NFL Football returns this week with the first round of preseason games. Yes, I know the hall of fame game already happened but they didn’t even finish it because of rain, none of the starters played a snap and it was just one game…well two thirds of a game so it doesn’t really count. But now it starts to get real. We are just 4 weeks away from the season kicking off. And with the return of football comes the return of Fifth-Down…whether you wanted it or not. Over the next 4 weeks, I’ll be bringing you my breakdowns of each division and probably some other fun stuff along the way. We kick things off with the East.

NFC East

1st Place: Philadelphia Eagles

No one has won this division in back to back years since Andy Reid was coaching the Eagles. The Cowboys won it last year after the Eagles imploded the second half of the season. Yes, they lost Jason Kelce so maybe the push tush won’t be used quite as often. But they got Saquon Barkley and already had the best roster in the division. I am sure they will be pissed about how last year ended which should give them a lot of motivation to not suck it up this year. Sure there are rumors swirling that the coach and QB don’t get along…if they played in a different division that might matter but as I look at all their rosters and schedules I don’t see anyone else winning this division.

Reason they will win the East: I have little to no faith in anyone else in the division. They have the best offensive weapons and a good enough defense.

Reason they won’t win the East: Nick Siranni is kind of a weirdo and I am still not sure how great of a coach he is. He makes some dumb decisions to cost them games they should win and lands them another wild card instead of the division and gets fired after the season because Hurts and everyone else hates him.

Fantasy Players to Draft:

We can argue about how good Jalen Hurts is compared to other quarterbacks in real life but in fantasy football he is definitely a top dog. He has great weapons to throw to and runs for lots of touchdowns. You definitely want to draft Barkley because he will be real good for the 10 games he is healthy. AJ Brown and Devontae Smith should definitely be drafted as well. Dallas Goedert is being quietly underrated going into the season because he got hurt late. Please don’t draft him in the late rounds because I am going to. Basically any starters for this team are draftable.

Predicted Record: 12-5

2nd Place: Dallas Cowboys

The Cowboys are going all in according to Jerry Jones. Apparently going all in now stands for doing nothing. Dallas lost some decent players and really didn’t bring anyone in that is real exciting. CeeDee Lamb is holding out for a new contract and Jerry just said he is in no rush to get a new contract done. I mean he still has 4 weeks before the season starts and Ceedee doesn’t need to practice. “We talking about practice!” They traded out Tony Pollard for Ezekiel Elliot who returns even older and slower than when he left. And everyone will continue to try and convince us that Dak is great but sadly we will not be convinced. Add on to this a pretty challenging schedule and I don’t see these Cowboys making the playoffs.

Reason they will win the East: We are all actually wrong about Dak. He plays awesome and wins the division.

Reason they won’t win the East: Dak is who we think he is. The schedule is harder and the team is worse than last year.

Fantasy Players to Draft: CeeDee Lamb should be an early pick assuming he is playing at that point. Dak is serviceable at QB if CeeDee is playing if not, maybe stash him as QB 2 incase CeeDee comes back or your starter gets hurt. Jake Ferguson gets a lot of red zone looks and if Lamb doesn’t sign then his value rises.

Predicted Record: 9-8

3rd Place: Washington whatever they’re called now

The Commanders are interesting this year. Dan Quinn has been a pretty good head coach in the past. They brought in Kliff Kingsbury to try to get more women fans and to run the offense. He will be airing it out for better or worse. They have a rookie quarterback who can run around. He’s sort of like when Kliff had Kyler Murray in Arizona. Only this time his quarterback can see over the line. They have some good skill players and in theory good defensive players even though they haven’t performed that well over the last couple of years in that department. Finishing last in 2023, gives them a less than daunting schedule. I think this is a team that begins to find it’s groove about half way through the season and is a team we talk about making the playoffs in 2025.

Reason they will win the East:

They start better than I expect and Kliff’s handsomely good looks create tension with all the other team’s players and coaches and their spouses as they spend too much time arguing and not enough time in their own playbooks.

Reason they won’t win the East:

It’s too soon at best and at worst this the same disaster of an organization that we have been watching for the last couple of decades.

Fantasy Players to Draft: Jayden Daniels might win you the season. He also might be terrible. Terry McLaurin should have a big year if Daniels is good at all, it will be a massive year. Brian Robinson and Austin Ekeler are both running backs worth drafting to fill in your bench spots.

Predicted Record: 8-9

4th Place: The New York Football Giants (that are actually in New Jersey)

The Giants were not good last year. They didn’t get better this year. The schedule isn’t too rough and I do think Brian Dabol is a good coach. I just think they are the least talented team in the division. Daniel Jones is not good. They lost their best offensive player. I don’t have a lot of good things to say about them. But hey, maybe they won’t suck quite as bad as I think they will.

Reason they will win the East:

All the other teams have major injuries and Dabol coaches his way to a division winner.

Reason they won’t win the East:

The offense is looking rough as expected.

Fantasy Players to draft: Devin Singletary because they have to hand off to someone. Malik Nabers because they have to throw to someone. That’s all I got.

Predicted record: 6-11

AFC East:

1st Place: Buffalo Bills

Look, I get it. On paper the Bills look a little worse. They lost some guys on defense and their best receiver. On paper, the Jets and Dolphins look better than the Bills. So why do I have the Bills in first? Quite simply, I don’t trust the Jets or the Dolphins. And I do trust Josh Allen during the regular season. He’s still the QB I trust the most in the division. I think he has more weapons than we give them credit for, more on that in the fantasy football section. And they have a defensive minded coach that will help the defense be good enough. So the Bills are headed to the playoffs so they can have another heart breaking loss to the Chiefs. Congrats, Bills.

Reason They will win the East:

Josh Allen balls out like normal. Their young talent develops quickly and the other east teams do their normal falling apart tricks.

Reason they won’t win the East:

Josh Allen regresses and goes back to being a turnover machine, the Jets and/or Dolphins live up to their hype and all Bills fans are happy because they don’t have to watch their team lose in a heart breaking way to the Chiefs yet again.

Fantasy Players to draft: Josh Allen obviously. Love him or hate him, Josh Allen is a top fantasy quarterback. James Cook is a very good running back that should have an even better year this year although he loses some touchdowns to Allen. He’s especially valuable in PPR leagues because he catches a lot of passes. You should draft either Shakir, Cobrun or Samuel at receiver…which one? Your guess is as good as mine. Kincaid at tight end should have a breakout year.

Predicted Record: 11-6

2nd Place: New Jersey Jets

I was going to put the Jets in 3rd place. Then I realized they won 7 games last year with just disastrous quarterback play. It seems like with Aaron Rodgers they should be able to win 2 or 3 more games. Nothing would surprise me with the Jets. If they went 5-12 I wouldn’t be shocked. If they went to the Super Bowl, I wouldn’t be shocked. I don’t trust Rodgers health or his ability to win in the playoffs. I don’t trust their offensive coordinator either. I saw enough of him in Denver to know he is a disaster. He is buddies with Rodgers which means Rodgers is basically the offensive coordinator and I don’t trust him in that role either. But they got talent and should be much better offensively. The beginning of the schedule after game 1 is pretty easy and the end of the schedule is pretty tough. They win more division games than the Dolphins to squeak out the 2nd place finish.

Reason they will win the East:

Rodgers stays healthy and plays lights out, the defense stays the same. The find a number 2 receiver somewhere and they play as well as the media wants them to.

Reason they won’t win the East:

Rodgers gets hurt 4 minutes into the first game. Or he stays healthy but doesn’t play as well and is his normal weird not so great teammate self.

Fantasy Players to draft: I am very high on Breece Hall. That dude can play. I drafted Garrett Wilson because I thought he would have a breakout year with Rodgers at QB. He did not, but was still decent. I am sure if you draft him and I don’t he will be the highest scoring receiver in the league. Rodgers could be a sneaky good pick in the later rounds especially in deeper leagues where you might want to grab a second QB.

Predicted Record: 10-7

3rd Place: Miami Dolphins

I like the Dolphins. I have liked the Dolphins since Dan Marino was playing for them when I was a kid. They just don’t win stuff. I mean they win games. But they don’t win playoff games. They have a lot of fun players and are entertaining but they just don’t win when it matters most. Tua is decent but not great. And they can’t play in the cold which makes it really hard to win playoff games in Buffalo, KC, and Baltimore. Because of all those things, I think they will be in the playoff hunt but won’t win the division.

Reason they will win the East:

Their talent finally gets it done and doesn’t disappoint everyone when it matters most. Tua plays better than we think he is and Tyreek and the gang stay healthy.

Reason they won’t win the East:

They do what the Dolphins always do…get their fan base all excited and then lose in the wild card round or just miss the playoffs.

Fantasy Players to draft: This is where the Dolphins are winners. Draft Tyreek Hill…duh. Waddle, yes. Achane, yes. Mostert, yes. Jonnu Smith is a good tight end to draft late. Tua isn’t a terrible QB to have either because he has so many weapons to throw to.

Predicted Record: 10-7

4th Place: New England Patriots

This is a bad football team. I mean they don’t have a lot going for them. They weren’t good last year. Or the year before. Or the year before that, really. Now they lost the best coach ever after losing the best quarterback ever. So things are not looking good. I’d like to give Patriots fans hope…actually I don’t care about Patriot fans. Tough break, suckers. You can all continue to instead waste your time posting about why Tom Brady is still the Goat even though even he wanted to leave your crappy team.

Reason they will win the East:

The other 3 teams simultaneously fall into the Atlantic Ocean.

Reason they won’t win the East:

The other 3 teams don’t simultaneously fall into the Atlantic Ocean.

Fantasy Players to draft: their running back, Stevenson…if you absolutely have to. That’s literally the only guy I would consider.

Predicted Record: 4-13

Tune in next week for the AFC and NFC North!