I’m a day later than normal. But in order to get the precision and accuracy needed to create the most accurate NFL rankings in all the land, sometimes it takes an extra day. Also, I have a real job and a dog that I had to take to the vet yesterday. But no matter the reason! Here are the absolute most perfect rankings of all the NFL teams going into week 5.

O’fer: Jets, Titans, Saints

All the teams are O’fer. O for four. The Jets somehow got worse than last year. Their coach acts tough but the team does not. The Titans head coach gave up calling plays and the offense got even worse. And the Saints don’t have any good players.

Better off not showing up: Panthers, Browns, Bengals

These teams are slightly ahead of the category above them because they have won at least 1 game. But the Panthers looked like a JV team playing the Patriots. The Browns have a terrible offense and terrible play calling. And the Bengals couldn’t even snap the ball before getting a penalty. Also, the Bengals need to trade for Jameis Winston immediately. With Chase and Higgins, he would throw for 50 touchdowns and 50 interceptions and it would be the most entertaining thing in years.

Raiders gonna Raider: Raiders

Only the Raiders can pull off defeats like this past week. You are playing the lowly Bears at home and then Geno throws 3 picks but yet you still have a chance to win. You drive down the field to kick the game winning field goal and it gets blocked. Classic Raiders.

A Spark or a Flame?: Bears, Falcons, Dolphins, Giants, Texans

These teams all won in week 4 and looked pretty good doing it. Is it the beginning of something or just a brief spark that will not ignite into anything bigger? Only time will tell. But yeah, it’s just a brief spark.

Might be in trouble: Vikings, Ravens

Both these teams have issues. The Vikings can’t get consistent functional quarterback play. The Ravens have lost half their guys on defense and now their quarterback is hurt. Things are not looking good. At least the Vikings get to play the Browns this week. Meanwhile the Ravens don’t even know who their quarterback is going to be this week. Ouch.

Limited but entertaining: Patriots, Cardinals

These two teams are 2-2. They will probably finish 8-9 or 9-8. But they will be fun along the way.

Kissing their sister: Cowboys and Packers

I have always found the saying “a tie is like kissing your sister” as a bit odd. My sister is awesome and one of my best friends but at no point do I want to kiss her. I would much rather tie in a sports game than kiss my sister. In fact, I would rather lose in a sports game than kiss my sister. Anyway, these teams tied this week so their punishment is to be in this section of the rankings and your punishment for them tying is that you have to read about my feelings about kissing my sister.

Team ER: Commanders, 49ers

It is no surprise seeing the 49ers on this list. They basically invented this list. But the Commanders are also banged up. They need Jayden Daniels back asap. And having scary Terry back would help too.

First round playoff loss, here we come!: Steelers

The Steelers have the makings of a classic team that will win 9-11 games based upon a tough defense, good enough offense and a favorable schedule that makes the playoffs and loses immediately. Just like the last 5 Steelers teams.

Scrappy teams I underrated: Seahawks, Jaguars, Colts

I did not see any of these teams coming. I was higher on the Colts than most but not this high. I thought the Seahawks would be worse than last year and they are better. And I finally gave up on the Jaguars and of course now they are good. So you are welcome Jacksonville fans. I hope both of you are really happy.

The rest of the west: Broncos, Chargers, Chiefs

I’m not sure what is really going on with any of these teams. They have all had highs and lows. The Broncos and Chiefs both looked better on offense but they were playing the bengals and what is left of the ravens. Meanwhile the Chargers looked worse on offense and are running out of offensive tackles. This will be a big week for the division but more on that in Five for Friday. For now, I think they are all pretty good but none of them are great yet. And the Raiders are excluded because they suck like always.

Scrappy teams with Quarterbacks I love: Rams and Bucs

Both these teams have a scrappy, never quit attitude with winners at quarterback. I love Baker and have always been a Stafford fan as well. They are in every game and can make big plays when it matters. The aren’t the best of the best yet but they are on the next level below that.

Shake if Goff: Lions

The Lions had a rough week one but they have obviously shaked it Goff because they have been awesome the last 3 weeks and don’t show any signs of stopping.

September AFC Champs: Bills

Just like every year, the Bills are the best team in the AFC in September. January is a different story…but maybe this year will be different. But probably not.

Who needs passing?: Eagles

The Eagles continue their odd winning ways, this week winning without completing a pass in the second half. But who needs passing yards as long as you are barely winning. But hey, to be the champs you got to beat the champs. And no one has done that so far.