Week 1 is in the books and now we move on to week 2. To get you ready for the week, here are Fifth-Down’s very official and technical rankings.

Dumpster Fire: Dolphins

Woof, they looked bad. I mean I was higher on the Colts coming in to the season than most people but when you can’t stop Daniel Jones from scoring one time and you have Achane, Hill and Waddle and only score 8 points, you got problems.

Suck a little less than I thought: Saints and Browns

Both of these teams put up more of a fight than I thought they would. Although this could just be because the teams they were playing aren’t that good either.

Suck more than I thought they would: Giants and Panthers

Both of these teams couldn’t do anything offensively and they weren’t playing the toughest defenses in the league either.

Not the start they were hoping for: Titans, Seahawks, Patriots, Texans and Bears

These teams had high hopes coming into the season but all fell short. The Titans couldn’t move the ball at all. Sam Darnold looked like Sam Darnold from 2022 instead of 2024. And the Patriots were competitive but also didn’t look great for most of the game. I’m sure the Texans will move up the list soon but they looked pretty awful scoring only 9 points yesterday. And finally the Bears gave up a 11 point lead in the fourth quarter to a QB making his first start on the road who had only thrown for 56 yards and a pick 6 in the first 3 quarters.

Happy they won a game….any game: Raiders, Cardinals, Bengals, Colts, Jags

The Raiders and Cardinals have been perennial losers so they are just happy to beat anyone. The Bengals never win in September and almost always lose the first game. They did things differently this preseason to try and get off to a fast start but it didn’t seem to help as they needed to get bailed out by just some awful kicking by the Browns kicker. The Colts should be happy anytime they win a game with Daniel Jones at quarterback. And the Jags have been a disaster for a while but looked like a functional football team again.

Good looking losers: Cowboys, Jets and Falcons

Dallas looked way better than I thought they would. Sure they were helped out by the best Eagles defensive player getting kicked out for spitting but still. If Cedee Lamb had put on some new gloves they might have won that game. The Jets tore it up offensively but just couldn’t stop some old guy from slinging it around. And the Falcons had a chance to tie to send the game to over time and got in position but the kicker just missed the kick. But certainly all of these teams enter into next week with some hope.

Bad looking winners: Broncos, Rams, 49ers

All 3 looked good defensively but offensively they were up and down at best. Bo Nix and Brock Purdy didn’t look great. Bo especially looked pretty shaky. Stafford and the Rams did just enough which is fine. A win is a win and stuff. I think all 3 will be fine but they still got work to do.

Old, Bitter man gets revenge: Steelers

While the defense looked shaky, old man Rodgers looked great going 22 for 30 for 244 yards and 4 touchdowns. Aaron after the game said he was happy to beat anyone associated with the Jets. I guess they don’t teach you not to be petty in that cave.

Lost but they’ll be fine: Lions and Chiefs

The Chiefs looked better than the Lions but both teams have some defensive issues. I suspect the Lions will bounce back offensively this week but I think both teams are in for a rough few weeks. They have the culture and coaching to figure it out and be competitive when it matters most though.

A win is a win…even against the Giants: Commanders

The Commanders looked fine. They weren’t spectacular but they didn’t have to be. It’s encouraging that the defense only gave up 6 points but Russ was playing quarterback for the opposing team so hard to read too much into it.

I mean…: Ravens

Only the Ravens could lose that game. I saw this interesting fact on twitter last night. Teams that score 40 or more points and rush for 235 yards or more were 277-0 in the history of the NFL. They are now 277-1.

Cardiac kids: Bucs, Bills and Vikings

These teams had to come back to win. The Bucs scored the winning td with less than a minute to go but then went on to miss the extra point to keep a 3 point game. They needed the Falcons to miss a fg to win. The Bills needed a fg as time expired to complete their insane comeback. Both games were fun to watch…unless you are Falcons or Ravens fan. And finally the Vikings. It took them a while to get going but at this point I think Kevin O’Connell could have me play quarterback and win some games.

Super Bowl Pretenders: Chargers and Packers

These two teams looked great beating teams that many thought would be in the hunt for a championship. I’m not saying they aren’t both good and actual contenders, but they are going to be so massively hyped this week that we should probably just put the brakes on a little and see where they are in a few weeks.

Still the Champs: Eagles

The Eagles took the Cowboys best shots and survived. They are still the team to beat. Either that or some Philly fans threatened Cedee Lamb’s life. My guess is a little of both.