Fifth Down

Another NFL week is in the books. Lots of good games this week, I watched at least 30 seconds of each game which gives me the expertise to rank teams every week. Let’s jump in.

What’s worse than terrible?: Panthers, Patriots, Giants

The Panthers remain the league’s only winless team and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. They do have a bye in two weeks so they probably won’t lose that week. The Patriots have been outscored 72-3 the last two weeks. The Giants have yet to score an offensive touchdown in the first half of a game.

Terrible, just terrible: Bears, Broncos, the team in DC

The Bears lost 14 games in a row going back to last year until their win on Thursday night. Fields looks better against bad defenses but I am far from thinking he is good and their defense is awful. The Commanders almost beat the Eagles but then lost at home to the Bears. They have a defensive head coach but can’t stop anyone. The Broncos continue to ruin my wife’s Sunday every week. They give her just a slither of hope each game and then it quickly gets taken away. The good news is they won’t lose this Sunday because they are going to do that on Thursday instead.

Team I forgot about last week that sucks: Packers

I left the Packers off last week on accident. No one cared or noticed. I wish I didn’t have to talk about them this week. They are not good. I wanted to believe but if you can’t beat the Raiders, who can you beat. Hopefully the bye week helps them get on track.

Raiders gonna Raider: Raiders

They won this week and are now 2-3 but really should have lost but Jordan Love gave them the ball a bunch. They could be 3-3 because they play the Patriots this week. Man, sometimes it is just about who you get to play.

The hustle award: Cardinals

These guys show up every week and put up a fight despite not really having anything going for them. If there was a participation trophy, I’d hand it to them first. I got the hustle award in high school for basketball. This is the award that goes to the player that isn’t a great scorer but runs around a lot and does their best. I see you Cards, and I appreciate you.

Best 1-4 team in the league: Vikings

The Vikings were 11-0 last year in one score games. This year they are 1-4 in those same games. But hey, their Quarterback is a really nice guy. Oh and also they just lost their best player for multiple weeks.

Did they figure it out? Verdict is still out: Jets and Bengals

The Jets have played well in back to back weeks. Is Zach Wilson getting better? Are they figuring it out? The Bengals beat up a scrappy but bad Cardinals team so I am not ready to throw the Bengals towards the top of the list. Their next 4 weeks are Seahawks, bye week, 49ers and Bills. Let’s see how they look after that.

America’s Paper Team: Cowboys

Everyone was singing their praises until they lost to the Cards. Then they beat up on a terrible Patriots team and we are ready to put them in the same category as the Eagles and 49ers??? They suck.

First to 9…wins: Texans, Colts, Titans, Jaguars, Saints, Falcons and Bucs

two of these teams are going to win 9 games and win the division. Congrats to the Bucs, Saints, Falcons, Colts and Jaguars for being a 3rd of the way there.

Best 2-3 team in the league: Rams

The Rams have some good players and a solid coach. They would probably win the NFC South. But unfortunately for them, they play in the NFC West.

Probably going to lose the division title to the Bengals: Steelers, Ravens and Elves

All 3 have had an early opportunity stake their claim with the Bengals struggling. They have all failed to do so. Two of the 3 have beat the Bengals but the Steelers have beat those two. Any of these teams could win the division. But I still think the only one that could win a playoff game is the Bengals.

Didn’t find a way to lose this week: Chargers

They were on a bye.

I forgot them last week and no one noticed: Lions

Look the Lions look good and I think they will be a tough out all year long. I was wrong about them. But they are still the Lions which is why no one is taking them too seriously and I forgot about them.

Seem really good right now because they had a bye and played the Giants the week before: Seahawks

I don’t remember them not being good so we will put them here in the rankings.

Scoring a hell of a lot of points against bad teams: Dolphins

They are really fun to watch play these bad teams. They do not mess around and they have a lot of fast dudes. We will see what happens when the competition gets tougher, but they play the Panthers this week, so look for another fun 50 plus from them.

Can’t have nice things: Bills

What’d I tell ya? One week after a dominating win against the “unstoppable” Dolphins they turn around and lose to the Jags in London. I feel sorry for Bills fans, I really do.

Can’t beat us, the swifties, and the refs!: Chiefs

Everyone hates us. I’d hate us too. You know what I hate more than the refs helping us win? Losing. Oh and on a side note, our defense hasn’t given up more than 20 points in a game this year and you know our offense is going to figure it out eventually. Good luck, everyone.

Beating everybody and haven’t figured it out yet: Eagles

They don’t look good but they still look better than everyone but the 49ers.

Enjoying being the best until everyone gets hurt: 49ers

It’s inevitable. It’s only a matter of time before the injuries pile up. But today the 49ers look like they are better than everyone else.

Tune in on Friday for 5 for Friday. I’ve gone 5-0 in back to back weeks! This past week I didn’t even need Taylor Swift’s help.

Well thanks to my girl, Tay Tay, I went 5-0 last week and am now 15-5 on the year. Lets see if I can keep it rolling on 5 for Friday on week 5. That’s a lot of fives.

London Bills are falling down: Jaguars @ Bills in London

You may have not been up early enough to watch the Jags beat the Falcons last week. And unless you have ESPN Plus you couldn’t watch it all. Or so I thought. Then I stumbled upon the reality that I could watch it on Disney Plus only instead of a normal looking game, it was toy story style in Andy’s room. It was actually quite fun and is now my daughter’s and my sister’s preferred way to watch football. The Jaguars basically want to be in London and if you have ever been to Jacksonville, you know why. Their fan base is not overly supportive but to be fair to the people in Jacksonville, their team has sucked the majority of their existence. The Jags have underachieved so far and Trevor Lawrence has not performed well. It seems like he doesn’t even care about my fantasy team. Meanwhile, since the week 1 debacle, the Bills have looked like the best team in the AFC especially after dominating the Dolphins last week. Now Von Miller is coming back so they should be even better defensively. Everything is headed in the right direction. But as I always say, the Bills can’t have nice things. The Jags have spent the last two weeks in London hanging out with my nephew so they will be more rested and come out and play their best game. The Bills do what they always do when the have success. Quickly throw it away.

Jags 30 Bills 24

Home Alone vs No one’s home: Bengals @ Cardinals

There will be a quarterback who is playing really well in the Cardinals stadium this week. His name of course is Joshua Dobbs just like we all suspected. The Cardinals might not have many fans in the stands or good players or an owner that cares about winning or a coach with any experience. But they are scrappy. I remember one time I did something to piss off my brother when he was in college and I was like a freshman in high school. He was at his physical peak. 6’4, 220 working out every day for football. He was a kicker in college and in fact I think what I did to piss him off was make fun of him for being a kicker but I am not quite sure. Anyway, we were at my grandma’s house and then we got home and right as I walk in he turns around throws me up against the wall and says what’s your problem. I was the same height I am now, but weighed 120 pounds if my clothes were soaking wet. How much I weigh now is not important and we don’t need to talk about it. Anyway, I should have shuddered at this giant. But instead I looked at him and said, I don’t have a problem, what’s your problem. He then asked if I wanted to take it outside to solve things. I again should have said, “nah, I’m good.” But instead I said something dumb like “Let’s do it.” We went into the front yard and he begin to toss me around like a rag doll. I didn’t cry and I also didn’t stay down. I just kept getting back up for no apparent reason even though I knew I was just going to get my ass kicked some more. By the time we finally stopped, my brother was cheering me on. That is how I feel about the Cardinals. I think they know they suck and they don’t care. They just go out there and play scrappy football and keep getting back up each week. And honestly, you sort of start cheering for them. I mean, not the crowd because no one is actually at the game but at home on my couch, I’m like you go cards.

The Bengals on the other hand have a ton of talent. They have arguably the best trio of wide receivers in the league. A good defense and other good players all around. I get that Macualay Culkin is hurt. He is playing through injury but he is not playing well. This week he said this is a must win game. You think. The Bengals need this win. Losing to the Cardinals is bad, going to 1-4 is worse. My gut is saying the Cards get the win but I can’t imagine a world where a Josh Dobbs led Cardinals team has a better record than a Joe Burrow led Bengals team. I’m going Bengals here but it will bring me much joy if the Cardinals win.

Bengals 20- Cardinals 17

Can they Hackett: Jets @ Broncos

The Broncos were a disaster last year with the Russ and Hackett show. It was a bumpy “ride” that ended with the firing of Hackett. Sean Payton said some mean things about everyone when he talked about the team before the season started. Rodgers and others came to Hackett’s defense. Payton then tried to pull back from his comments but it was too late. Payton then proceeded to go 1-3 in the first 4 games and give up 70 points in a game. While the offense does look better than last year, the defense looks significantly worse. Like bottom of the league worse. And even the offense has some of the same issues. Holding penalties, delay of games, etc. Here is the reality of the Broncos that I have been saying since everyone in the Denver media blamed everything on Drew Lock. Drew wasn’t that good but neither is the rest of the roster. Since Peyton Manning retired all I heard was they just need a QB. They were a QB away. Then they got their QB and then they said, we are just a Coach away. The reality is they are really a receiver, 2 or 3 offensive linemen, 2 linebackers, a corner, a defensive end, a safety and a kicker away from success.

The Jets on the other hand I think are actually a quarterback away. Well maybe a quarterback and a couple of offensive linemen away. They had the quarterback but because they are the Jets, he got hurt on the 4th play of the year. Zach Wilson finally played well but can he do it two games in a row? No better place to do it than against the Denver D. I am sure both teams will be motivated to win on top of not wanting to drop to 1-4. I don’t really have confidence in either offense but I know the Jets can stop people and I know the Broncos can’t.

Jets 27 Broncos 17

Cross it off the list!: Chiefs @ Vikings

I actually am concerned about this game. The Vikings are very close to being 3-1 instead of 1-3. They have the best receiver in the game and solid other offensive players. Our defense has looked good but just got carved up by Zach Wilson. Our offense on the other hand has not looked great except against the Bears but everyone’s offense looks great against the Bears. Mahomes said this week if he plays better than everyone will play better. It seems Mahomes is a little mad at himself. The only thing better than Mahomes is pissed off Mahomes. The Vikings must win this game so I think they will throw everything at the Chiefs to try and win. This will be the biggest test our D has faced. But if we win, Andy moves into sole possession of number 4 on the list of career wins. And if we win Mahomes will have beaten all other 31 teams. I am sure he will be the fastest or youngest player to do that or whatever, just like everything else he does. So this is the Cross it off the list game. Also, I have not heard any news of Taylor Swift attending which will make some people very happy and some people very sad. Just like Taylor Swift in general. This will be a close one and we all know how those games go for the Vikings.

Chiefs 34 Vikings 31

The we were great when you were a kid game: Cowboys @ 49ers

Growing up in the 80s and 90s there were a lot of good football teams but there were two dominant teams, the 49ers in the 80s and the Cowboys in the 90s. Although the 49ers were also good in the 90s and won a super bowl. But these two teams were the standard. Then came Brady and Peyton and the AFC became the show for the most part. But in a lot of ways the Cowboys and 49ers have become more unlikable without the success because their fans like to live in the past and act like these franchises are still the cream of the crop despite the fact that I was in high school the last time either of these teams won a championship.

To be fair to the 49ers they have at least been to a couple of super bowls and won some playoff games. The Cowboys since their last super bowl win have gone 5-12 in playoff games. Not good. Both of these teams have very good defenses. The difference is the 49ers also have a really good offense. The Cowboys get talked about because they are the Cowboys. The 49ers get talked about because they are good. The 49ers might be the best team in the league right now. Meanwhile, the Cowboys lost to the Cardinals. To the disappointment of Skip Bayless the 49ers will win easily and he will spend his Monday talking about 4 bad throws Patrick Mahomes has made over his career.

49ers 31 Cowboys 20

Another week is in the books of the NFL as we head into week 5. Apparently, MLB is in the playoffs right now. I wouldn’t know because my team was mathematically eliminated in early June. Luckily my football team is real good. Let’s get into this week’s rankings.

Terrible, just Terrible: Bears, Panthers, Broncos, Giants, Patriots

Broncos won but barely and they are still just 1 week away from giving up 70 points so they stay in the worst category for now. Panthers can’t beat anyone. Bears are worse than the Panthers. Patriots have no offense and the Giants just gave up 11 sacks and are just awful.

Raiders gonna Raider: Raiders

Despite giving up 6 sacks to one guy, they still had a shot to win at the end. They did not. Josh McDaniels continues on his path to becoming the worst head coach in NFL history.

Not good, but scrappy: Cardinals and Jets

Jets defense is real good. If Zach Wilson plays like he did on Sunday night, they could move up the rankings. I am confident he will not, though. Cardinals are not good at all but somehow play everyone tough. Good for them.

First to 9, wins: Titans, Colts, Jaguars, Texans, Falcons, Saints and Bucs

These teams are competing to win 9 games so they can win their divisions. Congrats to the Bucs for being a third of the way there.

I think these teams might actually really suck: Vikings and Bengals

I’ve been making a lot of excuses for both these teams because on paper they are talented but after the Vikings barely beat the Panthers and the Bengals got crushed by the Titans, I think they just aren’t that good. They have this week to prove me wrong otherwise they will be headed towards the Terrible category.

Lucky to be .500: Rams, Elves, Steelers, Chargers and the Washington whatever their names are

Chargers are the best of the bunch and they should have lost the last two games because their coach is an idiot. Everyone else looks competitive one week and hot garbage the next. Apparently according the Elves head coach, Massage Boy was cleared to play on Sunday but choose not to. So things are going well in Cleveland as always.

3-1 but no one cares: Ravens and Seahawks

Both these teams are quietly 3-1. They have never looked great or terrible. No one is really talking about them because they know the Seahawks can’t hang with the top NFC teams and the Ravens will eventually run out of players.

Real Good when the other team gives them the ball a lot: Cowboys

Cowboys D is real good and very opportunistic. Their offense is, eh.

Scored 70 and then turned around and gave up 50: Dolphins

Okay, it was 48, but still. Dolphins are good but they are going to have to figure out how to beat the Bills at some point. They are like 1-9 in their last 10 against them.

Refs helped us win and I don’t care: Chiefs

I disagree that it was a bad call. I do agree that they had not been calling it all night. This is the problem in the NFL right now. They get feedback that all the penalties are making viewership disgruntled so they are calling things less but then it gets crunch time and they feel like they have to call it. It’s the inconsistency that is the problem. Also, there were bad calls on both sides. The safety shouldn’t have been a safety, the horse collar penalty shouldn’t have been a horse collar penalty. I am sure they missed holding penalties on both sides. Such is life. My team won so I don’t care.

Real good when their QB throws to the right team: Bills

Bills are a very good football team. Josh Allen is a good quarterback. Sometimes he gets a little too aggressive and makes dumb decisions. When he doesn’t do that, they win 48-20.

Crash course towards the NFC Championship: 49ers and Eagles

49ers look great and are 4-0. The Eagles don’t look like they have figured it out yet. They are also 4-0. Barring injury, these two teams will play to see who loses in the Super Bowl.

Tune in Friday for 5 for Friday. T-Swift and I were 5-0 last week.

Taylor Swift was at a football game. O…M…G!!! And she is going to be at another football game this week. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Look I’m no Taylor Swift hater but I think we can all admit this is a little ridiculous. I get that she is insanely popular and some people who wouldn’t watch the game will now watch the game, yada yada yada. But really that is all this is. A famous person watching a football game. Its crazy to me how much coverage this whole thing is getting. My family fantasy football chat has seen more activity than ever before over this silly thing. Some people love it. Some people hate it. I honestly just find the whole thing ridiculously funny. But guess what not only will Taylor Swift be at a football game this weekend, but also there will be 28 teams playing in 14 games on Sunday. Crazy, right? Because no one is talking about that. But if you can’t beat them, join them. So here is a 5 for Friday dedicated to Tay Tay. Perhaps, focusing on her will increase my readership the way it has increased Travis Kelce’s jersey sales. Let’s dive in.

Shake it Off: Broncos @ Bears

These two teams are really struggling this year as they are a combined 0-6. Last week they lost by a combined 111-30 and it could have been a lot worse. Sure they played two of the top teams in the league but their other losses are to the Raiders, Commanders, Packers and Bucs. Not exactly a gauntlet of teams. I am not sure what is going on with them. Maybe they have been staying out too late or have nothing in their brains. At least that’s what people say. Anyway, I think this really comes down to Justin Fields. He has certainly been missing a beat and doesn’t seem to have that same lightning on his feet. I don’t want to hate, hate, hate…but this Broncos D is terrible. If Fields can’t get it going this week at home then Bears fans hearts are going to break, break, break. On the other side, the Bears D is equally bad. Russ hasn’t exactly been cooking but he hasn’t been terrible. Certainly this should be an opportunity for their offense to get grooving…maybe even cruising. Both of these teams had high hopes that have quickly been crushed and both are coming off embarrassing losses. We know no matter what the players are going to play, play, play but ultimately whichever team can shake it off will win this game.

Broncos 27 Bears 20

Bad Blood: Ravens @ Elves

A lot of teams in the NFL have Bad Blood but none is as unique as the Ravens and the Elves. You see the Ravens are actually the Browns. The franchise moved from Cleveland to Baltimore in 1996. Not only did they move, they also won a Super Bowl 5 years later. Something they were never able to do in Cleveland. A new team became the Browns in 1999, just in time to watch the Ravens win the Super Bowl. The league and teams decided that the new Browns would get to retain the history of the previous Browns in effect making the Ravens the new team. Most of the history is awful from 1960 on so I am sure the Ravens weren’t too upset about it. I think you can see now that they got problems and I don’t they can solve ’em. This move made a really deep cut in Cleveland so now they have bad blood. The Ravens by winning two super bowls since moving while Cleveland has won one playoff game in the same time period certainly rubs it in deep. Basically Salt in the wound like Baltimore laughing right at Cleveland. But to be fair, everyone laughs at Cleveland. But these kind of wounds last and last. After all band aids don’t fix bullet holes. This game should be an interesting one. Lamar was supposed to be a passing machine with a new OC and all these new weapons. Spoiler alert…he is not. The Browns were hoping that massage boy would be back to his old form…spoiler alert he is not. At one point last week he chucked a pass backwards to avoid a sack and turned an 8 yard loss into a 20 yard loss. These teams both have defenses playing well and offenses a bit on the struggle bus. They are both rather unlikable like the rest of the AFC North and of course they don’t like each other. The Ravens squeak out a win with a long Justin Tucker kick after the Elves do something dumb. And Cleveland has to continue to live with ghosts.

Ravens 23 Elves 20

Trouble When You Walked In: Dolphins @ Bills

The Dolphins and Bills are two of the top teams in the league. The Bills after a week 1 dud, have looked every bit of a Super Bowl Contender. The Dolphins just took fans to places they have never been by putting up 70 points. Both fan bases are currently falling hard for their teams with super bowl aspirations. But deep down, the same fans know that these teams are trouble, trouble, trouble. Why, you might ask? Let’s take a trip down memory lane. I remember as a young boy loving the Dolphins. They were my second AFC team. I was 5 years old and they had a Dolphin on their helmets. Dolphins are cool to 44 year old me and super cool to 5 year old me. They also had a young quarterback destined for stardom. His name was Dan Marino. He threw for 5,000 yards before it was common to throw for 5,000 yards. In just his second year, he led his team to the Super Bowl and even though he lost, Dolphins fans knew the future was bright. The next year they were the only team to beat the Chicago Bears. A rematch was set for the Super Bowl but in a rainy day in New England, the Dolphins couldn’t overcome the weather and the Patriots for some reason. They then went 4 years without making it to the playoffs. In 92 they lost the conference championship to the Bills. They haven’t been back since and haven’t won a playoff game since 2000. It’s been a brutal team to be a fan of. What’s worse than that? I don’t know, how about losing 4 Super Bowls in a row including the first one by one point where your kicker had a shot to win it and missed wide right. Then they got blown out the next 3 years. After many years of being terrible, the Bills have brought trouble to their fans again. The Bills with the help from Josh Allen have helped their team become a contender getting so close…even 13 seconds close to that elusive super bowl but they always fall short.

But here we are again. Their fans know they are trouble when they walk in…to the stadium. One of these teams is going to lose on Sunday but both of these teams will find a way to break the hearts of their fans. As the post season nears the saddest fear will come creeping in. Their seasons will end in some heartbreaking fashion, leaving their fans to say shame on me. And after taking their fans to places they have never been, they will be left lying on the cold hard floor…starting this week for the Dolphins. Teams that score 60 or more points are 1-6 the following week. I think both teams are really good but the Buffalo D does enough to win this game assuming Josh Allen doesn’t throw the ball to the wrong team 3 or 4 teams.

Bills 30 Dolphins 24

Blank Space: Raiders @ (sort of) Chargers (I mean are the Chargers ever really the home team?)

This is the perfect song for this game and not just because there will be a lot of blank spaces known as empty seats. This song I believe is about a rocky new relationship, don’t hold me too that. These teams are both accustomed to new relationships as they recently relocated. The Chargers actually started in LA and were there for like a year before moving to San Diego where they remained until a few years ago. They then got mad because the city didn’t want to pay for a new stadium so they moved to LA to play second fiddle to the Rams and share a stadium. Literally every home game is a road game because the other team has more fans at it.

The Raiders were in Oakland and then moved to LA and then back to Oakland and now are in Vegas. They have a cool new stadium and everyone wants to go to Vegas so their stadium is also filled with other team’s fans. So the question is how long will either of these teams stay where they are? Is it gonna be forever? Or is it going to go down in flames? I guess they will tell us when it is over but one thing is for sure the high is not worth the pain with these two because there isn’t much of a high. The Raiders haven’t won anything significant in over 20 years. The Chargers haven’t won anything significant ever. If you want to see a blank space, check out the Chargers trophy room. You can write your name because there isn’t anything else there.

As far as this game goes, these might be the two worst coaches in football. Josh McDaniels has a long list of ex players that will tell you he is insane. Rumor has it at that some players are already starting to revolt. He already destroyed one football team and is quickly working on another. Brandon Staley is young and reckless but that doesn’t take the Chargers too far. He is supposed to be a defensive mastermind but their defense sucks and he makes horrible in game decisions. This is a tough game to pick. The Chargers have the far superior roster but that is the case about every week and they still find ways to lose. But the Raiders are such a hot mess that I can’t bring myself to pick them. Regardless both team’s fanbases will be drunk on jealousy when the Chiefs win the division…again.

Chargers 24 Raiders 17

Love Story: Chiefs @ Jets

Hey did you guys know that Taylor Swift is going to a football game on Sunday in New York? Well actually it is New Jersey. That is how much she likes Travis Kelce. She is willing to go to New Jersey. Did you guys know that they might be dating? It’s a whole thing. A true love story happening at the same time that the Chiefs play the New Jersey Jets. But did you know there is another love story going on. It’s my love story. I wrote a little song about it.

We were both young when I first saw him…okay well he was young and I was younger than I am now.

I close my eyes and the flashback starts.

I was sitting there on the patio of Buffalo Wild Wings in the summer air (technically it wasn’t fall yet).

He made his way through a crowd of Charger defenders and said hello to the NFL.

Little did I know that you were Mahomes, you were throwing touchdowns.

And my family said, don’t get your hopes up

and I was crying in my chair

begging you, please be true and I said…

Hey Mahomes take me somewhere like the super bowl

I’ll be waiting all there’s left to do is win

You’ll be the QB and I’ll be the obsessed fan

It’s a love story, QB, just say yes

And you know what he did. This is has been the single greatest run of any of my favorite teams. To be fair, that isn’t an incredible accomplishment. After all, my teams are the Chiefs, Royals and Mizzou. But this run has been incredible. It is what I dreamed of as a kid. It’s what I envied from other franchises. After decades of becoming a bitter fan, Patrick came and broke down all those bitter walls and gave me pure joy. If you are not a Chiefs fan, you probably think I am silly but if you are a Chiefs fan you may not admit it but deep down you feel the same way. Is Pat going to be the greatest ever? I don’t know. It will be tough to catch Tom Brady. But he is the most Jordan like figure I have ever seen in a team sport. I don’t know if Jordan is the greatest. What I do know is that everyone tuned in when he played because you never knew what he might do. The same is true of Pat. Every Sunday I get to watch the best player in the league lead my favorite team to glory. So while many of you will be tuning in to see what Taylor Swift is wearing and others will create drinking games based upon how many times Chris Collingsworth mentions her or the camera shows her, I’ll be tuning in to watch my all time favorite player do amazing things for my all time favorite team. (side note, I need to create a drinking game for Sunday night’s game).

Oh yeah and also the Chiefs are going to win. Zach Wilson is garbage and their O-Line is not good. And the Chiefs are good.

Chiefs 31 Jets 13

I know most of the news is about Taylor Swift yelling “let’s f’ing go” at the Chiefs game and walking down a hallway next to Travis after the game but there were also a bunch of football games this weekend. Week 3 is in the books and we continue to learn a little more about where teams stand. Looking forward to seeing how Thursday night and the games over the weekend shake out but for now, here are the rankings for this week. Rankings are from Worst to First.

Gave up 70 Freaking Points!!!: Denver Broncos

Perhaps Sean Payton should have kept his mouth shut and not did so much smack talking on Nathaniel Hackett and the previous regime. They were terrible, no doubt but you know what they never did…give up 70 freaking points! In fact no one had given up 70 points since 1966. And it could have been worse. This team is a disaster but still has a great chance to be 2-3 heading into a Thursday night game against the Chiefs in week 6. If they can’t beat the Bears and the Jets then they got even more problems than we think.

Ended hype train by losing to a team that isn’t trying: Cowboys

The Cowboys are better than many of the teams listed ahead of them but they pay the price for losing to a team that from a front office perspective at least, isn’t trying and also for getting me knocked out of a Survival league. This is their one week punishment. The good news is we don’t have to listen to all the commentators talk about how they are the best football team in the league this week.

Teams that are still terrible: Bears, Cardinals, Panthers, Jets, Raiders, Giants

The Cardinals one win doesn’t get them out of this category. Panthers still suck with Andy Dalton playing. Jets o-line and quarterback are both garbage. I don’t know how much longer they can waste this talented football team by running Zach Wilson out there. Justin Fields is terrible at playing quarterback. He’s not even a good fantasy quarterback anymore. Giants had a good year last year but look just awful so far. Raiders have one win over a team that just gave up 70. They can’t run the ball at all and Jimmy G is not good and McDaniels is worse. But they don’t have any money so they are stuck with him. It’s glorious.

Somebody is going to mess around and win 9 games and a division title: Saints, Bucs, Falcons, Titans, Texans, Jaguars, Colts

Two of these teams are going to win their division. I don’t know which ones and I don’t think it matters.

Boring but better than these other teams I guess: Patriots

I get bored even thinking about writing something about them.

Showed their true colors: Commanders

Washington had barely beat a team that isn’t trying and team that just gave up 70 points. Once faced with a good opponent they lost by 34. The EB offense was not clicking this week.

Best 0-3 Team Ever?: Vikings

The Vikings were 11-0 last year in 1 score games. This year they are 0-3. They also have lost 7 fumbles. Cousins is a really nice guy but made a lot of bad decisions this week. I guess nice guys really do finish last.

Need a new coach: Chargers

The Chargers won despite questionable play calling. If the Chargers had been playing anybody but the other team who always finds a way to lose, they would be 0-3. Why their coach chose to go for it on 4th and 1 from their own 24 while up 4 points is beyond me. Kick that sucker away and make them drive the length of the field. Also, if you are going to go for it, why are you handing off to the guy who hadn’t gained a yard all game. Trust me…I know, Josh Kelly is on my fantasy team (but not for long).

Battling for second place in the NFC West: Rams and Seahawks

These teams are both…okay. They will be competitive most weeks and might even make the playoffs. Neither are anywhere close to being as good as the 49ers.

Don’t Burrow them yet: Bengals

The stupid Bengals showed some life last night and beat the Rams. They now head to the Titans and then to the Cardinals and host Seattle before their bye. If they aren’t at least .500 at the bye then people should panic.

Might win the division…I guess: Lions, Packers, Ravens, Steelers and Elves

These 5 teams are all 2-1. They all have looked decent at times and bad at other times. Not sure what will happen but I am sure it will start to sort itself out starting on Thursday night with the Lions @ Packers.

These teams have defenses now??? Chiefs and Bills

You knew these two were going to figure out their offenses but so far their defenses have looked great. Bills are going to get Von back and that will make them that much better and the Chiefs D is still young and learning but we look real good without Chris Jones playing a lot yet. Both these teams are going to be a tough out.

NFC Juggernauts: 49ers and Eagles

These two are the clear cream of the crop in the NFC and there isn’t a close 3rd.

Put up 70: Dolphins

Look, I don’t know if it is sustainable. I don’t know if they can beat the Bills or Chiefs when it matters most. I don’t know if Tua can survive the season. He’s only been sacked once so that helps. But they are two days from scoring 70 so if you score 70 you get to be at the top of the list…at least for a week.

Tune in Friday for a very special edition of the 5 for Friday. You Swifties are going to love it.

It’s getting harder to get this done in time for Friday with work and family stuff so if I am not done it time, I’ll try to throw it up over the weekend. And this way you get an extra game. I went 4-1 last week for an overall record of 7-3. And I am undefeated in snarky comments. Let’s do this thing.

Somebody’s got to win…right? Chargers @ Vikings

These two teams are the absolute best at having talented football teams and finding ways to lose. The Chargers have scored 58 points and lost both games by 3 or less points. The first game they had the ball at the end and Herbert got sacked like 3 times. In the second game it went to overtime where they promptly went 3 and out and then gave up a field goal to lose. The Vikings on the other hand are turnover machines and lost both games by one score as well. These are two high power offenses although the Vikings can’t run the ball at all. Which is why they just traded for Cam Akers who the Rams didn’t want. The Rams who have no depth are trading away this guy. He must have been real popular around the coaches office. The Chargers can run and pass but can’t stop either. At this point you sort of have to assume their coach is just terrible. Herbert is basically a younger Kirk Cousins who has lots of good stats but doesn’t win anything significant. I’m definitely cheering for the Vikings in this one. I have nothing against the Chargers but I do think it is funny that they lose all the time. Plus Kirk is such a nice guy. I really want to predict a tie in this one but if I predict it, then it probably won’t come true. So I’ll go with the guy who has won one playoff game and the coach who sort of looks like he might know what he is doing. It should be a high scoring affair but since I just said that it will probably be like 10-7. But again not predicting that either.

Vikings 34 Chargers 31

A Bill getting passed in DC: Bills @ Whatever their names are

The Bills are visiting DC where typically there is a lot of talking without a lot of action. There should be plenty of action in this one when the high scoring Bills offense comes to town. The Commanders are 2-0 but it is a little misleading as they won two close games against the Cardinals and Broncos. But EB definitely has made them better offensively. Sam Howell isn’t terrible and they have some good weapons offensively. This will be their first test against a good opponent. On the other side, the Bills defense has played well this year. The offense has been a little up and down due to Josh Allen’s reckless play. They move the ball well it just depends if Allen is going to throw to the right team or not. The Bills are clearly the better team but are on the road and I’m guessing Allen has a couple of turnovers that keep this game close.

Bills 28 Commanders 20

Battle of Mystical Mascots: Titans @ Elves (browns)

I don’t particularly like Ja’Marr Chase but he did make a funny comment calling the Browns the Elves based upon their logo. He then went ahead and lost to the Elves. But I am now calling the Browns the elves for the rest of the year. Both of these teams love to run the ball. Mostly due to their erratic quarterback play but also because that is how their teams are built. The Elves lost Nick Chubb for the season. But don’t worry, I am sure Watson still has a chub. The Titans pass defense is pretty terrible but the question is can Watson play decent. His play has been erratic since returning. This is tough one to pick. When I am not sure who to pick I usually look at three things, home field (Elves), coaching (Titans) and quarterback play…who knows. So I guess I’ll go with the team that I think has the better D. Elves overcome their size and massage boy to get the win.

Elves 24 Titans 20

Team of Regret vs Team that is the Best: Bears @ Chiefs

The Bears have traded up to draft a franchise quarterback two times in the past few years. The first was to obtain Mitchell Trubrisky. They chose him over Patrick Mahomes and Deshaun Watson. I’m not saying Mahomes would have had the same success had he gone to Chicago. But he certainly would have been better than Trubisky. Watson might have had more success in Chicago if there were less personal masseuses’ available. Trubrisky was a bust to say the least. Now they have gone all in on Justin Fields. The story was that they just needed better o-line play and weapons to throw too. They did that and he somehow sucks worse. This week he says the problem he is thinking too much and playing robotic. Why they asked? He answered, coaching. So he is off to a good start with his offensive coordinator. Meanwhile, the Chiefs are 1-1 and really should be 2-0 and are yet to play good offensively. They will be without Bolton this week which makes me a little nervous especially if Fields starts running around a lot…which he should because it is pretty much the only thing he is good at. But nothing helps a slumping offense like playing the Bears. The Chiefs stop being their “own worst enemy” and instead they will leave the scoreboard Lit. See what I did there?

Chiefs 30 Bears 16

Team I hate vs Team I hate: Steelers @ Raiders

These are two of the most unlikable teams in the league. Both have annoying fan bases and players and coaches that are easy to dislike. The Raiders barely beat the Broncos in week 1 and then got blown out by the Bills. They finally get to head home to Vegas which has been their 3rd or 4th home in my lifetime. The Raiders are so bad that no one wants them. The Steelers got beat badly in week 1 by the 49ers and then barely beat the Elves due to their elite defense. After looking very good in preseason, the offense has been a disaster. But the Raiders d is pretty good at helping offenses get back on track. While I don’t like the Steelers or Mike Tomlin, he is clearly the better coach in this one and I’m pretty sure TJ Watt might break Jimmy G. Give me the Steelers in a low scoring game.

Steelers 17 Raiders 10

Rematch of Super Bowl 56: Rams @ Bengals

The Rams despite missing Cooper Kupp have been competitive. They got a guy named Puka which is pretty fun. Last week I mentioned a movie with an imaginary rabbit. If you guessed Donnie Darko you were incorrect. No it was the classic movie called Harvey with Jimmy Stuart. Everyone thinks he is crazy because he walks around with an imaginary rabbit named Harvey. His aunt tries to have him institutionalized and hilarity follows. It’s a great movie that my dad introduced me to and my mom hates. In the movie you find out that there are mythical creatures called Pookas that are big animals or something. Anyway, every time I hear or see that guys name I think of that movie. And now you will too. You’re welcome. Not that I needed more reason to cheer for the Rams, but Puka gives me one. The Bengals have been pretty terrible this year. The offense does not look good. Burrow does not look right and he might not even play this week. I would feel sorry for everyone that drafted JaMarr Chase so early in fantasy except I didn’t draft him and I don’t particularly like him or the Bengals. So his lack of success is good for me in many ways. I was thinking the Bengals would turn it around but I think Kevin is really hurt and might not play in this one. He might have to stay Home Alone while his team plays a pretty good Rams team. If the Bengals lose this one, they might be in real trouble. More trouble than racking up a really high room service bill in New York City. But the way that O Line is playing I am betting they make their quarterback disappear.

Rams 24 Bengals 13

Week 2 is in the books. We still don’t know a lot but we know a little bit more. Let’s jump into the rankings.

Still Terrible: Cardinals, Texans, Bears, Panthers

The Cardinals were up 28-7 half way through the 3rd quarter and lost. The Texans got trounced by a Colts team that isn’t very good. Justin Fields is not good at playing quarterback. Panthers are the worst team in the NFC South.

Bad teams that are .500: Giants, Colts

If these teams had played anyone else this week, they would have lost.

Team that ruins my wife’s Sunday every week: Broncos

Do you know someone that isn’t good at what they do but keeps getting jobs? If not, let me introduce you to Vance Joseph.

.500 teams with issues: Raiders, Jets, Rams, Seahawks, Browns

These teams have all won a game but the future doesn’t look especially bright. Raiders have Josh McDaniels, enough said. The Jets don’t have a quarterback, Rams have no depth, Seahawks can’t block anyone or stop anyone. Watson has obviously been spending too much time at the massage parlor and not enough at practice and now they are down their best player in Nick Chubb who’s injury was so bad they wouldn’t show the replay. Here’s a tip…if you haven’t seen it, don’t go looking for it. (I know you will now immediately go look for it). There is something wrong with us. It’s the same reason we are slow down when we see a wreck, not for safety purposes but to get a peak.

Battle of South Champions: Falcons, Bucs, Saints

Somebody is going to mess around and win 9 games and win this division. These teams are almost a 3rd of the way there.

Teams that continue to find ways to rip defeat from the jaws of victory: Vikings, Chargers, Patriots

Two of the teams are really good for fantasy football. Neither is good at making their fans happy…or in the Chargers case…fan. The Patriots have played two teams real tough but they don’t have the talent to over come mistakes. The good news is the Vikings and Chargers play each other so one of them has to win. Right? Right?

.500 teams that are competitive but have issues: Packers, Lions, Titans, Steelers

Packers are young and don’t know how to handle adversity, the Titans are inconsistent and the Lions are well…the Lions. The Steelers have a great defense that is better at scoring then their offense. I think all 4 have a great shot at losing in the first round of the playoffs.

Real Good team that might be in Real Big Trouble: Bengals

The Bengals were 0-2 last year. After their second loss last year, Burrow said relax, it’s only 2 games and we all know how that season ended. After their second loss this year he was making excuses about not being good because he missed training camp and said he doesn’t know if he will be able to play next week because of his injury. I seem to remember one quarterback playing with a leg injury last year and still finding success…what was his name, I can’t remember. It seems the team with all the swagger doesn’t have much swagger. I will be just so sad if they continue to suck.

2-0 Teams that have beat bad opponents: Commanders and Cowboys

Give credit where credit is due but the Commanders have barely beat two bad teams. The Cowboys are good and have demolished both opponents but until they play someone decent, it is hard to tell how good. Also, the hype train will be out of control until they play someone good. Unfortunately for all of us, that isn’t going to happen until week 5 so we will all have to suffer until then.

2-0 Teams that early success will be ruined by injuries: Dolphins, 49ers, Ravens

I think the Dolphins are legit and I underestimated them going into the season. But it is only a matter of time until Tua goes down. The 49ers are the most injury prone team I have ever seen. Maybe they are due to stay healthy but it is unlikely. Ravens players are already dropping like flies.

.500 teams that have issues but are going to be real good: Chiefs, Jags, Bills

You ready for this…the Chiefs defense is real good. The offense will figure it self out but in the meantime, that D is looking very solid against too very good offenses. The Jags offense will figure itself out. I think both teams were pressing a little bit on Sunday. Look for an offensive explosion from both in week 3. The Bills looked dominant but Josh Allen is still out of control out there. That D is just going to get better when Von Miller comes back.

2-0 Team with less injury issues: Eagles

They haven’t looked great but they stay healthier than the other 2-0 contenders and can win different ways. And that stupid push the QB play is unstoppable.

Be on the look out for 5 for Friday. I’ll try to get it out at a more reasonable time this week.

It’s time for another 5 for Friday when I give you my thoughts and predictions on 5 games happening this week. Let’s get started.

The Birthday boy vs Sunshine

Chiefs @ Jaguars

Let’s kick it off with my favorite team. Chris Jones is back, Kelce is practicing (although limitedly) and Patrick is pissed off. All is right with the world. Heck the game is even going to be on Patrick’s Birthday. The problem is they are facing a very good Jaguars team. Among amazing Patrick stats is that the team is 13-3 following a loss with him. But I really like this Jags team. They have a lot of talent. I was thinking this would be a game where our offense played better but our D sucked and we lost something like 34-31. Skip Bayless would still somehow blame Mahomes, everyone would talk about how the Chiefs are done and the dynasty was over before it started, yada, yada, yada. And then we would win 6 in a row and be 6-2 at the bye. But then I woke up this morning and put on my Chiefs socks and since it will be Pat’s b-day, I’m going Chiefs in this one.

Chiefs 31 Jaguars 27

The running back who plays quarterback vs Macaulay Culkin

Ravens @ Bengals

The Ravens new passing attack didn’t look great in week 1 against the Texans. Meanwhile, home alone and the gang were flat out terrible against the Browns in the rain. Tee Higgins caught zero balls on 8 targets. Only 2 of those targets were even in his area code. Burrow got paid and then decided he didn’t need to play anymore on his way to passing for a whopping 82 yards. On the Ravens side, starters are already getting hurt. Though to be fair, usually their running backs have season ending injuries before the season even starts as opposed to week 1. So I call this progress! They are also down a couple of linemen but that is par for the course for them.

The Ravens always play the Bengals tough and the Bengals almost always start 0-2. The Bengals almost lost to these guys in the playoffs last year when Tyler Huntley was playing QB. If this was week 12 instead of week 2 I’d be all in on the Bengals but this is the “bengals suck and the ravens are going to win the super bowl” part of the season. Burrow plays better but so does Lamar. Ravens for the win.

Ravens 30 Bengals 24

The QB I don’t trust vs the QB I don’t trust

Seahawks @ Lions

Are the Seahawks that bad? Are the Lions that good? The Lions beat the defending champs with the help of some dropped passes and the inability to get a yard. The Seahawks got demolished by a Cooper Kuppless Rams team. The Lions seemed to have gotten better on defense although they got help from the Chiefs receivers. The offense didn’t always look great but they have some good potential there. Meanwhile, the Seahawks were awful. Was 2022 Geno a fake? Or will he bounce back and put on a strong performance. This is the battle of quarterbacks who seem like nice guys that I have zero trust in playing well consistently. But since it is in a dome I’ll go with Goff and the Lions.

Lions 31 Seahawks 20

A healthy team??? vs what’s left of the Rams

49ers @ Rams

The 49ers looked like the best team in the league on Sunday. The Rams looked like a functional football team which is better than I thought they would. Who needs a Cooper when you have a Puka? And no I am not talking about an imaginary rabbit. (bonus points for anyone who gets that movie reference). I’m talking about Puka Nacua. Of course because it is the Rams he is hurt now and questionable for Sunday. The 49ers on the other hand are healthy. Don’t say it too loud or someone on their team might tear a ligament. They have a ton of weapons and Brock Purdy seems solid enough to use them that I picked him up on one of my fantasy teams. Brock hasn’t played in a regular season game and not thrown two touchdowns. Since I picked him up in fantasy, I am sure that streak will immediately end. The Rams hang tough in this one but the 49ers are the better team. Purdy only throws one touchdown but they still get the victory. But they are playing in LA so look for an important player or two to get hurt and be out for the season.

49ers 28 Rams 20

Elves vs the best team in preseason

Browns @ Steelers

We get our first unnecessary Monday night double header this week. I guess that is a win for the East Coast people who can’t stay up late enough to watch the whole game. Now they can watch the early game while I am still at work. The second game in the night cap is the elves…I mean Browns vs the Steelers. Not to bring up the Bengals again but Jamar Chase is something else. He called them elves earlier in the week and then they got their butt’s kicked. He said he was mad that they lost to elves after he called them elves. When asked about the Browns players response to his elves comments he said they were just trying to get attention. Dude, your whole thing is about getting attention. Anyway, the Browns are 1-0 and the Steelers are 0-1. After being preseason darlings and scoring on every drive that the first team played in, the Steelers were just terrible on Sunday. Now they host massage boy and the Browns. Are the Steelers really as bad as they looked last Sunday? Are the Browns actually good? Who will Watson make uncomfortable? There are so many questions. The Steelers hardly ever lose to the Browns and I got to imagine the offense has to be at least a little better this week. George Pickens makes a couple of crazy catches including one to seal the game.

Steelers 20 Browns 13

Fifth-Down Prediction Record: 3-2

Week 1 of the NFL is in the books and according media pundits 16 teams are incredible and 16 are terrible. We keep it a little more real here at Fifth-Down and aren’t ready to write off the 16 losing teams just yet or crown the 16 winning teams. So here are this week’s rankings.

Still a Dumpster Fire but a fire with fight:

The Cardinals are terrible but the players do seem to care…at least for now. We will see what happens after they drop a few more games.

Still Suck:

Colts, Texans, Panthers, Bears.

None of these teams did anything to instill any confidence in them for this season. Colts and Panthers saw some good things from their rookie quarterbacks but not good enough to have a good year. Texans are still awful and Fields looked just as bad throwing as he always did.

Still Suck…but maybe suck a little less:

Broncos, Raiders, Commanders, Patriots

I know two of these teams won but it’s not like they dominated. The Commanders barely beat a team that is literally trying to lose and the Raiders and Broncos both had 10 penalties. The Raiders won by 1 point and the Broncos missed an extra point. Good call on dumping McManus. Patriots kept it interesting but I’m not buying it long term.

Woof…that was bad:

Giants, Seahawks, Steelers

These 3 teams had high hopes entering the season. It did not start well.

Boringly Bad:

Titans

I think Ryan Tannehill is out actually trying to lose his job.

Are going to win 9 games and also win their division:

Falcons and/or Saints

Neither looked great but 1 of them is likely going to win the South

Scrappy in week 1 but unsustainable:

Bucs and Rams

The Rams still have no depth and will get exposed next week. No team with Baker can sustain success.

Team who won, but their season is still over:

Jets

Aaron Rodgers got hurt on the Jets 4th offensive play. Enter Zach Wilson who is a complete disaster and only threw a td due to a miraculous catch by Garrett Wilson. And the Jets can’t pass block to save their lives. They are done.

Already finding ways to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory:

Chargers and Vikings

They are who we thought they were.

Team who proved me right:

I said the Packers wouldn’t suck. Hey, its only one week so I am not getting overly excited but everyone who wrote off the Packers might want to rethink it.

Team who proved me wrong:

Lions. They are a solid team. Granted if the Chiefs had anyone who would have decided to catch the ball in the second half, they would have lost. But they were in it the whole game and their rookies really stepped up. I’m still not sold on Jared Goff but I think the Lions will be in it most of the year.

Team that had a happy ending on Sunday:

Browns

Too soon?

Team that is going to be wrongly overhyped this week:

Cowboys D is solid but Dak is still suspect.

Team that will be good if their QB doesn’t turn the ball over at record pace:

Bills

Josh Allen might have had money on the Jets last night.

Team that is already on its way to running out of running backs:

Ravens

My conversation with my sister during our fantasy draft this year.

Ruth “I’m going to draft this Dobbins person, what do you think?”

Jeff “He is injury prone. He gets hurt every year.”

Ruth “Well maybe he is due to not get hurt this year.”

Ruth was wrong.

Team that is going to be really fun to watch if their QB stays alive:

Dolphins

I’m literally cheering each week for Tua’s safety.

Other team that is on track to prove me right:

Jaguars

I’ve been high on them since the middle of last year. They didn’t look dominant but they looked good enough and have a lot of weapons.

Teams that looked bad offensively but will play in the AFC Championship:

Chiefs and Bengals

Chiefs receivers couldn’t have caught Covid in 2020 the way they played last week. But Mahomes is still the man, Jones and Kelce will be back and there is no way the receivers can have as many drops as last week. The Bengals looked awful in the rain in Cleveland. But they always look bad against Cleveland and they always look bad at the beginning of the year. They will be fine and my money is these two will meet in Arrowhead twice this year.

NFC Champ potential:

Eagles and 49ers

The Eagles didn’t play especially well and still won. The 49ers played especially well and won.

My money is on the same 4 teams still being the 4 best teams at the end of the season.

Football is back!!! The season didn’t exactly start the way I had hoped. Apparently Mahomes now has to throw the ball to himself to be successful. I really blame dumb Nick Wright as he predicted that we would go 20-0. In 2019, when Pat came back from an injury he said we wouldn’t lose another game. We then immediately lost the next game. Hopefully he learns his lesson and shuts his mouth but probably not since he wants to become the next Skip Bayless. Anyway along with football comes 5 for Friday when I discuss my thoughts on 5 games and make predictions on the winners. This week is a great first week with many compelling match ups. Let’s dive in.

Battle of the Quarterbacks who might be good: 49ers at Steelers

Brock Purdy looked like a perfect fit for the 49ers offense before getting hurt last year in the NFC championship game. The question is can he keep it going. He did not look as sharp in the playoffs when the teams got better and the games got tighter. Can he execute the Shanahan offense on the same level? And more importantly…can he stay healthy in the cursed organization that is the 49ers. The last thing anyone wants to see if the 49ers role out Sam Darnold. On the other side, Kenny Pickett also got hot the second half of last year although not to the level Steelers fans would lead you to believe. But he looked good in preseason but again…it is preseason. These two quarterbacks will face arguably the best defense that either of them have faced. These are also two teams I am not terribly fond of. I’m not sure who to cheer for in this one. Both fan bases can be annoying and I don’t really like either coach that much. But honestly the real question isn’t who wins but instead which 49er gets hurt.

49ers 24 Steelers 20

The guy the media Loves vs Jordan Love: Packers at Bears

According to the media and fans on the internet, the Packers shouldn’t even bother playing this year. Jordan Love who has played like 6 quarters of NFL football is the worst quarterback in the league. Meanwhile, Justin Fields is amazing despite going 5-20 as a starter and throwing for an average 149 yards per game last year. But hey, he rushed for a thousand yards last year so he is going to be great…in fantasy football…until he gets hurt. The excuse has been that he didn’t have any weapons, etc. Meanwhile, Love won’t get that excuse blessed upon him even though he will likely be missing his receiver number 1 and 2 since Watson and Doubs are both on the injury report with hamstring issues. Fields wins in fantasy but Love rises above it all to win the game. But he knows beating Chicago isn’t a big deal so he doesn’t make a big deal about owning them.

Packers 27 Bears 20

The team my wife loves against the team we both hate: Raiders @ Broncos

It would be easier to cheer for the Broncos if the Chiefs had won last night. Now if they win, I will have to hear from Danielle’s family about how their team is in first place for at least a week. The Raiders in the meantime are still enemy number 1 despite being terrible for the better part of the past 2 decades. It is hard to know what you are going to get from either of these teams. I am not a believer in Russ or Jimmy G. The Broncos are dealing with some injuries and the Raiders are dealing with some guys who have personal issues which is code for they don’t want to play for Josh McDaniels. These are two pretty even teams which leads me to typically go with the quarterback. But since this is a coin flip, I have to go with the coach. Josh McDaniels is arguably the worst NFL coach in my life time. Sean Payton is not. The kicker they just traded for hits the game winner. Happy Wife, Happy Life.

Broncos 19 Raiders 16

The battle for disappointment: Dolphins @ Chargers

These two teams have been finding ways to lose forever. Now they get to play each other and barring a tie, at least one of them will start their fan base off with a hope filled win that will lead to disappointment later instead of right away. Normally, traveling across the country to play on the road is a challenge. But I am confident there will be more Dolphin fans there than Chargers fans. I personally will be cheering that Tua doesn’t get concussed. I am sure the karate he worked on in the offseason will help him avoid that. These teams both have a lot of talent on both sides of the ball. The Dolphins added Vic Fangio to their staff to lead the defense. They also have the funniest and quirkiest head coach. The Chargers added Kellen Moore who looks like he is 12 to lead the offense even though last year the defense was the problem. Staley is a hot mess of a head coach who will find a way to lose this close game to the joy of the raucous Dolphin crowd in the stadium. Tua karate chops his way to victory.

Dolphins 31 Chargers 27

The Jets host the team from New York: Bills @ Jets

The Bills will leave New York to visit the New York Jets and the most hyped team in the NFL. Aaron Rodgers emerged from darkness to go to…New Jersey. He is happy, committed and even practiced. The Bills meanwhile have already been written off because the media no longer finds them interesting. The Jets O-Line has issues but the Bills are without Von Miller. Hard Knocks will be on the scene to record the latest episode. The Bills will try to play spoiler. You got the guy who openly does drugs vs the guy on the madden cover. It’s hard to predict what the heck the Jets will do in this one. But despite the media’s best efforts, we all know the Bills are a really good football team. So I’ll roll with the known commodity in this one. Bills get the W and Rodgers sings the Sound of Silence. “Hello, Darkness, my old friend”.

Bills 35 Jets 24

My favorite season is upon us! The NFL Season! And with that comes my weekly rankings and reactions. There is nothing to react to you yet…but I will conclude this post with my playoff predictions. Let’s jump into the first rankings of the year that go from worst to first (sort of).

Dumpster Fire: Arizona Cardinals

Already Eliminated from the playoffs: Colts and Texans

Doomed as long as Josh McDaniels is there coach: Raiders

Would Already be Eliminated from the playoffs if they didn’t play in the worst division in the league: Panthers and Buccaneers

Only not already eliminated from the playoffs because someone has to win their sorry division: Saints and Falcons

One bad Cooper Kupp hamstring away from already being eliminated from the Playoffs: Rams

Overhyped for no logical reason: Bears

Looking for a way to win by cheating while not having the greatest QB of all time: Patriots

Will no longer be a total embarrassment but still not good: Broncos and whatever they are calling the team in DC these days.

Boring but will probably be competitive: Titans and Giants

Set up to crush their fans hopes once again: Vikings, Dolphins, Lions, Browns

Set up to crush their fan’s hope once again: Chargers

Ready to overachieve and make me look real smart: Seahawks, Steelers, Packers

Super Bowl contenders that will probably have a bunch of injuries that ruin their chances: 49ers and Ravens

Overhyped team that will fail in the playoffs…again: Cowboys

Underhyped team that will fail in the playoffs…again: Bills

Overhyped team I can’t wait to actually watch play: Jets

Underhyped team I can’t wait to actually watch play: Jaguars

Teams almost as good but doesn’t have Andy Reid and Patrick Mahomes: Bengals and Eagles

Team that has Andy Reid and Patrick Mahomes: How about them Chiiiiiiiiiefs!

Playoff Predictions

NFC:

1. 49ers
2. Eagles
3. Packers
4. Saints
5. Cowboys
6. Seahawks
7. Vikings

Round 1: Eagles over Vikings, Saints over Cowboys, Seahawks over Packers

Round 2: 49ers over Seahawks, Eagles over Saints

Championship: 49ers over Eagles

AFC:

1. Chiefs
2. Jaguars
3. Bills
4. Bengals
5. Jets
6. Steelers
7. Ravens

Round 1: Jaguars over Ravens, Bills over Steelers, Jets over Bengals

Round 2: Chiefs over Jets, Bills over Jaguars

Championship: Chiefs over Bills

Super Bowl: Chiefs over 49ers

Chiefs become first team to win back to back in almost 20 years and solidify themselves as a dynasty!

Good luck to your team no matter where they are ranked. Let’s get the season started! Go Chiefs! And be on the look out for the first 5 for Friday tomorrow!

We have worked our way across the NFL Country from the East to the South to the North and we conclude with the Wild West.

NFC West

1st Place: San Francisco 49ers

The 49ers have arguably the best overall roster in the NFL. Both top West teams have a disgruntled defensive player waiting to get paid. But beyond that, this roster is solid. There biggest position issue has been QB. They traded up all the way to pick 3 a couple of years ago to solve this problem but instead found a solution in round 7 last year. I don’t think we have seen enough to know if Brock Purdy really is the solution. But I have seen enough that he is at least as good as Jimmy G, and much cheaper. The biggest struggle the 49ers will have is the fact that they may be the most injury prone team in the history of the league. I don’t know who their trainers are but they should get some new ones. They have a lot of guys who get hurt a lot. Deebo, McCaffrey, Kittle, Mitchell, the list goes on. Purdy got hurt last year too. But if half of them stay healthy, they should win the division.

Reason the win the West: They have the best team in the division and maybe in the league.

Reason they won’t win the West: They do what they normally do and everyone gets hurt and they run out of guys.

Fantasy Players to Draft: I have CMC ranked #2 on my board only behind Jefferson. If he gets hurt it is a bummer. But if he doesn’t, you will be real happy you drafted him. I am higher on Kittle than normal because Purdy seems to really like to throw him the ball. I am still not super high because it is only a matter of time before Kittle gets hurt and in fact he might already miss the first game. Deebo will score some points for you but also will get hurt. Aiyuk is a nice pick up especially where he is getting drafted. Drafting Mitchell late makes sense to me because if CMC gets hurt he will be the guy. Purdy is a decent pick up late as a back up if you don’t like your starting QB.

Predicted Record: 13-4

2nd Place: Seattle Seahawks

Everyone seems to think that Seattle is either going to win the division or miss the playoffs. I’m in between. Now they could certainly win the division based upon a bunch of 49ers getting hurt. But in order to beat the healthy 49ers their defense and Geno would have to take a pretty big leap forward. They are a solid team, though with solid weapons and good coaching. I think they are a sure fire playoff team and 4 or 5 49er injuries from winning the West. And if there defense improves you may not want to play them in the playoffs.

Reason they will win the West: Geno improves and the 49ers do 49er things and run out of players.

Reason they won’t win the West: Pete Carroll chokes on his gum as the Seahawks choke away the season.

Fantasy Players to draft: Metcalf and Lockett are no brainers. Lockett gets a thousand yards and 8 touchdowns every year. The rookie kid is hurt so he could be good but won’t have an early impact. Kenneth Walker was very good last year and the new kid Charbonnet is a good pick up in the later rounds. He has real upside and if Walker gets hurt, he will quickly become the guy. Geno Smith isn’t a terrible pick up in late rounds if you wait on QB.

Predicted Record: 11-6

3rd Place: Los Angeles Rams

The Rams went all in on the Super Bowl a couple of years ago. The result one super bowl ring and one disaster of a team. They have a couple great players in Aaron Donald and Cooper Kupp. And then a lot of not so good players. They have no depth. Now Matt Stafford’s wife has said he can’t connect with his teammates. It’s always a best practice for your spouse not to talk about your job on the radio. Of course most spouses don’t face this predicament. Typically Steve from logistics wife doesn’t get interviewed on Sirius. Anyhoo, it doesn’t sound like things are going great over there. They do have Stetson Bennett as their back up. He and Stafford both went to Georgia and are only a couple of years apart in age so Matt should be able to connect to him.

Reason they will win the West: Donald has 42 sacks and Stafford throws for 3,000 yards just to Cooper Kupp overcoming the fact that the rest of the team sucks.

Reason they won’t win the West: Matt Stafford in attempt to connect with his new, young teammates gets sucked into the never ending world of social media and online gaming and we don’t hear from him the rest of the season.

Fantasy Players to draft: Kupp although he has some sort of hamstring issue. Cam Akers has high upside but often finds himself in the doghouse for some reason. That is about it. You can pick up their defense the two weeks they are playing the Cardinals.

Predicted record: 6-11

4th Place: Arizona Cardinals

The Cardinals were not good last year but they are going all in this year to be as terrible as possible. They hired an inexperienced coach. Kyler Murray is out at least 4 games maybe longer. They dumped Colt McCoy and will likely start Josh Dobbs this week who has been on the team about 10 days. Their defense isn’t good. Their offense is worse. I think it is incredibly hard to go 0-17…but they just might be able to pull it off.

Reason they will win the West: Hell freezes over

Reason they won’t win the West: They are trying to top the Texans for worst run organization.

Fantasy Players to draft: James Connor and Hollywood Brown because as bad as they are, someone has to get the rock.

Predicted record: 2-15 (like I said, it is real hard to go defeated)

AFC West

1st Place: Kansas City Chiefs

No surprise here. I might be accused of being a homer but the Chiefs have won the division every year from 2016 to the present. Mahomes has never lost a road divisional game. They had the best record in the AFC last year, one year after trading arguably their best offensive weapon. They have the best quarterback, tight end and coach in the league. The defense isn’t great but also very young and could be better than last year. They would certainly be better with Chris Jones on the roster but they can win the division without him. I don’t think they can win it all without him but he said he would be back by week 8. That’s about the same time the new guy comes off suspension. So lets say we go 5-2 in the first 7 and then those two show up. We will be in great shape to make another run.

Reason they will win the West: Patrick Freaking Mahomes!

Reason they won’t win the West: Mahomes gets hurt and Andy gets sick and misses games.

Fantasy Players to draft: Mahomes obviously. Kelce will go early as well. People will argue that Kittle or whoever is a better tight end because they block better or whatever. There is no debate when it comes to fantasy. It is Kelce and then everyone else. Pacheco is a good pick up and McKinnon is streaky but a great guy to have on your bench. I don’t have enough confidence in any of the receivers to draft any of them before the 12th or 13th round.

Predicted Record: 14-3

2nd Place: Los Angeles Chargers

The Chargers have talent and should be good but they always find a way to lose. Their coach seems over his head. Herbert is very talented but doesn’t seem to be all that clutch. People want to blame their defense for their collapse in the playoff game last year, and the should shoulder much of the blame. But Herbert led the team to a whopping 3 points in the second half and missed several opportunities in the first half. The Chargers also like to get hurt a lot. Their stadium is where acls go to die. So based upon them choking a lot and getting injured a lot, they should be just good enough to finish second and either just get in or just miss the playoffs.

Reason they will win the West: Mahomes gets hurt and the other two teams suck so they win by default.

Reason they won’t win the West: They are the Chargers and are the kings of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

Fantasy Players to draft: They got a lot of them. Herbert, Ekeler, Keenan Allen (although I refuse to draft him because I hate him), Mike Williams, the rookie kid from TCU. The list goes on.

Predicted record: 10-7

3rd Place: Denver Broncos

The Broncos should be a functioning football team today which would certainly be an improvement. Sean Payton can coach and if nothing else is an adult so that should be a good starting point. For whatever the reason, their receivers can’t stay healthy. And to be honest, they aren’t very good when they are in the game. I still don’t think Russ is very good. I saw a decline in him the last couple of years he was in Seattle. The o-line should be better and their running backs are good. I think that they are at least a year away from the playoffs maybe more depending if Russ gets back to form. But winning 7-9 games is reasonable based upon their schedule. That should be enough to make my wife less miserable. And I think the Broncos beat the Chiefs in Denver breaking the 15 game losing streak and Mahomes perfect record in the division on the road. Just kidding, the donkeys find a way to lose once again.

Reason they will win the West: Mahomes gets hurt and the Chargers do Charger things.

Reason they won’t win the West: Russ is still Russ. Let’s Ride!

Fantasy players to draft: The running backs. That’s it. I’m not touching this passing game until I see it in action.

Predicted Record: 7-10

4th Place: Las Vegas Raiders

The Raiders broke a 20 year streak of missing the playoffs a couple of years ago. So how do you ruin a good thing? You hire Josh McDaniels. In about 18 months he made this team significantly worse. Jimmy G is not better than Derek Carr. And he also gets hurt pretty much every year. Now players are literally stating they don’t want to play for McDaniels. Josh seems like he is competing for worst head coach in NFL history. After his disaster of a job in Denver he is off to the races to make this round even worse. The best part is the Raiders have one of the smallest owner groups with the least amount of money in the league. They are already paying several other coaches who they fired and it is rumored they won’t fire McDaniels because they can’t afford to hire the next guy. But I am sure Tom Brady’s few bucks will save they day. Unless he bought in with Bitcoin.

Reason they will win the West: Mahomes gets hurt, the Chargers do Charger things, Sean Payton let’s Russ cook.

Reason they won’t win the West: Raiders gonna raider

Fantasy Players to Draft: Davante Adams and Josh Jacobs. That’s pretty much it.

Predicted Record: 5-11

Tune in tomorrow for the first league rankings of the year! Then you will also get a Five for Friday on Friday. Fifth-Down will be back in full effect for the NFL season.