. Buffalo Bills: a long season

Bills have been super bowl favorites to missing the playoffs to back in the hunt. Its a roller coaster but they still have a great shot at making the playoffs and making a run.

9. Houston Texans: winning a game last year to lose the 1st pick in the draft.

Some of this is circumstantial but do you really think they would be having the success with Bryce Young that they are having CJ Stroud? I don’t think so either. But had they had the #1 pick they would have taken Young.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars: playing in the afc south and against the nfc south

The Jags have struggled against good teams. But luckily they get to play the Colts and Titans twice and get 4 games against the lowly NFC south. Playoffs here they come.

7. Miami Dolphins: Tyreek Hill

Tyreek is real good at football. He may have 2,000 receiving yards this year. He is good entertainment.

6. Dallas Cowboys: A soft schedule

The Cowboys are real good at blowing out bad teams. They get to do it again on Thanksgiving playing the Commanders. The good news for the Commanders is that it is in Dallas so they will get a hot shower afterwards.

5. Kansas City Chiefs: An elite defense and the best player in the world

Our defense has been outstanding which is good because our offense can’t score in the second half of games. Turnovers and dropped passes have been our downfall. We got 7 weeks to figure it out. Pat said they would and I am not in the business of doubting Pat.

4. Detroit Lions: Being relevant.

Detroit has been awful for a long time. They are now a playoff team and they might even win a playoff game or two. Going to be interesting to see how they do during the stretch but they have a good football team even though they annoy me for some reason that I can’t pinpoint.

3. Baltimore Ravens: A healthy Lamar…for now.

I mean it is only a matter of time. But for now, with a healthy Lamar and the best defense in the league, they are the best team in the AFC.

2. San Francisco 49ers: offensive weapons

I don’t think Purdy is that great. But McCaffrey, Aiyuk, Kittle and Deebo are. Just get those guys the ball and they are off and running, literally and figuratively.

1. Philadelphia Eagles: Receivers that can catch the ball and the tush push.

Devontae Smith caught the deep ball thrown to him. MVS did not. That was the difference in the game. Also, the Tush Push is dumb.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving, filled with food, football, food, napping, food and more football. It’s the greatest day of the year!

10 weeks down and 8 to go. The Chiefs bye week couldn’t have gone much better with the Ravens, Bengals, and Bills all losing. There are a lot of questions about what’s wrong with the Chiefs but you know what isn’t wrong with them? Their record. Before week 11 kicks off tonight with a great game, lets see where they and the rest of the teams rank based upon Fifth-Down’s expert opinion.

What’s worse than Terrible?: Panthers, Giants, Patriots

Panthers still only have 1 win and lost to the Bears without Justin Fields. The Patriots just scored 6 points against the Colts and the Giants somehow get worse every single week. These teams are just awful right now.

Terrible: Bears, Cardinals, Rams, Titans

These teams all show some life occassionally but have 3 or less wins. At some point you have to create some sort of positive results. The Cardinals could be moving in the right direction. The Bears get Fields back this week so that makes them better, I guess. The Rams are here because of injuries and the Titans just announced they are rolling with a rookie QB the rest of the way and then that QB turned around and played terrible last week. These teams are on the struggle bus.

Almost terrible: Packers, Commanders

These teams barely lost last week so they are barely outside of the terrible category. They aren’t good at all…just slightly better than the rest of the teams.

These teams are .500? How the hell did that happen?: Raiders and Colts

Colts are surprising, Raiders are ridiculous. Colts have a young coach and some good players here and there and have been competitive in most games. The Raiders fired their coach and have scored more than 20 points exactly once. They are a disaster and somehow only 2 and half games outside of first place in their division.

Someone is going to mess around and win 9 games…I think: Saints, Bucs, Falcons

I am beginning to think 8 wins can win this division. Saints have 5 wins and the other two have 4 wins. We are over halfway through the season. Can’t wait to see which of these teams gets to lose a home playoff game.

4 and 5 with problems: Broncos, Chargers, Jets

Jets have no offense, Chargers have no defense, the Broncos have been living off turnovers. Congrats to them and maybe they can keep it rolling. But I doubt they can keep this up. They are getting better but still aren’t a playoff team.

How did these teams end up here: Bills and Bengals

These two teams have been on quite the roller coaster. It feels like they could beat anyone on any given day but also lose to anyone on any given day. The both have tough schedules the rest of the way. Are the two teams that challenge the Chiefs going to miss the playoffs?

How did these teams end up here: Texans, Vikings, Steelers, Elves

The Texans are playing great football. Who saw that coming? The Steelers seem to barely beat everyone. The Vikings lost Kirk Cousins and Justin Jefferson and are winning more. The Elves just beat the Ravens but also lost massage boy for the year but they are clearly overachieving.

Playoff teams and that is all: Jaguars, Seahawks and Dolphins

These are all fun teams with good players that will make the playoffs but likely lose in the first round.

Playoff teams that will make a run but fall short: Ravens, Lions, and Cowboys

These teams are good but will all fall short of the glory. That is who the Cowboys are now. The Ravens inevitably will have injury problems or Lamar’s shortcomings as a passer will come back to bite them. The Lions I think are really good, but still the Lions.

NFC Championship rematch: 49ers and Eagles

These are two really good teams. One of them is going to get another shot at a super bowl title.

Hosting the Arrowhead invitational: Chiefs

We are headed for the 6th straight AFC championship hosted by the Chiefs and they haven’t even figured out their offense yet. It’s going to be a fun rest of the year.

We are 9 weeks through the 18 week season which makes me kind of sad. I missed 5 for Friday last week due to a busy week last week at work, sick kids and then I got sick myself. I’ll try to bounce back this week but regardless I am coming through with my weekly rankings. We have a much better idea of who everyone is at this point so let’s jump in.

Terrible, just terrible: Cardinals, Panthers, Giants

These teams are a combined 4-22. The only reason it isn’t worse is because the Panthers had a bye. The Cardinals traded their qb who went on to win an impressive victory with the Vikings. Meanwhile without him you mustered a total of 58 yards of offense. Yes, you read that correctly. The Panthers continue to lose to pretty much everybody. Giants got rolled by the Raiders and lost their QB to a torn ACL. It’s already been a long season for the Giants and we are only halfway done.

Only one Terrible instead of 2: Patriots and Bears

These teams are borderline in the category above but aren’t quite as bad. They are terrible. Just not as terrible.

Raiders gonna Raider: Raiders

They smoked victory cigars after beating one of the worst teams in the league at home. Or maybe they were smoking cigars because they no longer had to be coached by Josh McDaniels, if that is the case then I understand. Either way, they are ridiculous and still suck. The fact that they are 4-5 is baffling to me.

Show occasional fight but still suck: Broncos, Packers, Titans, Rams, Commanders, Colts

All of these teams can be scrappy at times and terrible at times. None of them are going to have winning records.

Ruined my fantasy week: Texans

I am commissioner of my family league. We have kids playing and lots of adults who have never played before so I try to help everyone out the best I can. Occasionally, I am faced with a dilemma. The team I am facing has people in their lineup who aren’t playing but they don’t realize it. Because I am a good person, I always let them know. In this instance they had Matt Stafford in their lineup. I let my nephew know and so he picked up none other than CJ Stroud. Stroud scored 52 fantasy points. To add insult to injury, Tank Dell was on my bench scoring 28 points because I started George Pickens who scored me .90 points. I now hate the Texans and Fantasy Football.

Someone’s going to mess around and win 9 games and win the division: Bucs, Saints and Falcons

None of these teams are terrible. None of them are good. I have very little confidence in any of them to beat any of the teams ranked higher than them but hey winning the division is fun. I picked the Saints at the beginning of the season and am sticking with it as I think they suck the least.

Somehow are still going to make the playoffs: Vikings

Look, I don’t think they are great and certainly you wouldn’t put Josh Dobbs up against the best of the best at QB. But look at the rest of the NFC and look at their schedule and tell me they don’t have a shot at the 7 seed and then losing to whoever is the 2 seed.

Going to do just enough to just miss the playoffs: Jets and Chargers

After last night’s beat down both of these teams are 4-4. Zach Wilson is back to being awful but that defense will keep them in it enough to win a few more games. Aaron Rodgers has had some miraculous recovery and might come back in time to save the season…maybe. The Chargers have won a couple in a row and look like a classic Chargers team that will get back into playoff contention only to lose 2 or 3 games they shouldn’t to end the season and miss the playoffs by 1 game.

Great defenses plus subpar offense equals playoff first round loss: Elves and Steelers

At least one of these teams is going to make the playoffs. Their defenses are very good but their offenses are limited so they will lose in the first round when they play the best of the best. But hey, the Elves making the playoffs is pretty good for them. And the Steelers can continue their streak of not having losing seasons.

Good…but not good enough: Bills, Cowboys, Seahawks and Dolphins

These 4 teams will all make the playoffs. They might even win a game. But they don’t have what it takes to make a deep run. The Seahawks haven’t faired well against the best teams and really haven’t domintated the bad ones either. Dak played about as good as he could against the Eagles and still couldn’t win. The Dolphins can’t beat anyone with a winning record and the Bills…I’m not sure what is wrong with them but they don’t look right. So I don’t have much faith in them at this point.

Verdict is still out: Jaguars, Lions and 49ers

I have the most confidence in the 49ers but they have lost 3 in a row and Purdy seems limited. The Jaguars are a very talented young team. Can they beat the best of the best? They play the 49ers and the Bengals in the coming weeks so we will find out. The Lions, much like the Elves will be happy to get in but can they make a run? I’m about 50/50 on it right now.

Super Bowl or Bust: Bengals, Ravens, Chiefs and Eagles

If you made a list of teams you don’t want to play, this would be it. The Ravens currently win the eye test as they have the best defense and have blown out a couple of really solid teams. With a healthy Kevin McCallister, the Bengals look more than formidable. The Eagles are the class of the NFC. And the Chiefs biggest struggle is offense. I don’t see that being an issue for the entire season. So when they get rolling offensively and still have a top 3 defense, look out.

Another interesting week of the NFL is in the books. We are almost to the halfway mark. Here are the rankings after week 8.

Raiders gonna Raider: Raiders

After losing back to back weeks to the Bears and the Lions, the Raiders fired their GM, fired their coach (who they should have never hired) and benched their QB they signed in free agency after running Derek Carr off. To make matters worse, they waited until after the trade deadline to do so and therefore didn’t trade off anybody for future draft capital. This is just a disaster of an organization.

Terrible, just terrible: Panthers, Patriots, Giants, Bears, Cardinals, Packers

Panthers finally won a game. They still suck. Patriots continue to lose and can’t seem to stop anyone. Bears are terrible unless they are playing the Raiders. I love the competitiveness of the Cardinals but 1-7 is still 1-7. Packers seem to be getting worse by the week. And the Giants had negative passing yards last game for goodness sake.

Broke a 16 game losing streak: Broncos

It took 5 turnovers and sick Patrick Mahomes but the Broncos finally got the win. They played better and deserved to win. Some people think this win is going to catapult them into future success. I am not one of those people. I simply think it is hard to beat anyone 17 times in a row and even harder when you turn the ball over 5 times.

Somebody is going to mess around and win 8 games and finish in 2nd place: Colts, Titans and Texans

The Jags have separated themselves from the pack. These 3 teams all have 3 wins. Do we see any of them winning 6 more? I do not.

9 wins and your in: Bucs, Saints, Falcons

These teams are a combined 11-12 on the season. If that doesn’t equal a 9 win division winner, I don’t know what does.

Would probably win the South but….they don’t play in the South: Rams and Commanders

These two up and down teams seem competitive week one week and look like they should be in the terrible category the next. Depending on the week they are either painful or fun to watch. Regardless they will be lucky to win 9 games which again would be good enough to win the South.

About to make a run and then their QB got broken: Vikings

Things were lining up for the Vikings after beating the 49ers. The schedule got softer and the team started to click. Now Kirk Cousins is out for the season. Instead of hanging it up they traded for Joshua Dobbs. Cousins isn’t great but Dobbs is no Cousins.

Chargers didn’t Charger: Chargers

Not even the Chargers could lose to the lowly Bears at home…although there were probably more Bears fans there. The Chargers have talent. They will be in it until the end and then probably do just enough to not make the playoffs.

Limited time…all the time: Elves, Steelers, and Jets

These teams have great defenses but their offenses are so limited that they can’t sustain winning over the long haul. They all have a shot at a wild card but won’t make much noise if they make it. I suppose if Aaron Rodgers comes back then maybe the Jets will have a shot but Aaron has made much positive noise in the playoffs lately either. The Jets and Elves make it so seldom though, they should be happy just to be there.

What the hell happened?: 49ers

You remember 4 weeks ago win the 49ers were unstoppable and were going to go undefeated? The bye comes just in time because this way they can’t lose this week.

We are good…no really, I’m serious: Bills and Cowboys

That is what Bills fans are telling themselves everyday right now. The Bills should be a top team but for some odd reason they are not. I can’t pinpoint why and I don’t think the Bills can either and that is a problem. The Cowboys continue to light up bad teams but can they beat anyone good? Cowboys don’t care about that, they will be talking about how great they are all the way up to kickoff.

Beware the Hair: Jaguars

The Jags look good and have me feeling good about them again. Sure they haven’t been playing the toughest of competition but a win in Pittsburgh is always impressive. They have a bye and then play the 49ers. They have a tough run of games coming up but face all the hard teams at home, 49ers, Bengals and Ravens. Jags are here to stay.

Guess who’s back: Bengals

This is what the Bengals do. They suck for 4 weeks throwing away the possibility of home field advantage and then they go on a tear. Assuming they win this week they will shoot up the rankings.

Getting harder to ignore: Lions, Ravens and Seahawks

These are quality teams that just keep winning. It isn’t always pretty but winning is winning. They are clear playoff teams and the Lions have a path to homefield advantage. Technically the Ravens do to but their path is much harder. The Seahawks may end up as a wild card but they aren’t going anywhere and will make the playoffs.

The Sky is Falling!: Chiefs

These are the streaks that were broken on Sunday.

The Chiefs had won 16 in row against Denver.

Mahomes had never lost to Denver.

Mahomes had never lost a road division game.

Mahomes had never lost to an opponent who was 2 or more games below .500.

These things are ridiculous and are bound to be broken. This was just the world ending abnormal things. The Chiefs have an occasional bad game, they are human although that is easy to forget. We are fine despite what a lot of Chiefs fans and media pundits say.

Best of the Best: Dolphins and Eagles

Eagles squeak out wins and the Dolphins win big but they both win games that they are supposed to and that is the mark of a great team. Both have upcoming games to prove they are still the best of the best. We shall see what happens.

Check out 5 for Friday as we have a great slate of games this week including one in each time slot from early Sunday morning all the way through Monday night.

I had my worst week of the year last week going 2-3. I’m 26-10 on the year. I am not too upset about last week though, because in case I hadn’t mentioned it…I was at the Chiefs game, which was awesome. Anyhoo, looking for a solid bounce back week. Amazingly, no teams are on bye this week. So let’s dive in to 5 for Friday.

Who’s going “Higher” in the standings: Vikings @ Packers

Apparently Kirk Cousins is forcing his teammates to listen to Creed before games in the locker room. This is the most Kirk Cousins thing ever. If you watched the Netflix series Quarterback, then you know Kirk is probably the dorkiest guy in the league. He shops at Kohl’s (or at least his wife shops for him there). He doesn’t really say bad words and sometimes wears really large chains while not wearing a shirt. Kirk is very likable but lets be honest, most of us wrote him and the Vikings off when they were 1-4 and Justin Jefferson got hurt. Since then they beat the hapless bears and the “unstoppable” 49ers. Now they face a Packers team that I thought would be solid but have turned out to be pretty terrible. I don’t think Jordan Love is the answer but they haven’t been helped by the injury bug. Pretty much all their best offensive players have been hurt at some point including Aaron Jones who is on one of my fantasy team and hasn’t really played a lot since the first week. Both teams somehow still have a great chance of making the playoffs. But I like the directions the Vikings are headed. Kirk takes the Vikings Higher and gets them to .500. Also, my son told me the other day that he likes Nickelback. I laughed because I thought he was joking. Is Nickelback cool now? Is that what the world has come to?

Vikings 31 Packers 17

Jersey Shore: NY Jets @ NY Giants…in New Jersey

The Jets and Giants share a field. To make things even better, that field is in New Jersey. Also, the field sucks and people always get hurt on it. Anyway, the Jets are coming off a bye but have been playing some great defense and some just good enough offense. Zach Wilson is played average at QB which is a huge improvement for him. On the other side, the Giants have been without Daniel Jones the last two weeks and have been drastically more competitive. Tyrod Taylor has filled in and led his team to an impressive 23 points of offense the last two weeks. That’s 23 points combined…not 23 points per game. And yes, it is still an improvement. But good offenses struggle against this Jets D so I don’t like the Giants offensive chances no matter who is playing QB. Assuming Zach Wilson continues to play average and doesn’t turn the ball over a bunch, the Jets should win this one pretty easily because the Giants are just awful.

Jets 23 Giants 10

Battle of the hair: Jaguars @ Steelers

This game is the battle of first round quarterbacks who need a hair cut. Trevor Lawrence has played solid since heading to London. They’ve come back and taken care of business against the Colts and Saints and are now in great position to win their division. The defense has been solid and the offense has a lot of weapons. I have Lawrence in one of my fantasy leagues and am highly annoyed by Travis Etienne who keeps scoring all the touchdowns. But the Jags have looked good, winning 4 in a row. The Steelers have stayed competitive, mostly due to their defense that continues to be a dominant force. But the offense hasn’t looked terrible the last couple of weeks either. The Steelers don’t need a lot of offense to win, they just need to be functional. Prior to the year, I was high on the Jags and thought the Steelers would make the playoffs. I think both still happen but I like the Jags in this one. Even on the road, I think the Jags are the clear better team all the way around. And let’s be honest, Lawrence has way better hair.

Jaguars 24 Steelers 20

The System QB vs Brock Purdy: Bengals @ 49ers

I know a lot of people are critical of Brock Purdy and say he is a system QB. And he has struggled the last two weeks. Brock is a bit limited and facing adversity for the first time in his career. But Burrow might also be a system QB. I think Burrow is solid but when has Burrow played and had success without an all star cast? At LSU he was throwing to Chase and Justin Jefferson. Now he is throwing to Chase, Higgins and Boyd. Not a tough life. Brock also has a ton of weapons and a very good defense. The defense didn’t look as dominant this past week though. Burrow and company are better than Kirk and the Vikings. Both these teams need this win. The Bengals have a tough schedule and dropping to 3-4 is not ideal. The 49ers obviously don’t want to lose 3 in a row. This should be a very good game. My prediction really comes down to which thing I can imagine more, the Bengals being 3-4 or the 49ers losing 3 in a row. Both are possible, but I’ll take the 49ers in a bounce back game.

49ers 30 Bengals 24

The quiet game: Chiefs @ Broncos

Most Sundays are filled with fun and joy as my family hangs out and watches football most of the day. Although secretly, neither my wife or I want the other person’s team to win, we play nice and cheer along and congratulate each other on the win. Well she congratulates me and I say “sorry your team lost, again.” But everyone is cordial and tries to enjoy the day together. But two weeks out of the football season, things are different. Her Broncos and My Chiefs play each other. This year, the combination of games come very close together. We already had a Thursday night game and now after one week off, we are back at it. Typically, this is the quietest Sunday of the year. Danielle and I sit on opposite sides of the couch and try not to cheer to loud when are team does well. This year, my Sister will be here for the awkwardness. Perhaps she can sit in the middle of the couch. After the game the winner tries to leave the loser alone and not brag to much. The next morning we wake up and everything is okay again. The good news is after this week we don’t have to worry about this again until 2024.

As far as the game goes, the Chiefs are one win away from beating the Broncos for an entire season. They have won 16 in a row. One more and it is a whole season of winning. I really thought the Broncos would be better this year. Not good, but better. But they are the same mess that they always are or at least have been since 2015. The Chiefs have dominated the division since then and Mahomes has only lost 3 division games. He is undefeated against the Broncos but the winning streak started even before him. I thought this would be the year that it ended. But I just don’t see it happening so we will have to wait until at least 2024 for the streak to end. Speaking of streaks, I read the following this morning. Mahomes is 12-0 against the Broncos. He is a ridiculous 16-0 against the division in road games. He is 25-0 against teams that are more than 2 games below .500. All streaks must come to an end. But not this week.

Chiefs 30 Broncos 17

Another NFL week is in the books and this one was especially fun since I got to go to the Mizzou game followed by the Chiefs game. For those of you who have never been to a Chiefs game, you really need to experience it. Tailgating and atmosphere pre game is top notch and it is the loudest stadium on the league and the Chiefs fans will fight you if you say otherwise. Anyway, I watched a little less football overall but I saw enough to give you my vastly important and definitely accurate rankings. Let’s dive in.

Barely didn’t lose: Panthers

They remain the only team not to win a game but not even they can lose on a bye so they have that going for them.

Terrible, just terrible: Giants, Raiders, Commanders, Packers

Giants are almost 2-0 the last two weeks but they have only scored 23 points in those games and it really has more to do with the other teams sucking then them playing well. The Commanders lost to the Giants which is terrible. The Raiders didn’t have their QB but the Bears were without Fields and they didn’t just lose they got demolished by a team who’s QB last starting game was a loss to Colorado School of the mines. I had high hopes for the Packers because everyone was saying they would be terrible. I hate it when I am wrong and the masses on social media are right but that is what has happened in Green Bay. Stupid Packers.

Showed a pulse but still terrible: Patriots, Bears, Broncos

These 3 teams won but I am confident they all still suck and will show that next week.

Hustle award: Cardinals

I keep wanting to move them to the terrible category but these pesky birds just keep showing up every week and competing with good teams. But they are 1-6. Once it becomes impossible for them to have a winning record, I’ll probably move them to the terrible category.

Suck…but I’m not sure why: Chargers

I know the Chargers coach is an idiot but still, they have a great roster and a good quarterback. Staley is a defensive coach and they have a talented defense but they can’t seem to stop anyone. Kellen Moore has not helped them score more points especially when it matters. I would assume they will fire Staley but they are the Chargers so who knows.

Someone is going to mess around and win 9 games and a divisional title: Jaguars, Colts, Texans, Titans, Saints, Bucs and Falcons

Jaguars have almost worked themselves out of this category so they will probably lose this week to the Steelers. Everyone else is okay but not good. Congrats to the Jags for being over half way to the 9 win total and the Falcons for almost being halfway there.

Where did that come from?: Vikings

The Vikings are 1-4 with Justin Jefferson. They are 2-0 without him. Sometimes things just don’t make sense. But the Vikings showed they can be a top team when they want to be. Now can they do that consistently?

Missing some parts: Rams, Jets, Cowboys, Seahawks

These teams are going to win some games and are competitive and will be in the playoff conversation for a while. The Cowboys will probably get in. But they all have flaws. Cowboys QB is limited, Jets QB is real limited, and the Rams just don’t have enough on defense. Seahawks are a solid team but don’t have enough to play with the top teams.

What is going on!!!: Bills

The Bills seemed like the best team in the league a few weeks ago when they smoked the Dolphins. Since then they should have lost to the Giants and did lose to the Patriots. I am not sure why or how they are 4-3 and 1-2 in their division. But I think they might be in trouble.

I hate this division but they are pretty good: Ravens, Bengals, Steelers and Elves

Ravens are legit but I am sure they will get hurt eventually. The Bengals started slow and have some tough games coming up that will either make them slip out of playoff contention or make them a legit contender. The Steelers and Elves have such great defenses and just enough offense to make them dangerous. If the Ravens can stay healthy they are the cream of the crop but that is a big if.

Humble Pie: Lions and Dolphins

Right after I complimented them last week both these teams laid an egg. The Lions got absolutely demolished by the Ravens and the Dolphins only scored one offensive td this week. They both have weak schedules ahead of them and they aren’t going anywhere but they still have something to prove that the belong in the top level of teams.

I don’t know if anyone is going to beat them…oh wait: 49ers

Every year we crown some team as the best in the league that no one can beat. This year it was the 49ers. But they have dropped 2 in a row. Whoops. Brock Purdy is a pretty good quarterback but hasn’t seemed to be able to handle the pressure and come from behind. They are still a really good team and I think they are in the same conversation as the Eagles and Chiefs but you can’t drop 2 in a row in be in the top group on Jeff Campbell’s rankings.

The best of the best: Eagles and Chiefs

I have said most of the year that the Eagles and 49ers are the top two teams. But this week the 9ers are out and the Eagles remain. The Chiefs join them after holding the Chargers to only 17 points including no points in the second half. The offense looked very good most of the game and just need to clean up the mistakes. Also, welcome back Mecole Hardman!

Check out this week’s 5 for Friday in a few days.

After going 5-0 in back to back weeks, I only went 3-2 this past week. This is what I get for picking the Chargers. This puts my season record at 24-7. Let’s see if I can bounce back this week. Even though there are 6 teams on bye there are some good games this week. Let’s dive in.

Battle of the crappy cities: Lions @ Ravens:

Lions and Ravens are both in first place leading their northern divisions. They are also both reside in pretty terrible cities. I know there are some nice areas around both before people start to get mad at me. But the actual Baltimore and Detroit cities are pretty rough. Speaking of being rough, lets talk about the life of a Lions fan. They last won a championship in 1957. Ouch. In the last 66 years they have made the playoffs 12 times. They have won exactly 1 playoff game. 1? 1 damn playoff game? How is that even possible. When you complain about your favorite sports team, just remember the Lions. The Ravens have had much more recent success. Their biggest problem is much like their city, their team is broken or will be soon. I call them the 49ers of the East because they have so many injuries. Typically all their running backs get hurt before week 5 and often before the season even starts. Except for their best running back, Lamar. He usually gets hurt later in the year. These two teams play tough defense have some good offensive weapons and seem to be trending in the right direction. Usually when I see evenly matched teams, I roll with the home team. But I am going with crazy Dan Campbell and boring Jared Goff in this one. The Lions bite the Ravens knee caps leading to more injuries and a Detroit victory.

Lions 23 Ravens 20

The Best of the Worst: Falcons @ Bucs

With the Saints loss last night, these two boring and average teams will battle it out for sole possession of this terrible division. The winner will have 4 wins and be nearly half way to the total needed to win the division. Neither team has been terrible and neither has been impressive. I am not at all excited about this one, but with 6 teams on bye, I got to write about something. Both these teams have some good players but are lacking at the QB position. Desmond Ridder hasn’t done anything to inspire confidence. Baker went from pretty good to slightly below average last week. This has low scoring fg fest written all over it. The Falcons like to run the ball and avoid throwing to Drake London and Kyle Pitts. The Bucs have to avoid running the ball because their running backs suck. Luckily, I’ll be tailgating with Chiefs Kingdom so I won’t have to watch much of this snooze fest. I don’t believe in either coach at all. I don’t really believe in either QB either so I’ll go with Baker who I have slightly more confidence in. How bad is your QB when I have more confidence in Baker? And the Bucs are at home. So fire up the stupid cannons or whatever.

Bucs 20 Falcons 13

The Glad I won’t be home game: Packers @ Broncos

As you know, my wife’s favorite team is the Broncos. My son’s favorite team is the Packers. I love my son very much but he is pretty awful to watch football games with. He gets very emotional and upset about things and will say “we are going to lose” 5 or 6 minutes into the game. He also is almost 15 and apparently in the last year has dramatically expanded his knowledge on all things because he seems to know everything about everything. Luckily for Danielle and I we get to reap the benefits of his new found knowledge as he is happy to tell us how much he is right and how wrong we are. Unfortunately, this new found knowledge of all things has not translated to the classroom according to his grades. He especially likes to talk down to my wife about football things. If you have met Danielle you know that one of her favorite things is to be corrected. She used to always call Ohio State, Ohio instead. I would say it’s Ohio State and she would say, thank you so much for pointing that out to me. I really appreciate it. In case my text isn’t clear, this is sarcasm. She hates being corrected. What she hates even more than being corrected is her 14 year old son telling her how things are which he does a lot in general but really likes to do during football games. To top things off, the Broncos have been terrible and her Sundays have been pretty miserable. So now her options are her team loses to her son’s team and he talks down to her about football or her team beats his team and he throws a fit about how the Packers suck, etc. It’s a lose, lose for her. Typically I play mediator in these scenarios which is another lose, lose situation. But I’ll be in arrowhead and oblivious to the whole thing. Anyway, I don’t think the Packers are very good but the Broncos are just a hot mess. Sean Payton was going to change all the things but they sure look a lot like last year’s team only the defense is worse. This game will likely go down to the wire to make the whole situation that much more miserable for the Danielle. I’m guessing the Broncos get up early so that most of the first half she gets to hear Walker talk about how his team sucks and everything sucks. And then in the second half the Packers come back just in time for Walker to explain football to her.

Packers 24 Broncos 20

Football Extravaganza Game 2: Chargers @ Chiefs

In case it isn’t abundantly clear yet, I am going to the Chiefs game on Sunday. For those of you who don’t know, I live in Colorado but flew into KC today. I must say that DIA is a complete disaster. I almost missed my flight because all the parking at the airport was full. How does this even happen? How can it always be full? Does no one ever leave? The signs told me to go to the Pikes Peak lot so I did. Once I arrived there I found out that it was also full. I definitely should have ubered to the airport. Then I had to find another lot. Once I got in there, I drove around for another 20 minutes finding a spot. I was just about to give up when I found a spot that was tight but I was able to squeeze into. Then I had to wait around for a shuttle. Luckily, I have Clear and was able to get through security quickly. The flight was delayed a little bit which was the first time I have ever been excited about my flight being delayed. Anyway, I made it but that is why this blog is coming out so late. We start our football extravaganza tomorrow as we head to the Mizzou game. It will be a day full of tailgating followed by the Mizzou game followed by more tailgating. Then my brother and I will wake up on Sunday and do it all over again at Arrowhead. Although I am a die hard fan, I have not been to Arrowhead since my senior year of high school. My brother said he hasn’t been there since Todd Blackledge was quarterback. We are both obviously excited to be there again and watch the greatness of Patrick Mahomes. We play the Chargers so people are predicting a close game. To be fair most of our games are close and pretty much all Chargers games are close. Patrick has only lost 3 division games as a starter which is just a ridiculous stat. But 2 of those have been against the Chargers. This will be a great test for our defense but I like our chances. We are do for a good offensive game. Plus Patrick is Patrick. Old Jeff before Patrick would assume we would lose because I worked so hard to get there and that is just my luck. But new Jeff (who is technically old) with Patrick believes we are always going to win. That used to be an odd feeling but now it is just the way it is and it is beautiful. The most common question I have gotten from people is are you excited to see Taylor Swift. One, we will not see her where we are sitting. And two, no, I don’t care about seeing Taylor Swift. I am really excited to see Patrick Mahomes play in person. I think they put on a show for us because Justin and I deserve it damn it. But regardless of the result it is going to be an awesome football extravaganza weekend!

Chiefs 31 Chargers 20

Tua, Tyreek and the Tush Push: Dolphins @ Eagles

Two of the best teams in the league will meet up for the Football Extravaganza night cap. These are two of the more fun teams to watch. Both teams have a lot of good players and both have good young coaches. Mike McDaniel is one of my favorite people in the sport. He is funny and smart an obvious nerd. He has the Dolphins rolling over bad teams. The problem is the one time they played a good team, they got rolled themselves. The Eagles lost their first game last week to the Jets. They haven’t looked great but you can tell all the pieces are there. The Eagles secondary is a little beat up which isn’t ideal when you are playing Tyreek. Tyreek is on pace for like 3 thousand yards receiving. However, the Dolphins D isn’t all that good so the Eagles should be able to score as well. There should be lots of offense in this one with a lot of explosive plays. But I think it comes down to the good old tush push that no one can stop or replicate. The Eagles bounce back from their loss and edge out the Dolphins in a fun and entertaining game. But Tyreek still gets a bunch of yards and Tua continues his streak of games without being concussed. I am sure it is due to the karate he learned in the offseason.

Eagles 34 Dolphins 28

Apparently baseball is still playing, hockey and basketball is about to start…but who cares because, Football!!! Week 6 is in the books. Here are this week’s rankings.

Probably won’t lose this week: Panthers

They are 0-6 but they can’t lose this week because they are on a bye, right? Right?

What’s worse than terrible?: Patriots, Broncos, Bears, Giants

Patriots lost to a terrible Raiders team who’s QB got hurt. Bears lost to a Vikings team without Justin Jefferson and now their QB is hurt. Broncos defense finally stopped someone but it didn’t matter because they were terrible offensively. My favorite part was when Sean Payton forgot what down it was and called timeout on 4th down so he could punt the ball to the Chiefs before the half and allow the the Chiefs to save their timeouts and go kick a field goal. The first 3 years I lived here all I heard was the Broncos had a great roster and they were just a QB away. Then they got a QB and they said the coach is terrible. We are just a coach away. Then the got Sean Payton and somehow they are worse. Tear it all down, Denver, tear it all down! Giants somehow played better without Daniel Jones but still couldn’t pull off the win against the Bills. They are a disaster.

Hustle Award: Cardinals

The Cardinals are terrible but I just can’t say negative things about them, yet. They played the Rams tough for a while. But it seems every week they get a little worse and lose by a little more.

.500 on paper but terrible in real life: Raiders, Commanders

Raiders play the Bears and the Commanders play the Giants. They are both about to be 4-3. They both absolutely suck. More losses are on the way, just not this week.

First to 9 wins the division: Texans, Colts, Jaguars, Titans, Saints, Falcons, Bucs

2 of the teams are going to win 9 games and win the division. Congrats to the Jags for being more than a 3rd of the way there.

2 win teams that I thought would be good but aren’t: Packers, Vikings

I guess I was wrong about the Packers. Too bad. The Vikings should be good, but they are not. They are worse without Jefferson. They play an angry 49ers team this week. Ouch.

Still have 1 more win than fans: Chargers

The Chargers don’t have a lot of fans but they had one overly excited fan that they showed over and over again during the Cowboys game. I know the Chargers suck but I want to be as excited about anything in life as she is about the Chargers.

Won a close game but still aren’t that good: Cowboys

Prior to this week, the Cowboys had blown people out or got blown out. They won a close game this week. But it was against the Chargers who always find a way to lose.

3 win teams that are a tough out: Rams, Jets, Seahawks

Rams have overperformed so far. They look very solid. They aren’t winning the division or super bowl or anything but they are pretty dang good. The Jets even with Zach Wilson look solid. They aren’t going anywhere. Seahawks aren’t great but they have enough weapons to play competitively with anyone.

ugh…I hate all these teams: Bengals, Steelers, Browns, Ravens

I don’t know who is going to win this division. I do know that it is the most unlikable division in football. The only people who like these teams are their loyal fans most of which are unlikable themselves. In fact, I think deep down they don’t even like themselves. Anyway, at least a couple of these teams are making the playoffs.

Okay…Fine, they are good: Lions, Dolphins

I am not a believer that either team can win it all. But part of being a good team is winning the games you are supposed to win. Both these teams do that week in and week out. Both have tough games this week which will tell us a little more about who they are.

Winning because of defense…just like we all expected: Bills, Chiefs

These two offensive juggernauts put up a whopping 19 and 14 points against two of the worst defenses in the league this past week. Both of these offenses have been up and down all season but their defenses have played admirable. They will figure out the offensive side and when they do…look out.

Gave the Stupid 72 Dolphins a reason to celebrate: Eagles and 49ers

Every year, when the last undefeated team loses, the 72 Dolphins get together and have a celebration. And anyone who knows me well, knows that I absolutely hate it. Look, am I happy when the Raiders lose sure. Did it bring me a little joy to see the Cardinals struggle in baseball this year? Of course. That is because I hate those teams. But in general I am not cheering against others success. But that is exactly what these old farts do. Now they are doing this less and less because a lot of them are dying. But they take so much joy in being the only undefeated team that they cheer against the rest of the teams for all of history. This is so stupid. First of all, The Patriots were 18-0 and they just lost the super bowl but still won one more game than them. Now you could match their 17-0 just during the regular season. You have to win 3 more games to match their stupid undefeated season. And they weren’t some juggernaut that year. They won the super bowl 14-7. I will cheer for the Chiefs over all things but if they played an undefeated team from the NFC in the Super Bowl, I would cheer for that team just to shut up these guys and put this whole “the only perfect team” thing to rest forever. But it won’t be this year because now everyone has a loss. Anyway, the Eagles and 49ers are still the best two teams in the league.

Check out 5 for Friday in a couple of days. It’s a good slate of games.

We are back with another round of 5 for Friday where I give you commentary and predictions for 5 games from this week’s slate. I’m 21-5 on the year and 10-0 the last two weeks so if you want to take me to Vegas, just let me know. Let’s jump in to this week’s game.

Snooze Fest: Ravens @ Titans in London

The NFL is in London for the 3rd week in a row. This time it is not the Jaguars though. Instead we get the never exciting Titans vs the occasionally exciting Ravens. Both these teams seem to begrudgingly win 8-11 games every year. Even when they aren’t good, wild card weekend rolls around and everyone is like these guys are in the playoffs? So I know you will be pumped to wake up early to catch this one. kick off is at 7:30 AM my time. Not only are these teams boring, I don’t really like them either. So am I going to get up on one of the two mornings I occasionally get to sleep in to watch a boring game between two teams I hate? Yes, yes I am. Why? Football that is why.

The Titans are averaging an exciting 17.6 points per game. Traveling usually makes teams a little sluggish so that is not going to help their cause much. Their stars are Ryan Tannehill, Derick Henry and Deandre Hopkins. If this was 2019, that would be one hell of a lineup. But it is 2023 and Henry is tired, Hopkins is pretty good and Tannehill is well…Tannehill. Anyone else remember when he played receiver at Texas A&M?

The Ravens got all of these new weapons, most of which are injured because they are the Ravens. OBJ has played about 13 snaps this year. Lamar is a better but still not a great passer and his team had 8 drops last week in a loss to the Steelers. The Titans have a good run defense and a terrible passing defense that in theory Lamar should be able to exploit. But this has FG fest written all over it.

So make sure to get up early, skip church and plop down on your couch to watch these two unlikable teams play in an ugly, low scoring slugfest. Or you can hit snooze a bunch to avoid the snooze fest. This will likely come down to a FG. I don’t know who the Titans kicker is, but I am sure they suck. They always do. The Ravens have Justin Tucker.

Ravens 16 Titans 13

It’s My House! I must protect it: Seahawks @ Bengals

Kevin and the Bengals had a must win game last week against the Cardinals and they delivered. But this is sort of a must win game too. They have a bye followed by 49ers and Bills. And the schedule doesn’t get easy after that. It’s an uphill battle and 2-4 might be too big of a hole for them to dig out of even with Kevin McCallister looking like himself again. Seattle has looked solid after a week 1 dud. But their last 3 weeks are also Carolina, the Giants and a bye week. Seattle is 3rd in giving up the most passing yards and Jamaar Chase is always f’ing open. I know because I played against him in fantasy last week. I am not a strong believer in either of these teams at this point. I actually like most of the Seahawks players but don’t really like Pete Carrol. I am not a big fan of people who chew their gum in an extreme fashion. As you all know, I am not a fan at all of the Bengals. Typically I have sympathy for teams that never win anything but the Bengals have proven to break that trend by beating the Chiefs a few times and having the cockiest group of players that I have seen in a long time. I don’t mean just cocky but it is sort of a cocky plus lack of respect/admiration of those who came before them. They are arrogant little buggers. But mostly I just hate them because they beat the Chiefs. I think this should be a good game with evenly matched teams. Since it is pretty even I’ll take the better QB and the team more desperate for a win. Burrow sets enough traps for the Seahawks to get tripped up on and seals the deal with snow “shovel” pass to Chase for the knock out.

Bengals 34 Seahawks 28

Uncle Rico vs Sunshine: Colts @ Jaguars

The Jaguars were 2-0 in London. Oddly they are 0-2 in Jacksonville. They just beat the Bills and it looks like they are starting to put things together. This seems like the perfect trap game that teams like the Jags always fall into. I think the Jags have a lot of talent and I was high on them coming into the season but I still think they are going to have some more growing pains. Now Gardner Minshew comes into town. Gardner is an odd character. I am pretty sure he lives in a trailer in the woods or something. He is a wanderer. He is also who Trevor Lawrence replaced. Gardner got his start with the Jags after playing with Mike Leach in college. And he is the perfect QB to play for Leach (RIP). Also Mike Leach was amazing. Now Gardner is leading the Colts because Anthony Richardson got hurt…again. This is a revenge game for Gardner. Both teams are 3-2 and the winner is going to be in the lead in the AFC South and will likely be nearly half way to the win total needed to win the division. Jonathan Taylor is back. Zach Moss is running great. The Colts look like a real football team which is great for them but I personally miss Jeff Saturday as their coach as it made for much better commentary. Anyway, I think this is a back and forth battle. The Colts get the ball last and Gardner Minshew throws one over the mountain uncle rico style for the game winning touchdown.

Colts 26 Jags 20

Battle of QBs no one wanted: Lions @ Bucs

The Lions and Bucs are a combined 7-2 entering week 6 just like we all expected. I know there were those who thought the Lions would be good and predicted them to win the division. But those people didn’t really believe it. I mean, they are the lions after all. The Bucs play in the South and have beat the Saints, Bears and Vikings so not overly impressive but it is still 2 more wins than I thought they would have. Somehow this team is better with Baker Mayfield then they were with Tom Brady. Jared Goff continues to play solid football despite my mockery. He has good weapons around him. Both teams have solid identities and seem to know who and what they are.

Both Goff and Baker got dumped by the teams that drafted them. Goff led the Rams to the super bowl and got dumped 2 years later. Baker led the Elves to their first playoff win since Bernie Kosar was their quarterback and they booted him too. Then he went to the Panthers who are just awful and he couldn’t get playing time so they shipped him off to the Rams. Baker is like that friend you have that is really fun to hang out with a couple of times a year but anything past that he drives you crazy and you begin to hate him. But the Bucs haven’t gotten to that stage yet. Don’t worry, they will. Goff on the other hand is the quiet friend who doesn’t say much and then he pipes up and says something really insightful but you can’t take that information because the whole time you are trying to figure out if your quiet friend has been there the whole time or if he just showed up. Both defenses are good. It feels like the Bucs are due to for a let down. The Lions are always due for a let down. Bottom line, I think the Lions are actually good and I think the Bucs still have Todd Bowles as their head coach.

Lions 31 Bucs 20

The Hype Game: Cowboys @ Chargers but really Chargers @ Cowboys even though it is in LA.

There are 2 offseason certainties. First, the Cowboys will be hyped up as super bowl contenders. Secondly, the Chargers are always hyped to beat the Chiefs and win the division. We hear all about how good the rosters are. We hear all about all the weapons. We hear about how Justin Herbert is this incredible Quarterback. We hear about how Dak isn’t as terrible as we think he is. All we hear is good things.

Then the season starts. The Chargers lose games they shouldn’t lose. The Cowboys get blown out by any team with a pulse. But anytime either team wins all the praise comes pouring back in. The Chargers actually should be good but I don’t think Herbert is overly clutch and I think they have one of the worst coaches in the league. The Cowboys have an average QB and a coach that was good 15 years ago. Both these teams know how to disappoint. Despite all the talent, they haven’t won a super bowl since the 1995 season. The Chargers haven’t won a championship since forever and have only made one super bowl in their history. To pour salt on their wound they don’t even have a home crowd. On a good day, it is 50/50. Most games they have less fans than the opposing team. This will be one of those games.

This is a tough game to predict. The Cowboys only get blown out or blow people out. The Chargers only play close games. It really comes down to whoever has the ball last. But not like you would think. You remember the 13 second game? Perhaps the greatest game in recent history? I was watching that game and the whole time Mahomes and Allen were playing so incredible you just knew whoever got the ball last would win. Well this is sort of the opposite. If the Chargers have the ball last you know their coach is going to do something dumb to cost them the game. If the cowboys have the ball last, you know Dak is going to do something dumb and lose it for the Cowboys. So really it is a coin flip. So here is what happens. The Chargers are up 3. They have the ball at their own 40 with a minute to go. The Cowboys are out of timeouts. It’s 4th and 2. Instead of kicking it away, their dumb coach decides to go for it and they don’t make it. Dak leads them down the field and then throws an interception at the 10 yard line. There is your script for Monday night. You’re welcome NFL.

Chargers 31 Cowboys 28