Week 14 is in the books and week 15 starts tonight. We stay with the holiday theme, ranking teams from worst to first with a present that each team wants for Christmas.

32. Panthers: a time machine

The Panthers traded up to get Bryce Young and hired Frank Reich. Reich is fired, Young is terrible and they are all set to have the number 1 draft pick…but unfortunately it belongs to the Bears.

31. Arizona Cardinals: someone to care

The Cardinals are not good. They don’t have many fans so I don’t think they care. I also don’t think their owner or GM cares based upon decisions made.

30. New England Patriots: Tom Brady back

The Patriots have been pretty awful since his departure. Maybe he can be the new head coach. 

29. Washington Commanders: a Win

Seriously, when was the last time these guys won a game? It’s been weeks.

28. New Jersey Jets: Aaron Rodgers back

I know Zach Wilson played well last week but we all know that was a stand alone game. They will go back to sucking this week. They really need some offensive linemen guys too.

27-25: Bucs, Saints, Falcons: A division championship

One of these teams is going to mess around and win 8 games and win the division. The suspense of who that is, is killing me. 

24. Las Vegas Raiders: Josh McDaniel to have left sooner…like the day after he started.

Worst…Coach…Ever!

23. Los Angeles Chargers: Brandon Staley to get fired.

He’s just terrible and not good at anything. He’s got to go.

22. Chicago Bears: The first pick in the draft without being terrible. 

Wish granted!

21. New Jersey Giants: Daniel Jones to give the money back.

The Giants were absolutely terrible with Daniel Jones at QB who they paid a ton of money too. Now they have Tommy Devito who is living with his parents and they have won 3 in a row. 

20. Tennessee Titans: Will Levis to not be a fluke.

Levis looks legit at times and has a ton of potential, but it is the Titans. On a side note, can we stop with the “no one wanted Deandre Hopkins” talk? Obviously lots of teams would like him on their team. He wasn’t going to play for free and a lot of those teams didn’t have the cap space. So yes, they didn’t make offers because they know what their offers were wouldn’t have been enough.

19. Minnesota Vikings: No one else to get hurt.

Kirk Cousins is out for the season. Justin Jefferson is hurt again. Alexander Mattison is now out. Seriously, how are these guys 7-6?

18. Seattle Seahawks: an easier schedule

It’s been a rough go and it doesn’t get easier this week against an angry Eagles team.

17. Indianapolis Colts: Jeff Saturday back.

Okay, that is just what I want.

16. Pittsburgh Steelers: offense

You remember when they were excited because they broke 400 yards of total offense and scored 16 points?

15. Cincinnati Bengals: A better o-line

They don’t look much different with Jake Browning then they did Joe Burrow. But they sure could use some better blocking to make sure Browning doesn’t get hurt too.

14. Green Bay Packers: to win out.

Tough loss on Monday but the rest of their games are all winnable. Of course so was Monday night.

13. Houston Texans: some new receiver guys.

Their receivers are good but they are running out of them.

12. Los Angeles Rams: For the 49ers to clinch homefield before the week 18.

If the 49ers don’t play their starters, the Rams can win out and make the playoffs.

11. Denver Broncos: to win out and make the playoffs.

Only the Jets have a longer streak of missing the playoffs. After giving up 72 points which we all hear about….every game they play, they have had quite the turn around.

10. Detroit Lions: To not do Lions things.

They have been winning all year but they look like they are in trouble. Are they going to lose out and miss the playoffs? That would be a very Lion thing to do. 

9. Jacksonville Jaguars: a healthy Trevor Lawrence

I don’t think the Jags are a super bowl team. With Trevor banged up, I’m not sure they are a playoff team.

8. Cleveland Browns: A Replacements like finish

Did the Browns just call Joe Flacco off his boat house to lead the Elves to glory? It sure looks like it. In the movie, Shane Falco leads the team to a big victory. Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory last forever. Not gonna lie, the elves making a run with Flacco while paying Watson an insane amount of money would be a fun story. 

7. Miami Dolphins: to only play teams with less than 4 wins

The Dolphins were really good against teams with losing records until they gave up a 14 point lead in the last 3 minutes against the 4 win Titans. Something that literally has never been done.

6. Buffalo Bills: Josh Allen to only throw the ball to the right team

When he does that, they win a lot of games.

5. Dallas Cowboys: for the regular season to never end.

The Cowboys look really good. Unfortunately for them, the playoffs are right around the corner.

4. Kansas City Chiefs: for offsides to no longer be illegal and a receiver who doesn’t drop the ball

My favorite team gets two gifts. We lead the league in drops. It’s ridiculous. And we have had two amazing games in our grasp only to have one idiot player lined up offsides. Also, people are making fun of the request for a warning, but my friend Dave once told me that when you get pulled over by a cop for speeding always ask for a warning. I haven’t gotten a ticket since then for speeding. So I think Andy Reid is right!

3. Philadelphia Eagles: To not have to play a team that hates them. 

Wish Granted. Last two weeks were rough but I still think they are better than the Cowboys when it matters.

2. Baltimore Ravens: Lamar to survive the season.

He is so close!

1. San Francisco 49ers: Everyone stay Healthy!!!

We all know this won’t happen.