I know many of you like myself were very frustrated and appalled at the 3 game suspension Alvin Kamara got after being caught on camera beating the crap out of a guy with 3 of his friends. A lot of the suspensions seem to not match up the crime if you will. It all seems illogical how they come up with these numbers for suspensions. This is why fifth-down went out of their way to find answers and we found the unpublished guidelines of suspensions from the NFL. This should help clear some things up and help you know what to expect in the future. Below you will see the acts that can lead to a suspension and the equivalent games that one will be suspended.

Hitting a girl- 2 games

Lying about hitting a girl but then being found out you lied about it because it is on camera- 8 games

Knocking a girl out- 2 games

Knocking a girl out on camera- life suspension

Sexual assault- announced as 6 games but gets talked down to 4

Hitting another player in the head with your helmet- suspended indefinitely but it is really 6 games

Hitting a guy- no suspension

Hitting a guy on camera- no suspension but you will get a stern talking to

Hitting and kicking the crap out of a guy with your friends on camera-1 game suspension per friend who helped you

Breaking a vacuum- 4 games

Being accused of something legally that involves the word domestic- 6 games

Tyreek Hill does whatever he wants to whoever he wants- no suspension

Betting on sports other than football- 6 games

Betting on football- 1 season

Betting the Royals won’t lose 100 games- 2 seasons for being an idiot

Doing inappropriate things to masseuses and/or making them uncomfortable- approximately 1 game for every two masseuses give or take a masseuse.

Kicking a puppy- 12 games (everyone loves puppies)

Kicking a kitty- 9 games (1 for each life) People like kitties but not as much as they like puppies

Running a dog fighting rink- You are going to jail bro. But don’t worry you can come back and no one will ever speak about it again.

Accidentally taking something you weren’t suppose to take- 6 games

Purposely taking something you weren’t suppose to take- 6 games

Drinking and Driving- 2 games

Smoking weed- 1 season

Making a political statement 5 years ago- banned for life

Not making a political statement now- banned for life

Deflating balls- 4 games

Tying your opponents shoes together- 2 games (1 for each shoe, obviously)

Robbery, reckless driving, drug dealing, and other crimes- traded to the Raiders

Obstructing evidence, hiding/destroying evidence and leaving the scene of the crime of a double murder that your buddies committed- 250k fine, no suspension and later elevated to ambassador of the game

This should now all make sense. This is obviously completely accurate. Either that, or they just draw a number out of a hat. We are looking into it.