We just wrapped up week 12, and we are getting ready to start December tomorrow and Thanksgiving just happened which means it is time for normal people to start putting up Christmas decorations and watch Christmas movies. I know some of you weirdos start after Halloween but that’s because you are either too happy or too sad the rest of the year. I’ll let you figure out which one you are. Anyway in the spirit of that, we will sort out the teams into 12 categories. One of my favorite songs that my kids loved me to sing to them when they were little was the 12 days of Christmas. I like to think it was because of my wonderful voice and my fun rendition of the song. More than likely, they always wanted me to sing it simply because it was long and they got to stay up later. Anyway, since I am normal and am just now getting into the Christmas Spirit, I thought this would be a great way to break down the teams. The true love in this song certainly gives some odd gifts and must think their true love really likes birds. Like real Christmas, some gifts are better than others. There are some real winners in the songs and then some real duds. So we will rank the gifts and rank the teams right alongside them. Apparently according to google there is a hidden religious meaning behind each of these 12 gifts. But that makes it less funny so I am throwing that out and taking the gifts literally for these rankings. Let’s get started.

12. Four Calling Birds: Panthers, Patriots, Cardinals

Apparently calling birds are black birds. Black birds are nasty animals. They carry disease. They eat other bird’s eggs. They are loud and annoying. The pretty much suck just like these three teams. The Panthers are the only team with only 1 win. The Patriots have lost their last two games 10-6 and 10-7. And the Cardinals still suck even with Kyler Murray back.

11. Ten Lords a Leaping: Bears, Giants, Commanders, Titans

What am I gonna do with 10 Lords leaping around. What an awful and useless gift. These teams are also awful and useless. They are all going to win around 6 games. Just enough to not get a good draft pick. But they would just screw up the pick anyway.

10. Eleven Pipers Piping: Bucs, Saints, Falcons

How annoying would it be to have 11 pipers piping all around you for any amount of time? Just like it is annoying that one of these dumpster fire of a teams is going to win a division and make the playoffs. Right now the Falcons lead the way at 5-6. Woof.

9. Seven Swans a Swimming: Bengals, Jets, Chargers

Swans are prettier than most water fowl. But they turn out to be just the same as any other goose or duck. They are gross, dumb, messy and mean. These 3 teams started out the year pretty but due to a combination of bad off season investments, key injuries and bad coaching they all suck and are pretty much eliminated from the playoffs. All 3 would also win the NFC south.

8. Twelve Drummers Drumming: Vikings, Rams, Raiders

12 drummers drumming is slightly less annoying than 11 pipers piping. I mean it might even bring a little excitement to your life to have a nice beat going throughout the day. Just like these teams have given us a little excitement throughout the year. But just like you would want the drumming to stop, you also will want to stop watching these teams play football soon. Oddly the all still have a shot at the playoffs, especially the Vikings and Rams.

7. Two Turtle Doves: Colts, Seahawks, Elves

Why are there so many birds in this song? Doves are better than swans and kind of make a nice sound at times. But they are still birds that are messy and dumb. These teams are currently messy and dumb as well. The Colts are overachieving so good for them. The Elves decided to throw a ton against the Broncos with a rookie QB and ran some dumb plays that led to turnovers on top of that. Their Christmas theme mascot isn’t helping them make good decisions or good plays. Looks like they need to get back in Santa’s workshop and remember who they are and starting running the ball a lot. I think Seattle just isn’t that good and they have a brutal stretch of games. These teams will be lucky to sneak into the playoffs.

6. Six Geese a-laying: Bills

I hate geese. They are mean and loud and annoying but hey at least they are doing something productive by laying eggs. The Bills have been productive at times too. It just hasn’t equaled victories and they have certainly laid some eggs of their own this season. They are 6-6 and in real danger of not making the playoffs. But I can’t list them below any of the teams already mentioned.

5. Nine Ladies Dancing: Packers, Texans

Who doesn’t want to see some ladies dancing? Hey get your minds out of the gutter. Not that type of dancing. I’m not sure what anyone one would do with a bunch of ladies dancing around just like I am not sure what to make of these two teams. But I am pretty sure they will be dancing into the playoffs. I think the Texans might be legit good but I am not 100% sure. We are going to find out over the next few weeks. The Packers play the Chiefs but then play at the Giants, Bucs, at Panthers, at Vikings and Bears at home. All very winnable games. I still don’t think the Packers are good but they have a real shot at making my prediction of them making the playoffs come true.

4. Eight Maids a Milking: Steelers, Broncos

Look, the world needs Milk. It doesn’t specify what they are milking. But it is useful and they are getting the job done. Neither of these teams are real impressive and I am not sure how or why they are winning. But they are getting the job done. Good chance that both make the playoffs. The Steelers are all excited because they had over 400 yards of offense, although they some how managed to only score 16 points. The Broncos are helped every week by a slew of turnovers by their opponent. It isn’t pretty but they are finding a way to win. This also shows how much coaching really does matter. Look at the Broncos roster and then look at the Chargers roster. Anyone in their right mind would take the Chargers roster. Yet the Chargers suck because their coach is awful and the Broncos coach is good.

3. Three French Hens: Cowboys

Okay, now we are talking. French Hens are apparently delicious. According to google…who always tells the truth and is 100% accurate, it states “Even today French chickens are seen as being extremely desirable eating – Michelin chefs and Waitrose turn to Bresse hens when they want to impress.” As a bonus you might be able to keep things going if they lay some eggs assuming the calling birds don’t get to them first. You know who else likes to impress? The Cowboys against bad teams during the regular season. But you know what happens after you eat those 3 hens? It’s all over. Sort of like the season for the Cowboys after the divisional round every year.

2. A partridge in a Pear Tree: Lions, Jaguars

A Pear Tree isn’t a terrible gift. I don’t personally like pears but a lot of people do. But this is a gift that is useful that you could count on for years to come. Of course this psycho gift giver had to throw in a bird with it. No one is sure what type of bird a partridge is. Ironically most of the ones that are suggested are land dwelling that can’t or don’t get in trees. While a solid gift due to the limitations of the bird matched with the tree that has fruit I don’t like, it lands on the second ring of presents. These two teams are quality teams but they have limitations and ultimately won’t be able to take full flight come the post season. Solid gift and solid teams but not great.

1. Five Golden Rings (Ba dum bum bum): Ravens, Chiefs, Eagles, 49ers and Dolphins

My favorite rendition of this song is the Muppets version with John Denver. If you know the song, then you get the Ba dum bum bum. If you don’t, then google it and listen to it. It is a classic. Anyway, the only really good gift of the 12 is the 5 golden rings. It is always nice to get a gift that doesn’t involve a stinky, obnoxious bird. I try not to complain too much about gifts. I used to complain and talk about how much I hated getting socks as a present as a kid. As a joke, my family got me mostly socks for one of my birthdays. They thought it was hilarious. I was pretty pissed. Since then, I just ask for gift cards. Anyway, I don’t complain now and if any of you send me a bunch of birds for Christmas, there will be repercussions.

Anyway, Golden things are always good and since you get 5, I thought it was fitting that I would include the 5 teams I think I can win the super bowl. The Ravens are very solid with a great d and a good enough offense. The Eagles just find ways to win and that makes you a tough out in the playoffs. The 49ers have the most complete roster in the league. The Dolphins remind me a lot of the 2018 Chiefs. Great offense, up and down defense and a team that struggles against the best teams. But remember that 2018 team was a Dee Ford being offsides away from going to the Super Bowl. And finally the Chiefs. If their offense continues to improve look out. They have the best coach, the best player and a top 5 defense. I like their chances when it matters most.

I have been very busy at work but I believe I will be able to bring back 5 for Friday starting next week. No one has asked for it to come back, but it is happening just the same. Merry Christmas and stuff.